story.

Before it all happened he sat her down and told her that bad things will always happen to good people, no one knows why, but when these things happen you are not to push people away. Keep them close, he said, because you will need those few good people more than you have needed anyone before. But it wasn't me who pushed them away, she told me, they opended the front door and bolted out of my life faster then i could finish speaking. You don't shut people out, they shut you out, that's how it happened, she explained. She said she didn't turn her back on life, it was the other way around. She was blinded the moment life pulled the curtain over her eyes and no one dared lift it up. Too much baggage, she said, they didn't want to have anything to do with someone who acutally needed something from them. There was always a few who i thought would be there, she said, people who were so much apart of my past who knew me and my sturggle, but where were they when it happened? Not so much as a text, an email, a phone call. And then those who promised their time, their shoulder, and their open ears, never followed through. I would rather not have empty promises at a time like this, she said, it was false hope.

And it was then that i realised, she continues, that my life didn't matter. I mean it's not as if i was some psycho depressed suicidal person, but in reality one life doesn't matter. I had this moment where i was walking down the street and i slipped off the curb into the street becuase i am so damn clumsy. And it got me to thinking what would happen if there was a car there when i fell, what if i got hit. The idea almost seem relieving to me. And that scared me even more. What kind of people will let their friend walk aimlessly around town with heavy traffic and fast busses etc, with the thought of dying in her mind. What kind of people don't give enough of a shit to make sure their friend's head is in the right place. But that was a revelation in itself. The fact that if i die no one will care, yet if i live no one will care. And it was like all the frost was gone from the cold car window and i could see so perfectly. I can't keep living for people, with the thought that they should be so much apart of me. if i decide to live, if i decide to pick up my lazy ass and just get on with things, it will have to be for myself. And really that is the only reason to make decisions, or live really. For yourself. Because beyond that most people have their priorities completely backwards so why would you want to live for such screwed up people anyway?