use somebody.

i just wanna know that i'll be remembered.

i mean there's a thousand other blondes out there, and i know that sometimes my personality can be kind of bland. But i just want you to always remember me, and who i was to you.

i just want to be somebody.

that somebody.

i'm sure you know the one. 

"There were things I knew for sure.

That I had loved, once, and was loved back.

That a person could find hope.

The sum of a mans life was not where he wound up.

But in the details that brought him there."

restless.

I wish i had a thousand words for how i am feeling.. But i don't.

I wish i had a thousand answers to the thousands of questions in my head. But i don't have that either.

It's funny. I always thought i was the exception. Never thought this sort of thing could happen to my family. But it did. And it's kind of funny how supportive some people are. And how supportive some people aren't.

But it's not funny at all really. I'm just happy becuase i am able to see that good is coming from my mom's cancer.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. -To Write Love on Her Arms

dont say a word.

The honest truth is i am completely happy with the way it all turned out. I am glad to see him go and live his dream. People keep asking me, and hardly believe my answer. No, i don't need closure, i don't need to talk about it, i'm not going to dwell on it, and yes i'm over it. The truth is, some things are better left unsaid. I like it this way. He can make what he wants out of it, and i can't make what i want out of it, and in the end we're both happy. I couldn't ask for more. The timing is a perfect ending to the beginning started last year. But i'm ready for new adventures and beginnings now, i have been for a long time. I'll miss you friend.

When they ask me what I liked best, I'll tell them it was you.

music lives.

 watch this whole video..

And through his fingertips, and through their touch to the cold ivory keys,

and through all the pain that inspires him to write music, and through the emotions that drive his soul,

and through the words that have been put so carefully to paper, and through the late nights spent teaching himself to play guitar,

and through each string he gently plays, through every note he hits,

through the warmth of the melody breaking the cold silence,

through the sound of his voice in the hallow room,

through the look of passion I see in his eyes,

through it all,

he makes the music come alive.

His music lives.

It resounds through my soul.

it heals,

it inspires,

it teaches,

it lives.

don't look back.

I would never wish for the something of the past, only because i believe that things in the past should stay in the past, and the only way to ever move is forward..

but i'd be lying if i told you i don't want those days back.

"You know that feeling?

That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place,

not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?

I want to believe that."

just breathe.

We made all these promises to become better people,

it was a time we were in control of our lives and thought we knew what the future held.

Now look at us, can you even blame them ? We're a mess.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find you’re way again."

new beginnings.

I'm no longer afraid.

I'm excited to see where i end up.

and it's so good to have you back.

thanks for reminding me that the possibilites are endless.

"Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind."
 //
"we're both pretty sure but neither one can tell, 
we seem difficult, what we got is hard as hell.
a hundred thousand words could not quite explain,
so ill walk you to your car, and we can talk it out in the rainnnn"

hotel rooms.

 Note: half of what i write is real and going on in my life. Half of what i write i make up from ideas and conversations i have with people. This post is not me speaking.

After a while i got tired of living in that hotel room. You always asked me why i called it that, when really it was a tiny room in a five story condo with no evidence of ever having room service. But it was cold like a hotel room. The thermostat worked fine, my room was always a comfortable temperature, but i could not escape the chills that caressed my spine. That room had seen so many people come and go,it was like i had a two night policy, cos no guest ever stayed longer than that. I let these strange men walk through the door and i was okay with that. I never locked the door, never turned on the no vacancy sign, it was always open. They always left in the morning right before check out time, before i could wake up and see the mess they had made my life. The sheets were always colder the next morning, lingering with the memories of someone new, but someone now gone. I had nothing permanent in my room. No posters on the wall, never any food in the fridge, no pictures, nothing showing that someone actually lived there. Because no one did live there. I wasn't living in that apartment, i was dying.

It was then that i decided that i was sick of hotel rooms and finally i wanted a place i could call home. I locked the door, something i should have done months ago, and i started making it home. I re-arranged the furniture so as not to be remided of the previous way things had been. I printed off photos, hell i even hung them on my wall with little quotes underneath that spred hope throughout the room. And yes, it was my room. I unpacked, i bought groceries, i even bought a welcome mat to decorate my lonely door frame. And on the couch i draped blankets and pillows so people could stay the night, not in my bed. Everything i had known untill then was that everyone always left. But i was ready for something more permanent. I began to learn that some people do come back.

moving forword.

There's so many people i don't want to let go of, but how can you move forward when being pulled back? I'm not sure what the life i want looks like any more. It could be so many different pictures in so many different places, i just can't decide.

"it's amazing, because when you're a kid, you see the life you want.
and it never crosses your mind that it isn't going to turn out that way"

october air.

It was around this time last year. I remember the phone call and the email, the anticipation and everything you told her to tell me. I remember the feeling, words can't explain how my heart lept, and how i had a permanent smile for days. The cold weather reminds me of you, the rain and the gusting wind, the leaves that cloud the ground, everything i felt that day...

But today is a new day. And today it's raining and the wind gets mixed in with the leaves and i can hardly tell what is ground and what is air as i walk across the street. And today i hardly remember what if felt like last year. I was so young and naive. I no longer believe in words like the ones you had for me. I don't believe in most of that stuff, not because of you, but because it's easier not to. It's easier to live with your heart in your own body not in someone else's.

deafining silence.

i've been wrestling with myself for so long.
but you, you opened my eyes.
you helped me see beyond the miles of pain i thought lined my life.
and you replaced it with joy.

I stress so much. about everything,
but you, you calm the waters that flood my restless sleep.
you show me the path that leads to life,
and you help me walk along it.
"ill be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouettes dreams"

refine me through the flames.

these hands are yours, teach them to serve.

my God, i'll only ever give my all.

"i love the feeling after a good run. or the feeling when my favorite song is on full blast in the car, driving through the country air. i like when my mom makes my favorite meal. i like traveling to nowhere, getting lost, and then the best part, being found. i like being held by someone who means a lot to me, especially when i haven't seen them in awhile. We always complain there isn't enough time. or that these moments never come around enough. it's true that we never stop growing old, and we mature faster than we'd like. but time is the essence of life, and it brings change and surprise. i like watching the people i care for get older, change, become who they're suppose to be. sometimes we all wish to go back, to repeat a moment, or pause it forever. but we need change, even when we don't want it. the cards are placed and time brings us closer to our destination. all the while as we travel through.. the things we love doing, the people we share our life with, that's the destiny. we're not suppose to end up anywhere, we're suppose to make the best of this journey."

takeitback.

I see how they are, i see how they're talking, really talking again. I see how they're friends again and honestly it gives me hope that someday we will be too. I think we've got this friends thing going okay, but it's just awkward. I hope there will be a day when its not this awkward sort of what do i say / how do i act friendship, but a real legitimate one. I don't know how or even where to start to get back there though, but i need too. She needs him and in time i'll need you too. But i couldn't tell you that right now without you flipping your shit. you can't see i don't need you as en ex boyfriend. I need you in that way we were before all of it ever started. Just like how they are now. But maybe in time i will just forget about this friendship and maybe that will be a lot easier.

We used to talk. We used to talk on the phone till i'd run out of dumb things to say and you'd get bored and kick me off. Picking up the phone and calling you.. that seems like such a foreign idea to me now.

there's always a few people you don't want to do life without. and your one of them.

story.

Before it all happened he sat her down and told her that bad things will always happen to good people, no one knows why, but when these things happen you are not to push people away. Keep them close, he said, because you will need those few good people more than you have needed anyone before. But it wasn't me who pushed them away, she told me, they opended the front door and bolted out of my life faster then i could finish speaking. You don't shut people out, they shut you out, that's how it happened, she explained. She said she didn't turn her back on life, it was the other way around. She was blinded the moment life pulled the curtain over her eyes and no one dared lift it up. Too much baggage, she said, they didn't want to have anything to do with someone who acutally needed something from them. There was always a few who i thought would be there, she said, people who were so much apart of my past who knew me and my sturggle, but where were they when it happened? Not so much as a text, an email, a phone call. And then those who promised their time, their shoulder, and their open ears, never followed through. I would rather not have empty promises at a time like this, she said, it was false hope.

And it was then that i realised, she continues, that my life didn't matter. I mean it's not as if i was some psycho depressed suicidal person, but in reality one life doesn't matter. I had this moment where i was walking down the street and i slipped off the curb into the street becuase i am so damn clumsy. And it got me to thinking what would happen if there was a car there when i fell, what if i got hit. The idea almost seem relieving to me. And that scared me even more. What kind of people will let their friend walk aimlessly around town with heavy traffic and fast busses etc, with the thought of dying in her mind. What kind of people don't give enough of a shit to make sure their friend's head is in the right place. But that was a revelation in itself. The fact that if i die no one will care, yet if i live no one will care. And it was like all the frost was gone from the cold car window and i could see so perfectly. I can't keep living for people, with the thought that they should be so much apart of me. if i decide to live, if i decide to pick up my lazy ass and just get on with things, it will have to be for myself. And really that is the only reason to make decisions, or live really. For yourself. Because beyond that most people have their priorities completely backwards so why would you want to live for such screwed up people anyway?

where are you now.

And it's hard to believe, but it was not too long ago when the sun still shown and the days were long. When it was late we used to walk down these streets, and we could see every star above us, and I didn't shiver so intently under the night sky. I don't know if it's because it's fall or if it's because your not there beside me but it's just unbearably cold. We used to be alive those nights, every breath we took was like a breath of adventure and we always breathed deeper because we couldn't stop.
And when you exhaled it was so contagious, I swear I could feel life dancing on my finger tips. Your eyes were wild and your heart was always so warm, but you were always a bit too out of reach. Your walk, always a step ahead of mine, waiting for me to catch up, but I was never fast enough. Yet you always came home with me and and asked to stay longer because I think you knew it was where you belonged. I let you go like a paper plane, effortlessly and softly, a glimpse of a dream come and gone. And some days I am reminded of those nights and some nights I long for those days, but most of the time I just don't remember. I know ill lose you and find you in some other person, and I know ill lose myself just as much and find me in another too.

lucky.

i forgot to be thankful on thanksgiving.
hell. i forget to be thankful everyday.

i have soo much to be thankful for. like how do i forget that. how do i forget that i have so much love surrounding me all the time. i also need to start loving myself. because apparently i don't know how to, and i will never get anywhere in life unless i do.

"ive seen things here that, some men never see. the lucky ones, oh the lucky ones know exactly what i mean"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuwFSVb0Gis

"You can never lose yourself so much that I won't find you.
And remind you of what it felt like to be here."

death.

I'm throwing up. and we have no toilet paper left. and its almost midnight and i have 3 chapters left to read before my mid term tomorrow. I just worked a six hour shift at work. and i smell like my work uniform but i don't have time to take a shower. and my roommates are always missing and not home, and there is this bowl of custy rice sitting on my desk but i can't look at it becuase i think i might puke again. and i still haven't unpacked from the weekend. and i have no food (except for rice) becuase i've had no time to go shopping. and my mother is very sick, and i should be home taking care of my family, because that's the only place i feel really needed right now, and everyone at school seems so fake and empty, and no one takes time to listen, really listen, to what you are trying to say. and people are committing suicide because there's no one there to love them or to accept them, and hearts are breaking because people are just plain careless. and good people are wasteing away to nothing becuase they have no motivation, and good people are throwing their lives away for way to much drugs, and some people are so blinded from what's real, and some people i just can't get a long with no matter how hard we try to mend things we just can't and i've lost and freind and it sucks, and we all live with a thousand regrets, and we all have unspoken words that need to be let out, and some of us just can't feel things anymore, and i am turning into a cold hearted bitch, and half the time i just dont care anymore. and i keep going through hot flashes, but no i am not menopausal, and i'm starving but can't stomach anything, and i really need to sleep but i just can't.

sorry i needed to vent. and now i will stop being pathetic. but i really wish we had more toilet paper.

i want to be in BC.

hope.

i know i already posted this once, but i need to again.i think they are some of the most powerful words i have heard. and i need to remember that there are people left like this in the world...

"Lord, make me a channel of your peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
-st francsis of asisi

i just want to be strong.

save your heart.

i swear.

i'm legitimately done with this.

with all of this.

i'm always trying to win.
im a 19 year old girl of course i'm going to battle with this everyday.
but...
i win because i give up and i dont care anymore.
i have so many little random things that belonged to past guys scattered in my room. His hat, his necklace, his sweater, etc. They are stupid empty reminders of boys who were so insignificant they couldn't leave any valueable mark in my life except for a useless necklace. i'd rather spend months trying to earn a heart then two weeks and all i get was his sweater. i mean, that was fine for a while. but i'm tried of empty emotions.
"and you give, and they take, its love that you want, but not love that you make"

question,

i just have to ask,

where was everyone when it was all going on? were they there beside him? or did they desert him? what was going through his mind at that moment? could a kind gesture from one person have changed his mind and his decision? did they still love him like they should? did they, could they, love past the sin, and love the real person under neath it all? it's just sad.

if love conquers all, why didn't it conquer this?

whats real.

We sit on the curb, almost oblivious to the party and the people moving on around us. People stumble out of the house and step on our toes as they walked past, too drunk to see or really care. It makes me mad to see this, it makes me realize how most people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they can hardly see anyone else's.

"are you okay?" i ask her. Of course she is ok, she says, it is just some stupid boy. It sucks but shits happens and she's says she's stronger that this, and i know it's true. I tell her i hate the state of the world, how people treat eachother. But most of all i tell her how i hate guys, and how they only seek one night stands. And if that is all they think girls are good for, and that's the only way to treat them, then they are fucked. Because there is a lot more to life than physical gratification, and beneath that body there is a soul, but they would have never known that unless someone were to point it out. It's not like i'm some feminist here. I just say it how it is. And that is exactly how it is. Yet no one cares, we all just go along with it.

"that's the thing" she says to me, "i will never cry over a boy. because of what happened i now realize that there are important things in life to cry over. but boys are not one. if a boy breaks your heart you can still see him and talk to him. He is still there and alive even if he is a jackass. but when someone dies you never get to see them again. Their just gone. For good. You've lost that person forever. And that is something you can cry over. Not boys."
i realize her strength comes from knowing what's real in life.
and that's a gift and vision that not many people have.

yeah she got her own.

Things are always going to change. You have to figure out who you are apart from what surrounds you. You have to find that strength within your own soul, not someone else's.



You are not that kind of girl. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You are so much more than they could ever be.

"so here i am to take back everything you've ever taken from me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oOKMSbaVH4

aloneee.

"Baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,I used to live alone before I knew you. "

"What about the plans that we had. We'd been crazy not to go."

Yeah yeah. It's all for the best. And the best part is i really know it is.
You can't really stop something you never started anyway.
That's just the way it works. You can't love too much one part.
or, like.
But most of all, i love this feeling, this drive,
this freedom.
I could get lost in it.

sunday night.

You know that feeling you get, when your with someone you don't really care what your doing as long as your with them. But when their not there doing nothing beside you, it's almost as if everything stops mattering. It's as stupid as it sounds, but it's like they're life and without them you feel dead. And useless. I know that's not true, and i know it's probably a really unhealthy thing to feel. But every night's a sunday night when you're not here.

Just tell me the feeling goes away. Cos i really do not like it.

"You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence. So why do we go through all of this again? Your eyes are fluttering. A moth, flying into the same old flame again. It never ends. It takes fighting day and night to make such a good thing die."

let go.

be still and know.

"We're all lonely and scared. We all have problems. Big ones. We all love someone way too fucking much."

words fall short.

Where i used to spend my summers at camp, in the forest there is a tiny wooden chapel between clearwater site and AC. As a camper i used to love going to it, there was something so magical yet powerful about that chapel. As a staff i would spend the majority of my hours off in that chapel, still captivated by it's quiet beauty. I always thought it was the perfect size, just big enough for a man, his thoughts, and the presence of God. It had these giant windows that over looked the surrounding lake and forest, it was perfect. I can recall countless hours spent sitting on it's tiny pews, wrestling with God, but in the same time being humbled and brought to a place of peace. I wish i had a safe place like that here.


"Your grace has found me just as i am.
Empty handed by alive in your hands."

take it back.

Some days you need people, and some days you don't. Some days those people will be there for you, and some day they won't. It just sucks that the days you need them and the days their not there are always the same days

"So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell you it's all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment. One serene, beautiful moment when the world and everything in it makes sense. It's rare. And it doesn't get handed to you on a platter. "

It's kind of funny how you can lay out all your life events and see how one directly and indirectly affected the other. Like a chain of events, and butterfly flaps its wing in your life and suddenly you have a hurricane. You know how so often we do stupid things and after we think, why would i ever do that? looking back i can see why i did. And not to say it's your fault, but you taught me a lot of good and bad lessons in life. You didn't force me to do that, but what you did to me made me make that decision. It's still entirely my fault, and i can't take it back. That's the worse part.

the mess i've made.

For so long i've been looking for some sort of sign telling me i should be across some distant sea helping out orphans, or building schools, or really anything that did not involved being at university. I failed to see the significance that my life can have here, and that was a big mistake. Sometimes we ignore the place we are in life, looking for something better, but what we don't realize is that we're put where we are for a reason. And upon realizing that purpose... we can do so much with our lives.

Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades.

"That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day."

let me go.

"Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems i'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me Go.

Let me Go.

While i wait for the new year
To introduce new fears
While i'm wishing that i could be
Anywhere, but here." -calendar marks by my favourite highway

i wish i could say what is going on.
But honestly i have no idea.
i don't want this to be a waste of a year like the last.

a delicate frame, a fragile design.

So much confusion. Where do i even go from here?
"It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand."

And when you move ever so slightly, and when my skin touches your skin, and when you breathe out, that's when its magic. Its like these sparks, these little tiny sparks escape from the fire in your heart into mine. I swear on cold days I feel warm just from being around you. Tell me you can feel it too.

second year.

i do believe.

help me overcome my disbelief.

ahh, second year.

so the adventure statrs. no electricity, no hot water, no internet, no food, living out of boxes.

great.

people always leave.

forever is such a long time, if you think about it.
the term scares a lot of people.
it scares me even more.
at the time forever didn't feel so scary or far away.
but now, it's a whole different story.

i hate leaving good things behind, especially when i am so uncertain of what comes next.
look how it turned out last time...
can you understand my fear?

leave the memories alone.

And if asked, i really wouldn't know what to say. I think i was fine before i met you, sure there were a few things here and there, but i was always okay on my own. But you, you just came and changed everything. I'm okay now, there's no question in that. But there is this piece of me missing that i know only you have, and i desperately want it back.

"You think you know what you want. You have a picture in your head.
A pleasant noise in the background.
But what you're really looking at, is a stepping stone. A point in a time.
Because once that picture becomes real, you can see new things.
A new picture emerges. A new point. Just a little bit further away.
And so you find yourself wanting this new, better picture.
There is nothing wrong with this."

inspiration.

I love when we sit in the car and just ramble on these bullshit ideas that come out of our head and try to make sense of the way life moves around us. I guess there's not really any words to describe that, or the way we are, or that feeling. I love those two so much. We sit in a time of awkward transition between our summer from hell ending and even more uncertainty awaiting us in the new school year. My hope is we can find happiness before its over and see how good of a summer we really had. I also want great things find their way into our lives with this new year, because they really deserve it.

"You won't see the greatest moments of your life for what they are until they've already passed.
It's being able to look back at them for what they were, and are, that makes them great."

nothing compares.

"Remember when we used to fight over whose music we’d listen to in the car?
I was too this and you were too that. And so we compromised and sat in the silence.
I haven’t heard that in a while. "

Today i realized scars heal. I also realized scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.We all have scars that tell different stories. We all are given opportunities to redeem and work through the past. You were apart of that past when i went way off course.
But i know you'll also be here for the future to lead me.
Thank you for that.

everything out of place.

Life has this funny way of always moving on even when every part of my tired heart wants it not to. No, this is not okay. This really sucks.

A very big part of me would like to leave and not come back.
My heart is already half way across the world, just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

free.

Yesterday i was brought back to a place that i thought would be difficult for me to face. It's funny how sights, colours and smells can be stronger than a memory, just one glimpse and it takes you totally back. I was terrified to go back and remember, memories are one thing, but being there again is another. All the pain i had anticipated left the second i walked in the room. There was no pain, no regret, no bitterness. All that, that bullshit emotional stuff was stripped away, and i was free-d. And happy. Sometimes i forget how just how strong i am. I need to stop thinking of myself as weak.

"I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days have their sunsets. "

next year.

She says she's excited, and i say i am too, but we both know we are both half lying. We have no idea what this year will hold. I tell her she is what gives me hope for this year. She reads my mind when she says that we both have no idea if this is where we should be, but all that matters is that we're there and we have each other. There are going to be days we will break down crying, but we can make it through. We laugh now even if we may not laugh then, but we know somewhere within ourselves that it really will be okay.

It's hard to do this day by day thing, always waiting and never knowing whats coming next. It's intense, and all too real to handle. Sometimes it feels like your whole heart is being ripped out and held suspended in the air, waiting for anyone to just come around and create a home for it. I get that it scares you, believe me it scares me too. But i need you to help me face my fear. We can avoid it together or we can conquer it together. I think we could find something great if we just fought it, you know, tooth and nail. We'll stare it in the eye until life realizes that we're too strong for that kind of thing. I can almost see the end now, like the morning glow, the sun on the horizon. There's something great just beyond what we can see. I need you to trust me on this one.

"And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh and if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black."

get up.

At work the other day i got in trouble, because at the bottom of our bills it says "tell us how we did!" and you fill out this lameee survey online, and this person filled it out on me. However, this customer apparently didn't like me.. at all.. and my boss called me into her office expressing concerns about my "attitude" at work, and my lack of "care". This customer said i gave them attitude, and i turned them off the idea of ever eating at the restaurant again. I kind of laughed because i don't really give attitude to people i don't know. Whatever. I worked that shift completley devastated and not attitude-ish. You see this summer has been some of the hardest four months in my life. I work two jobs and every day it's a struggle to get up and get on my feet, especially when your shifts are 9am to 10pm. There's no one around to tell me how proud of me they are, my parents are acorss the country, and i never get any verbal affirmation and that's what i need. The only feed back i get is from some customer who filled out an awful (yet probably honest) report on me. I almost quit that day... but instead i just walked around feeling extremly sorry for myself.
But then i realized just how pathetic i was being. Dear self, get the HELL UP and stop with the pity parties. I realize that there are two types of people in life: people that make life happen, and people that let life happen to them. I can't say for sure which one is better, but once in a while you have to take action and make things happen. There are those who sit around and list off reasons why their life sucks, and then there are those who take action and are able to right the wrongs. Or at least, find redemption. There is freedom, there is beauty, there is life!, beyond these pathetic pit falls of life. Where does it all begin? We're always looking so inward when really we should be looking outward. When you start to notice the other six billion people that live around you, your problems tend to start to look very insignificant.

"I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me." "They will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will [replied], 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'-matthew 25.

you just know.

"How do you know when you should go after someone?" he asked me. "I mean, is there a certain number of weeks or months you should wait? Is there a rule to this kind of thing? Not like the three day rule, man if it was only a three day rule i think we'd have broken lovers making heart wrenching confessions on our door step everyday. But legitimately, how long do you have to wait before you know that she's the one and that letting her go was a mistake? I know this already, i know this with every part of matter that is within me. But how do you know when to finally act on this, and get in your car, and drive the five hour drive to her house and tell her that she shouldn't date that guy because if she stepped back for one second she'd realize that I'm the only guy she was ever meant to be with. And how do i know that she will believe me when i tell her this. What if she turns around and slaps my face and walks away. What if she doesn't feel this way?"
I thought for a long time on how to answer this, but i realized this was not something i knew much about, let alone held the answer to. I believe that if you love someone you should tell them, and that when your heart knows things, you should also let your head know, becuase sometimes your head stops thinking. Your head doesn't always understand, your head leads you in paths guided by fear and reality, but your heart... your heart takes you to the best but sometimes most painful places in life. How do you know when you've found that person? And how do you let them know? And what if you are wrong to tell them you love them, what if your just meant to let them go. What if you screwed it all up?
I thought back to my past, and all that i thought i had let go, but i guess i will carry with me for some time. I looked at him and knew exactly what to say. "If you love her, you love her, there's no denying that. But before you take that leap, you have to make sure that this is not something you will regret next month, next year, or even ten years down the road. Picture your life without her, picture being 40 years old with a family wife and dream house, if you can't picture that without her than you'll know. What you say to her will have everlasting effects. It will affect your tommrow, and everyday after that. Make sure there are no girls that you left things undone with in your past. Take time to clear you past histories and clear any future girls from your possibilites. Make sure you know who you are, and you know exactly what you want in life. You can't start something and end it just as easily. Make sure you're not leaving after you tell her this. Be there for her, be by her side, be that person to hold not only her hand, but her heart too. And when you have her heart protect it like hell. It's the most valuable possesion you will ever own. Fight for her, make sacrfices for her, be a better man for her, love her, be honest with her, never regret anything you do with her. And just stay true to your word. And if you can't do that then i don't think your ready. There's too many broken hearts in this world, don't go break another becuase at one point in time you thought she was the one but it turned out she wasn't. You don't need to lay claims on people. If she's meant to be, she'll be yours in time. You don't have to have her right and not let anything else touch her. You'd suffocate her that way. Let her go. Focus on yourself and your dreams and carrer and life, and it time it will just come to you. And you know how you will know? You won't have to ask anyone... you will just know."

You have my attention.

"Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. but somehow i hear your song resound a little bit softer each day, and from my tired heart a little bit farther away.
You have my attention. Like you've had all the while. Since that first day when you made my heart smile with loving eyes and tired sighs that followed, you have my attention, like you shout through the empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper...
I'll hear a sermon."
-you have my attention by copeland

take it all.

There are some days that i can't help but get so frustrated with everything. Today was one of those. I don't know why, or even how i can get like this, but i just do and it all hits me at once, and suddenly i'm swept under this suffocating wave of anger. It's not that i'm an angry person, or even a bitter one. My middle name, Joy, is always a prominent part of my character. But I just look around me and i see so much that i want to change and i know that it's not my responsibility, but i can't help it. I hate how she's so judgmental, and i hate how he just doesn't think, i hate how she just pushes everyone away, and i hate how he's so selfish, i hate how she doesn't realise the effect her words have on people, and i hate the way he fails to see how he hurts people. I hate how she is so stubborn, and i hate how he thinks he's the shit. I hate how they are so wraped up in their own world to notice anyone else, i hate how they don't care about anyone but themselves, i hate how they lie to get what they want, and i hate how they can get so fake.

I can keep listing off all these things in my head of things that i don't like about people, but the worst part is at the end when i realise i can see every single one of these un-desireable traits within my own character. It's a painfull reminder of how far i still have left to go. Change does not come easy...

welcome to wherever you areee.

/ / / / /

For the first time in a long time i am content with exactly where i am. With who i am. And where i am going. this is big.
this is going to be amazing.

"He said something that didn't mean as much then

as it does now. He told me that things happen in life
that you can't stop, but it wasn't a reason to shut out
the world. I realize that I have been so afraid of the
bad things that I missed out on the good, you know?
I didn't want to come back here, but I'm really glad that I did.
I have forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends...
really lucky to have this place and each other.
There's a part of me that would like to stay here forever."

reason.

"You will show me the path that leads to life" psalm16. I have to trust that there is a greater plan for my life, and that there is purpose in continuing education at university, even if every part of me doesn't want to go back. My life starts over, first semester of second year. These hand's are yours God. Teach them to serve. This heart is yours. Teach it to chase after You. Teach it to love.

"This is your life, right now.

It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

summsummmaa

It's 2am and after laughing our asses off we realize we can't sleep. Forgetting the fact that we work early the next day, we run down to the kitchen and grab popcorn and gold fish, supplies that keep us awake for hours longer. We lie sprawled out across the bed, our favorite songs playing, looking at pictures from our past summers together and reminiscing. Our hearts are heavy, but our spirits are light. We stupidly decide to text the boys that make and break our hearts, and we get mad together when we both get no reply. We get all philosophical and talk about how our lives should be, or how things could have been had we've done things differently. But in the end i realize there is no place i would rather be than sitting on that bed, making fun of our ex's, eating empty calories and acting like we're eight years old. This is our summer. Our houses with no parents, our cars running on empty, our jobs with endless hours, our wasted bank accounts, our memories. it's like it belongs all to us.

"i will never know the right way to say thanks for all these nights and days spent hanging out, but that's what this is all about. and i, i am not into, the idea of living without you. No, i am not into that idea"

roadtrip.

it's those long rides in your car, with a couple best friends and a handful of intention. it's the wind that whips through your hair, and the way the sun shines in through the sun roof window breaking down all the boundaries of the day. It's the promise of adventure that a tank full of gas holds, and the circled destinations on our map that expectantly await our arrival. It's when that perfect song escapes through the car speakers, it's when the dashboard becomes our drumset as we keep time with our hands, it's when the base rattles the whole car making it hard to see out the rear view mirror, it's when we tilt our heads back and scream along. .. its infinite. its perfection in our teenage world.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

hey unloving..

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

I have so much trouble with this upsidedown kingdom, this counter-culture, that the bible teaches. I try so hard to do good but i end up doing wrong, i try so hard to love but i end up hating, i try so hard to forgive but i end up holding grudges. But i read these Words, these words that contradict everything that i've been taught by society, and it's like i can see this truth emerging. The life i'm striving after isn't the life i was meant to live. You see that's the problem, i do it all on my own. I try to live and find my own answers and my own direction in my own life. But what if there was real life out there, one with real ansewers and real truths, and I just need to lose this selfish life first in order to find it. I've already been shown I can't do it on my own.

'hey unfaithfull i will teach you, to be stronger
hey un loving,
i will love you" -underoath.

everything works in your arms.

My best friend is back in town for a week. I forgot what it was like having her around. After i left her house tonight to finally come back home, i just sat there and realized how legitimately happy i am with life. It just kind of all hit me at once, you know, the over whelming feeling of being perfectly content. Moments like that are rare and fleeting sometimes. But this was just what i needed. I forgot how she just makes everything seem that much better. She makes life come alive.

/ / / /

it's not that i'm weak. And no, it's not that i'm holding on. It's just those little things you know? You let go of someone and you think and know that your okay, but then you find an old photo, or note, or you turn over the bottom of your shoe which has permanent marker all over it because they drew it there and then it hits you. It's those small reminders that get you all the time when your not looking for any reminders whatsoever. He was was there when my grandma died in the spring, he was the one to hug me and talk about it. At Christmas my aunt got me a picture frame of my grandma in it, that said I love you. It was sad to see this and it just reminded me how this was our first Christmas without her. It was hard to understand. I went to his house later that night and it was only him who was able to cheer me up. It was like i didn't even need words, he just made things better. I see that picture frame and I feel the sorrow but i think also of how he had the tenancy to make everything better. I see it everyday and sometimes i'm tempted to move it or turn it face down but I don't because sometimes those small reminders are what we need. We need to cling onto the hope that there will always be someone out there who can fix things. I mean i can fix things myself, but it was as simple as that, things just worked in his arms.

a servant's heart

This summer i am working at a camp for intellectually disabled adults, and to say i love it would be an understatement. I love getting up for work everyday, i love the work, the guests, the camp, the co workers. Charly and i are on the maintenance team, and we often come across guests who want to help us out. They are all hilarious and i have stories about each one. My favorite is daniel. Daniel has this huge smile that could warm even the coldest heart. When we drive the golf cart he will run infront of us, and his arms just flail everywhere and he just runs and runs and laughs the whole time. He's our fearless leader. He also loves to help us when ever he can. Things like taking out the garbage, sweeping, re stocking the maitenance closet etc. The thing is, he is always so willing to help, and while charly and i complain and drag our feet, he does all with this giant smile acorss his face. His favourite sayings are "i can do it" and after completeing a task, "i did it!". Acutally that's all he really says.


Just the other day Char was having a bad day, and daniel runs up, this giant smile across his face, "i can do it!" and she said just seeing him smile made her day thaaat much better. And when we tell daneil he can't help us, he almost gets this sad face, which is a big deal becuase i mean, the guy never stops smiling. and he's like "okkkaaaaayy" and we just feel so bad, we find a job where he can help us again. I just wish i could have a heart like daniels. One that's so joyfull and willing to work. One can learn so much from intellectually disabled people. It's a shame that most of the time they are kept to the side lines, out of the big picutre of society. They have such beautiful lives and hearts, the passion some of them have for life is amazing.

"Begin to look around, see things in your world and right now, you'll find beauty in the strangest places; in backwards glances and passing faces, in familiar landscapes you've seen all your life, in the peace of the quiet, and the sky of the blue."

through painted deserts.

"All I’d wanted for so long was for someone to explain everything that had happened to me in a simple way. To label it neatly on a page: this lead to this which lead to this and this."
i want life to make some sort of sense for just once.

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and i, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? "
through painted deserts, by donald miller.

we.

it was a glimpse of something beautiful.
it was a little bit of perfection found in a broken world, it was a little bit of warmth held between between our cold hands, it was a calm we found in an awful storm. it was the sun hitting the window in the most perfect way, that we could see the frost dance. it was the redemption we found in what we had created. it was our favorite song on the radio that played as we were lost in deep conversation. It was laughter among the painful tears.
it was the smile on our faces that gave it all away.
it was the pull of our hearts that made it that way.

"when all was gold and you two touched and felt the flutter underneath your skin. You stood in glowing rooms, the light dripping from both of you, and nothing since has felt as radiant or real."

19.

I am officially legal. I finally feel like a legit adult now. It's all too wonderful but scares the hell out of me. Being this old probably means i should start acting my age. And it probably also means that my massive fear of the dark/serial killers/ etc. is now irrational and should be gotten over. There is so much to work on this year...

To accomplish on my 19th year:
-start a budget, (and acutally stick to it) and save money for once in my life
-start folding my clothes, do laundry more than once every two weeks
-work my ass off in school. Go to all classes, all tutorials, and have a study schedule for exams
-look into transferring universities for third year
-spend the next summer in a random city with a friend or two
-find a shade of blond that wont kill my hair and stick to it
-stop straightening my hair everyday
-paint my toe nails more often, get more nail polish
-get into mountain biking
-buy my own mountain bike, tent, sleeping bag, and MEC backpack
-date a black guy
-get into new bands, go to concerts more often
-write a book about my 19th year, or just document it
-get involved with the soup kitchen at school
-go to the gym regularly, and acutally use weights even if the intimidating football players are always around them .. oooh, and, stop being intimidated by people
-buy more expensive clothes/ have more of a sophsiticaed wardrobe
-keep room clean
-learn how to cook
-get my level one ski instructors
-go on a legit hardcore canoe trip
-go camping
-roadtrip to the USA
-go to a casino
-read more books
-go to church more often and get involved
-get a tattoo
-see the 2010 olympics, and ski on whistler
-go surfing
-work on managing my free time better
more to come later.

break my heart for what breaks yours

I think there a couple of people in life who you meet, and all of a sudden you get this feeling, like they are home to you. I don't mean home in where you came from, but home in where you will end up. It's like these souls hold your destiny, and with them you find your path in life. They bring out this new light from within you, and suddenly your just glowing with life, with joy, with love. Maybe that's called friendship, or maybe it's called love. I guess it can be whatever you want it to be, but i think it's something that some will never experience. I just know that when you have it... you know.

you still feel like home to me.
"We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes we hold onto things that are safe and predictable even if they are bad for us."

waiting.

It's like I'm just here spending these last two months waiting. But i'm never sure what i'm waiting for. Maybe just to go back to school, maybe for things to be normal again, maybe for change or maybe i'm just waiting for answers. I just don't know, but I know it's out there and I know I don't have it yet. There is so much uncertainty in what lies ahead of me.


I wish i could view my life as one big picture instead of the little boxes and time chapters i place everything inside. I see now as a time of transition, from one unknown to the next. But life is now! You know if you don't stop to realize these small things, life will just as easily pass you by. It's so fleeting these tiny moments. These moments spent in waiting, in anxious waiting... they should not just be simply gotten through. They should be lived. If only.

"Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it's been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied."

///

new favourite song...

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move. Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Cuase If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet and you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street...So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

-the man who can't be moved by the script

you change everything

but i am constantly reminded that we are nothing if not for the Love of God and his guidance and blessing over our lives.

damn BC.

It was a weird sight, with the boxes everywhere, the kitchen empty of furniture, the trucks in the driveway, the people around every corner. I stood where a piano used to be to catch a glimpse of the lake. Not just the lake, more like their lake.. our lake... because their house was home to so many. Their family was family to all of us. I can't explain the emotion the hung in the air, i felt like it should be one of sadness considering the circumstances, but it wasn't. It was peace that touched our hearts and the conversation, it was peace that stopped the worrying, it was peace that filled that house. And it will be peace that follows them as they leave on their journey. I am excited for the opportunity that lies before them. It was selfish of us to think we could have them all to ourselves forever... Now we're just trying to find our own way. I'll admit it feels a lot emptier, but it's all for a reason. I believe that now.

"Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit the feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can’t and you know it can’t. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you when I see you."

"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men"

breaking up by classified

"it's been a while since we last conversated, still can't believe we never made. looking back at the way it was highschool love both of us embraced it. let me take you back a bit to the place where the whole story starts, before we had a clue or even knew how hard relationships are. we were in the same class and i, used to try to make you laugh, and i tried to make her more than a friend but she was just a little hesitant. it took longer than i thought, yeah i admit it but i stayed patient...

after about a year or so, a lot of bickering and fighting came. everything we had together fell apart slow, never seemed worth the pain. more hating than there was loving, both arguing about nothing. neither one of us appolgized, i guess the two of us were too stubborn. still lived together though, though decided we should take a break. i never wanted that, i just wanted change, but that was my mistake. i never thought we would break up, i never thought i'd find another like her, but i still think if we get back together then these loose ends would become tighter.

but no way, no luck, we threw the towel in and broke up. i moved out, choked up, despressed every day i woke up. i found out she had another man, and this is when it really hit home. fuck i lost everything i had, and i aint the type who likes to be alone.

now i'm trying to move along, and i found it difficult to stay strong, but dark days always brighten up if the fight in ya keeps moving on. couple months after all of this i bumped into another girl i knew, had a couple dates in highschool, the type of girl you don't forget simply beautiful. we talked for a little bit, we took some time out and reminised, and i forgot about my dark days, she told me heart break can lead to happiness. when i was down and had no faith, she showed me everyting was ok. my soul mate, i never thought a break up could end so great. "

summersummersummer.

Maybe here is where i need to stay. I have fallen in love with my tiny hick town all over again. I love the farm fields, the ponds we swim in, the forests we bike in, the country roads we walk carelessly along. I love the love and the heart of this place. I love the serenity and the beauty.

go.

lately i've been thinking that i shouldn't go back to school next year. A few people have suggested that university is not for me, and that maybe i should find an alternate educational experience. I've been looking for a sign and listening for answers from God, but i must be very blind and deaf at the moment. Today i opened my internet explorer and there was an extra bar added onto it, it is blank, except for a tiny button that says "Go!!" So i clicked on it, but it did nothing. It's no where near the adress bar either... it's just there. Everytime i open firefox... it says "go!!" Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm looking to hard for one. I don't know. I am all too excited, where shall i go from here?
give me a word and give me a sign,
show me where to look and tell me what will i find?

freedom.

a lot of the time, the things we want most in life will not set us free.
we're always being held captive to worthless desires.

hands and feet.

" i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where you send me. "

i will go.
Father help me have faith.

bff.

As we walked along the shore of what we thought was a pond, the stars hit the water in such a way that made us believe it to be a lake of silver. But really, that's what it was to us. Because in that pond, inside the quarry, inside the gravel pit, we were brought back together again. Our laughter bounced off the surface hitting the cliffs of gravel that towered above us, followed by loud "SHHHSS" and the more laughter. No matter how much people change, or grow, i find that friendships stay the same. Somethings never change. I like to think that 30 years down the road we will still be hopping fences into private property, swimming in sketchy bodies of water, going for walks that lead to the greatest adventures, and waking up in the morning with bruised arms, scratched legs, and bug bitten necks saying, "we should do that again" .
When we walked back to our cars, arm in arm, telling stupid stories to freak eachother out, i realised that this was it. The friendships that the lonely dream of, the love that the young yearn for, yeaaahhh we got it, right there, with in the group of us. I realised that some things are just meant to be, and i can only hope that life will lead us all in the same direction. My friends are dreamers, my friends understand that life was meant to be lived, my friends love, always, my friends make life an every day adventure.. my friends are the kind that are worth holding on to.

i hate this part right here.

People don't change. They can change for a while, but they'll always go back to their old ways.

i have the best friends in the world ...

"it may seem harsh but you need to put yourself first and if the friendship is weighing you down and upsetting you that is ( bold this) not all right"

"awww well i always tell you not to stress over eerything and im gunna tell you again haha. you cant let other people be the cause of you being unhappy. just think of all the good things you have. just focus on all of the good things that YOU have instead of putting attention on how what other people have done to you. cause you cant control other people. and if you let them control you then who knows what will happen in a worst case type thing. its so easy to just let things go when you think about it. No matter how far you go you will always come across people that suck big time. its about dealing with those people and making sure they dont get the better of you, thats the key. you have people here that think your awesome so focus on that. your not always going to have the opportunity to go as far away as you can from situations. its easier to deal with what you got."

end.

I love the still of the early morning. I love to wake up to a sleeping house, the quiet wraps itself around the stillness and though i move about i hardly make a sound. I love the opportunity that a brand new day happily presents you with. I sit in the still peace before the chaos of a normal work day starts, and it's that moment that i get up for every day. It's that moment taken out of normal life that lets you step away and find happiness, if only for a fleeting moment. It mornings like these that remind me of a happier time in my life that though it is now gone, still holds my fondest memories.
I used to look at every incident in my life as stepping stones that would one day lead me to something great. I never knew what would greet me at the end of the path, but when i met you i thanked God for ever moment of my previous life that led me to you. Everything between us, It felt perfect. And through difficult times we came to be, our timing could not have been worse, but we always somehow made it work. I can still remember one specific morning spent with you... trying to wake you up untill you refused to get up and pulled me onto you where i dozed in and out of some wonderfull dream. I still can't believe that we never made it but I realize now that you were another one of those stepping stones along my journey. But to this day i still wonder why some fate would have made our paths cross. What force pulled us so painfully together only to break us apart again. Some act of god? or maybe it was pure chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because maybe it was never supposed to happen.

But i will let it rest peacefully in my memory, for now. Maybe someday we will come full circle again, and we'll be the good friends we were before. But i also know my journey is no where near the ending. I know there will be plenty of more mornings like that to come, spent alone or spent in the arms of the person you like. Wherever they may be, and whoever they may be with, i am thankful for the hope brought by every morning sunrise.

"I've been thinking about you constantly since I left,
wondering why the journey I'm on seemed
to have led through you. I know my journey's not
over yet, and that life is a winding path,
but I can only hope it somehow circles back
to the place I belong. That's how I think of it now."

love

Love was never about that sort of thing... you know, the feelings, the helplessness, the can't sleep can't eat type thing. Rather, Love is a bloody naked man nailed to a cross for a crime He did not commit. Love is his children constantly betraying him, but they are always welcomed back.

"But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace. Cause I can't help but love you."

storyyyy.

We sit in silence on this roof top, the darkness bearing down on our dimly lit souls. All good night time scenes have stars shining brilliantly down on their main characters, but that is not the case tonight. The cool darkness and city lights chase all glimpses of stars far away from our vision.

i danlge my feet over the edge, watching new york city scury around like ants below me. Stores are starting to close, and men are heading back to their wives and children for dinner. everyone hustles around, oblivious to me and that boy sitting on the roof, miles above them, or so it feels.
"So here we are" I say, breaking the terrible silence. I don't even know why i say this, but it's the only thing i think of.

"Yup." That boy exhales, I can see his breath hanging in the air, white like smoke as the wind drifts it away from us. He turns to me and smiles, or at least i think he does, but it's too dark to tell. "I still can't believe you live here. I can't believe that this, all this is yours..."

As he says this he waves his hand around, referring to the city, as if I own it all. I sort of laugh. I don't say much, so he continues.

"Wow. And I thought that I was the one who was going to go big. Just look at you, living the dream, in New York City even. I remember back in grade school, and you had all these silly little dreams, and now their reality."
"Silly little dreams?" I ask. "You know this should be me," he whispers. I nod. I feel like a mute, but I have nothing to say to him. "You have it all," he tells me, "got it all" .

I laugh at this statement. "You really think so?" He nods, "honestly, what more could anyone want!" Just as he says this i know the answer. I start to get all cold, the type of cold that really has nothing to do with the temperature, but everything to do with "what more anyone could want." And i know he knows the answer to this questions before he asks it.

I search for his gaze in the dark, but i can barely hold as i ask my next question. "Why?" My dreadful question hung in the silence thick with grief and longing. I am crying now as i say this. "Why did you just leave. After all these years... You couldn't have thought to talk to me, call me, leave a note? I come home from work one day to find out you were half way across the world? What kind of bullshit move is that?"

That boy sits there quiet, without a word for so long, that I start wondering if i have gone deaf, and that maybe he is talking on and on to me, but i just can't hear him. I look at his lips and they are not moving, which is a good sign. He just sits there staring out across the city, and I start to feel anxious while i watch him and his nothingness.

" I ... I can't explain it.. I needed change. I was waiting for something to happen but it never did. I had to leave. I was hoping you'd understand." I can't read the expression on his face as he says this, i can't tell if he's sorry or if he regrets it, or if he's wondering why i am finally asking him why he left.

"I had so many dreams for us," I tell him. "I had so many plans... we were going to have the life that couples talk about and kids fantasize about..." He smiles, "You got it though, didn't you. Safe to say we're all pretty jealous of you, i could list off many reasons why."

"But i didn't get you. And that's what i've always wanted." I stand up and try and collect myself. "Did you find it out there?"
"Find what?" he asks.
"Your change."
"No... that's why i cam back to you..."
I don't even know where the next words i say come from, but they just seemed to roll off my tounge from somewhere deep down, as if they have been stored inside of me for quite some time. "Well here is your change you've been waiting for. I am not taking you back."
I feel bad for saying it, but at the same time i know for once i made the right move. I walk down the stairs to the lobby of my apartment, leaving him alone on the roof top. For once it was me who walked away.

anxious.

i am scared to see you. i am not sure how to even act. I'm not sure i'll even see you while your home. FRIGGGG i hate uncertainty. and even worse, waiting to see how it will be.

the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

"she belonged to me," he said simply. "she was, you know, all the things i wasn't. and i was all the things she wasn't. she could paint circles around anyone; i can't even draw a straight line. she was never into sports; i've always been." he lifted his outstreched palm and curled his fingers. "her hand," he said, "it fit mine."

lessons.

When i work i have nothing really to do but think. Between rushing to the kitchen to grab more sauce and running back to the table with angry customers, i've spent many shifts in reflection. Tonight i was thinking that this year has no doubt been the toughest year of my life, but i also realized i have learnt the most from this year. And this is what i have come up with based on my experiences of the past year:

-You should listen to your parents. they are only right about 50% of the time, but their input and opinions are valuable sometimes.

-Be careful of how you present yourself. People will treat you according to the manor in which you conduct yourself. If you don't show respect your not likely to get much back. If you don't show kindness, little will be returned.

-Be aware of your actions and how others perceive them. Sometimes people misinterpret your actions, they think you have the wrong intentions, and a lot will be said behind your back.

-Most guys really just want to get into your pants. Don't believe a word a guy says to you because he's probably said it to roughly thirty other girls before you.

-Spending your days in bed watching numerous seasons of your favorite TV show is not time well spent. Life is best when it is lived... not slept through. Time is money.

-When you leave highschool there are a select few friends which you will keep closely. Make sure you hold onto some, no matter how great you new freinds are, becuase your old freinds know you and add a fresh perspective to things. They are there to warn you if you change for the worst and they are there to encourage you. You will need them more than you think.

-If your writing a paper that is supposed to be 8 pages long but is only six, add five extra endnotes to each page. This should buy you an extra page. It got me an 80%

-If your hair is bleach blonde and you want to dye it brown again, use a light brown with red tones. If not your hair will turn green. It is an awful experience.

-Getting involved with your best friend (of the opposite sex..)is the best and the worst thing. It's great while your together but awful when it ends, because you've lost your friend.

-Error is human. Forgiveness is possible and necessary no matter how hard you've been hurt. Forgetting is not always possible.

-Don't go for boys who get really drunk all the time. They are a waste of time, and are usually only funny while intoxicated.

-Brunettes are seen as girlfriend material. Blonds are the girls that guy cheat on their girlfriends with. Sad, but very true.

-No one likes girls who power trip.

-Some people just aren't worth your time. It's important to still love them and be kind, but when it comes to their opinion don't listen to it. You are who you are, don't let them change you.

-Some people's brains are so small that they find the need to constantly gossip about everyone. Stick up for your friends when this happens. And don't hold these people who gossip as close friends. The people worth holding onto are those who stick up for you, the people who aren't afraid to apologize when something goes wrong, and the people who can find other things to be interested in than people's problems.

-That being said, there are people who won't like you. So what, life goes on. Be nice but have a backbone.

-Love. Always.

-Listen to those who are hurting. Be approachable, let others speak, and really listen. Show people you care. You will need to make sacrifices for your friends sometimes, but show them their worth it.

-Just because a relationship is over doesn't mean you have to regret it. Cherish the memories, laugh off the pain, stay friends.

-Straightening your hair everyday will probably lead to extremely dead hair. Which will lead to hair falling out, which will lead to baldness, which can lead to a lot of things. Be careful.

-Confidence is KEY.

-It's always the quirky weird people that are the most fun to hangout with. Never hesitate to be yourself. Be a fool.

-Take chances. Go streaking with your friends. Pull your matresses into your residence hallway and sleep out there. Dance even if you don't know how to. Laugh a lot. Take time to enjoy the smallest of things. Do things you don't want to, participate in the silly activites. They are more fun than you think.

-Tanning and working out at the gym are good ways to stay happy during dark winter months.

-Change is a part of life but not all change is for the better. Be careful of how you change.

-Chose your friends wisely. Your friends reflect upon your judgment of character. Your friends are a reflection of the kind of person you are. But make sure to stay your own person.

-Watch your habits, they become your lifestyle.

-Spend time outside. Go for walks, runs, bike rides, enjoy the outdoors.

-Make sure your life has more meaning than endless partying. it gets dull fast. Be a person of integrity and never settle, its the only way to keep life exciting.

-Find a significant other who challenges you, who makes you uncomfertable with your place in life, and who encourages you to become a better person.

-Our greatest regrets come from missed opportunities.

-When boys hit on you and follow you around, it's creepy, not flattering.

-Never let fear hold you back.

-Surfthechannel.com often gives your computer viruses so watch out

-Life's too short to listen to bad music.

-Don't spend your money on clothes makeup and hair dye. Save up and fly somewhere. Travel, it brings perspective on life.

-Don't let yourself become fake. Value integrity in ever aspect of your life.

-When it comes down to it all, your relationship with God is the most important yet most often overlooked relationship. No matter how far you stray He will pull you back. He is faithful.

-Put Him ahead of all your dreams and your life will align eventually.

-Remember living is an adventure in itself. We always try to create adventure, but the real adventure comes when you least expect it. The process of life is the product.

streetlights.

"let me know,
do i still got time to grow?
thing aren't always set in stone, that be known let me know.
See i know my destination
but i'm just not there. "

twins.

I am tempted to hop on a plane destined for a third world country and spend the rest of my life there. I don't want to sound bitter and hopeless but the people around me are so dead. I think there's a lot of things in life we need to open up our eyes and our hearts too. Joy is my middle name, and it's supposed to be something i am meant to bring into this world. But half of my freinds don't even know what joy is. We are so blinded by materialistic values.

choose joy
always.

moving on

screw the past.
i want my friend back.

It was never about me,
it was always about You.

see.

It's so obvious and right there, i can hear the words and know where the answer lies, i can see the truth and really believe it, but half the time i am just too lazy to live it!

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all his righteousness.
and all these things shall be added unto you "

real.

If ppl were asked to describe me in one word, i would want it to be "real." I want to be real in who i am, real in my relationships with others, and real in how i live. I want to listen to people when they talk, i want to show them that they are valuable and worth time, i want to show them i care about what is going on in their lives. I dont want to backtalk people the second they walk away. I don't want to be someone i'm not, i don't one to be someone else just to fit in. I want to beknown and loved for who i am and who i am not. I want my actions to match up to my words and i want to be real in my faith.

written jan4th.

"A part of my heart left with him that tonight and I have a feeling he will always hold that part. Time can't take these kind of things away from you. They stay in that part of you , safe and untouched, even as you count the years pass. He was a lot of things to me, and his story was the main story of my year. I learnt the most from him. But i also think this story is far from over. I can't put my finger on it, but sometimes you can just tell these things. I'm not going to live my life waiting for that moment on the odd chance that distance breaks it's awful borders and we live in the same town again. No. But i will be happy for what we had, becuase only few get that chance."

what i've learned

you can't bring people back from the dead. you also can't erase the past. so what do you do when a friendship's gone terribly wrong and there's so much dirt in the past you begin to wonder is it even possible to move on from here? is it really possible to forget a past of broken promises and pick your feet up and really, truly, forgive and forget? And to begin again, as new people, or will past always remain part of who you are. I'm so full of regrets for messing up. And i'm in desperate need of redemption.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.
isaiah 49:19

maybe, for once it is not about me,
rather it's about what He is doing in my life.

psalm 23

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul."

bleh

change is beautiful because it keeps perspective.
it is also awful because it destroys wonderful things.

everything is life has two sides, it's allllll bittersweet. i just want to be known and loved. is that really too much to ask? Life is an adventure, yes, life is fun alone because you have no limits, i like the feeling of knowing it's me, and only me, i like feeling that sort of invincible courage. I can do anything. (well, not really but almost.)

but happiness seems like it's only real if it is shared.
i would like a heart to warm my own and travel with me along the journey so that at the end of it all i will have someone to account for the laughter the memories the trials the journeys the rough patches the conquering... of life.

change

we live in a world that's lost it's appreciation for small things. We live in a world that wants things to be bigger and better. we want to supersize our fries, sodas, and church buildings. But amid all the supersizing, many of us feel God doing something new, something small and subtle. This thing Jesus called the kingdom of God is emerging across the globe in the most unexpected places, a gentle whisper amid the chaos. Little people with big dreams are re imagining the world. Little movements of communities of ordinary radicals are committed to doing small thing with great love.
-Shane Claiborne

regrets.

It's been almost a year now,
was it really worth it?
I am still deciding.

why is there such a huge gap between who i am,
and who i want to (and should) be ?
it's frustrating.

bff.

This is what feels like my first summer without my best friend. I'm not stoked on the idea of not being without alexx this summer, not having her to wake up at 6am with and lie on the dock reading donald miller, not having her to tell me to stop wearing makeup and stop worrying about my hair, not having her to help me battle raccoons and mice in the middle of the night with flashlights, not having her to pull me out of the lake when the rock is too slippery and we're skinny dipping. Just kidding, that was alexx who got stuck :)

No one compares. I miss you.

perfect.

I hate how the people in life you love most are the ones that will hurt you most. I am ready for real life to begin where i am above drama, gossip, and petty grudges. I wish i could forgive and forget but it's always easier said than done! I am flawed, but isn't everyone? I'm only 18, i shouldn't have to be "perfect" for anyone. I'm still taking things day by day, learning something new along the way. I have no idea where i'm headed, and i like that.

summer 09

first picture of the summer :)

love.

end.

I am officially moved out of residence and back home. The last week was the hardest but also the best. I still wake up expecting to be back in my tiny overheated room of Mac House waiting for amanda to call me from the room beside me, wander into sarah and sam's room where we'll talk for an hour before finally deciding to get breakfast. etc





Goodbye First Year. You were everything i thought you would be and more. Thankyou for the memories Mac House. I'll forever miss you ..

RIP

It could have been any of us, really. It could have been my residence, my floor.. the reality of the situation hits so hard. But for some reason it had to be him, that floor, his death. There are so many unanswered questions.

I don't think you need to know someone to be affected by their death. He was a student at my university, he was a friend of a friend, he could have been anyone. But just knowing that a life was taken so young, it hurts. Just goes to show you can never to to confident in anything because it can be taken from you so easily. We live our lives thinking that we have the benefit of the future. We have tomorrow to apologize, we have next year to get serious about our school work, we have the next couple years to become the good person we should be, we have our whole lives to make right all the wrongs we have created. But really you don't.

If you died right now, would you be okay with the life you lived? Would it be a life that, if you had children, they would love and look up to you for? Would it be a life that makes your parents proud? Did you create all you wanted for yourself? Did you die the person you always wanted to be? My thoughts and prayers go to his family and friends, i can't even imagine the pain ...

Also, my grandma died last year around this time. I remember the last time we saw her, in the hospital bed ... laughing with us like always, even if she didn't know who we were anymore. Miss you. Lots.

good friday

"My Father holds me in His nailed, scarred hands. Which i put there. Yet for some reason He still loves me with all His heart..."

new beginngins.

"We should no longer seek to see the beginnings of things nor yearn to say goodbye to an end. What we need to seek is to see the vision, create, and understand the whole of who we are. The realization of the totality of who we are is the greatest gift that life gives to us. When we understand that the process we are in is not compartmentalized into beginnings and endings we find our lives becoming harmonized into the wholeness of who we are...


..By focusing on the wholeness of who we are we begin a new direction in our life. We step forth into the light and become a beacon for others to follow. Our life becomes full of wonder for it is the act of becoming whole that allows us to see with new eyes and to understand our pathway in life."

haste the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jC4N1kv5mps

end of the year

This is all ending to fast. I walk down the hallways of my residence with dread and sadness. I don't want to leave, this ghetto place is my home, my best memories have taken place here. These are the memories that will stick with me for way too long. I can't picture life outside of these bashed up walls, or without the best friends i have made. I don't even like to think of this year ending. This is my home..

the nights belong to boats and lovers.

Last summer could have been the best yet. It was everything and anything i could have asked for. Filled with boats, sunsets, skinny dipping, lovers, and best friends...
This summer however, has a strange twist. With a couple of my best friends not there, and the boy moving away, it has potential to suck. However, here's to redemption. Here's to working two jobs that may or may not kill me... But here's to my best, Charly MacCarl (and maybe rebec if she's here) and the summer of our lives that awaits us. Maybe we wont have everything we want to have this summer, but we will have eachother and thats all we need.
Here's to many more summer nights on boats, tatoos, roadtrips, our own cars, hanging out, getting super tanned, going to the gym every day, parties, concerts, spontaneity, doing all those things we want to do before we're tied down, living freely, all nighters, learning, figuring out our lives, camping, honestly this list goes on. We will live the dream this summer Charly. I promise.

get up.

Sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself, is this everything you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed for your life? And when you realize it's not, its a matter of stepping far back to see where it was that you went wrong...


Where did i go wrong? I always wanted more for my life. All this is great, i love the memories we've made this year and i wouldn't change them. But somehow i know there's still more to life.

"Oh but im so small, i can barely be seen,
how can this great love be inside of me?
Look at your eyes, their small in size,
but they see enormous things. "- mewithoutyou.

closure.

this song is so fitting to right now:
"this is the least that i can do, you know i'm bad at calling you. The best way i can extend the lonely words i miss you... i'll say it but i'm sure you knew, you're what i look most forward to, coming back to where i've been, i'll just leave it at this...

Wait for me to move out west, it's ok if you don't. i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast. i wish i stayed, i hope you wait. So here i am counting down the days till california comes..." -Playing Favourites by The Starting Line
I'll always count down the days. Even if we move on and find other people.

summer.

Sometimes i think i will never feel happiness as strong or as pure as i did that morning in late august. The morning we woke up to work in the backyard for hours, moving twigs, digging trenches for the sprinkler, and throwing bricks into the lake. We could have been out there for hours but it hardly mattered because we were all together, laughing at each other, and making stupid inside jokes that would carry on for far too long..


I remember the sun, and how bright it was that day. I remember the lake and how cool the water was as it lapped around our faces in the tube. I remember how lazy the day felt as we collapsed on the trampoline with five thousand blankets, his arms wrapped so tight around me. I remember the comfort, and the laughter, of being in a group but just talking to him. We all lied there for hours planning out our evening, feeling the potential of the night air. I remember the wind as it whipped through our hair in the car he drove too fast. I remember the rap songs that played too loudly through the speakers. I remember the change room we had shower parties in, the sauna we sat in, the house we made Kraft dinner in, the dock we always ended back on to look at the stars, the smiles on our faces, the love of the night air.

I know the future will hold many more memories, with different friends and different boys. But all i really want is that memory, with those friends, and him.

letter

i found this letter my freind wrote me before i came to school. it is exactly what i need to hear right now.

"Hey Rae, I know your scared about this year and moving away from home, but there's a few things i wanted to tell you before you go this summer. You are one of the most genuine people I've met. Your different than everyone else because your yourself, and no one can take that away from you. I want you to remember who you are right now.

You may have a hard year because your someone who sees a deeper meaning to life than others. You live for bigger things and you care for more than just yourself. Your life has significance that goes beyond alcohol and endless partying. The people around you won't understand this because it's not what their used to. Just keep your head up and stay strong. And don't let them change you. You don't need to change for anyone, ever, because who you are right now is amazing.

Promise me you will never settle for less than you deserve. Whether it be guys or friends. Your ability to be vulnerable with people is beautiful but if your not careful people will walk all over you. Guard your heart and your mind and you will be fine, you are strong and you can handle whatever is thrown your way as long as you believe. Don't listen to what people say, you know yourself and they don;t, so they dont matter.

Also remember you are so beautiful; inside and out. You have so much potential to go very far in life, i know you will change the world someday with your joyful spirit. Maybe not the whole world, but i know that all the lives you meet along your journey will be changed or influenced in someway by your life. You dream big and it will intimidate people but stay focused.

Above all else remember your purpose in being at school. Keep on living to change the world."

undone.

in the act of being yourself you are automatically put at great personal risk. How that person responds to seeing you completely undone will change how you perceive yourself, whether you realize it or not. There are people who will mock you, who will laugh in arrogance at your vulnerability. These are the people that create the deep emotional scars that never quite heal. There are also people who will love you, use you, and then leave you, and i don't mean in a physical way, rather emotionally. Perhaps these people create deeper wounds because one begins to wonder what they could have done to drive them away.

And then there are the people who can see your real self and love you in return. These are the people who validate our existence, make us feel loved and desirable as a person. These are the friends who you will let see you at your worst; the friends who stay up with you into the early hours of the morning helping you fix the problems you created. The people that reach into your lives and change it for the better. The people you cannot live without. The people that hurt to let go. These people become our home, the comfort one feels in their presence is unspeakable.

I wish i had the courage to be myself all the time. I wish i could be loved through the suffering and stupid mistakes i constantly make. I wish i wasn't so scared of what people think of me.

spring fever.

i was up at 8am this morning. Probably the earliest i've been up in a long time. But guess what, i saw the sun creep it's way across campus. and it was beautiful.
spring is in the air. i am so so soooo stoked