I made a new blog, because there were some people reading this who i don't want reading it. So if you wanna know the URL of my new blog message me or leave a comment and i'll let yaaa know. 

"Stoic faces when I think of you, And how I once believed

So now you call me, but you know I won't let you through, I've myself to decieve

So leave the memories alone, I don't want to see

The way it is, as to how it used to be

Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing

And I'll hold you here in my memory

So I find me in your garden now, A sad smile for the scene

And all the flowers that we planted now, Taken by the weeds

But in my minds eye, you know they still bloom for me, 

They stand tall there, in that summer breeze

 You'll never change.

You will, never, change. "

-fuel

Today I was freed.

Today the sun seeped through my skin,

and the wind danced in my hair.

Today I let go.

 My life started again today. 

'The brightest flame always burns the quickest.

you said you saw the sun.' 

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping they presence my light.

I think a lot of people walk around looking for reasons to be un-happy and dis content about their position in life. And if you look hard enough, these reasons sure as hell will present themselves. I woke up early Sunday morning to the sun pouring through my drapes that are actually just bath towels pinned to the window frame. I tore them down, and i opened my window. i heard birds chirping for the first time in a long time as i got ready for the day. I watched my favorite tv show before walking the 15 minute walk to church through the park and the petting zoo. We even stopped to look at the llamas and miniature donkeys. I came home and emailed the church, volunteering to work in children ministries because, with out trying to sound like a pedophile, children are my favorite to work with.  I proceeded to make lots of pink lemonade, and blared xavier rudd as i worked on my essay that is so impossible and due today. I went to bed completely happy. I don't think i really had a reason to be happy, or content. I just was. Maybe it's a matter of waking up early and making the day your own.

My new favourite TV show is "Weeds". I've finished two seasons in one week. I love the show cos it's humorous and sarcastic and you kind of fall in love with the family on the show. The main character is a single mom who's husband died and now sells weed to provide for her family. She struggles a lot with her two boys, and they just kind of do their own thing, she always fails to have control over them. And i mean it's not like she doesn't care...her main struggle is to provide for them, but she seems to fail a lot.
             I was reading through old emails when i should have been doing an essay. I ended up reading about the last year or two of my life. Reading them over, i felt like that main character. I try so hard to keep my life under control but it always spirals out of my grasp. I think i fail a lot, just like she fails her sons. I mean the two aren't really comparable but they are. Below are quotes that i took out of the emails i read. Sometimes its nice to remember were i've come from...

Somedays everything just feels pretty empty without him there to make me laugh. And she told me that when ppl are around him they get intimidated and stuff becuase well, it's him, he's like this big strong person and they try to act a certain way so that he will like them. But she was like, but you rae, you are just you, your so real and just yourself around him. and i think he loves that your able to do that. And its funny becuase you know how i say the stupidest things all the time, he just laughs, and all this stupid stuff we do together.

Can i just say? That's something that i really like about him. Like either people get me, or they don;t. and he gets me and its so wonderful. I think the best thing in life is to be "known" not like be popular, but to have people know you and understand. Like you know how they say to be loved is to be known? And , i like being known by god and i like that he is the only one who understands. but on a different level i really like be known by him as well.Its very nice

I just remember sitting there soaking wet trying to comprehend everything that she was telling me without crying . It was awful, like this moment would go under my top ten least favourite moments of life.

"i honestly CANNOT imagine how hard it is for you to be in this whole thing..because honestly.. it has taken so much out of you..and it has affected you in 180 different ways, emotionally, spiritually, and phyyyyysically.. like ACTUALLY all three.
he's taken you apart and put you back together countless times, and taken way too many things away from you, and the worst part is..is that he still isn't learning.."

I don't know, she just asked me, what do you value more: yourself or you freindship with him? it was like a cement wall, if i could pin point it to one major  turning point it was that exact moment. it just sort of changed everything, my whole outlook. I wish i could say i never looked back since then, becuase i have, but the difference is i'm stronger now.

"that actually made me so happy..because thats kind of what i was feeling this whole year..but yet again, you said the right words.. and ultimately YOU had to realize it right?"

and like it was acutally ridiculous. I just let him have it I ripped on him so hard full out yelling, and I was like “if you care about this friendship at all you will come talk to me” so he obv came with me, so we go to my room completely ripping each other apart like “your so fucking retarded” kind of statements. And then I burst out crying and go, “i am so so sorry. We can't be like this.” and he was like “ya ya its okay” but it wasn't at all.

it was so nice. he was someone new. and I was like “why do you always want to see me? I don't get this.” and he was like “i don't know your different. You actually have character. You make me laugh.” and like he'd say all these things, but I didn't buy them.. So I played it off so smoothly and I was like “whatever. I don't care.” but i think i did. As did he.

I mean im not angry or anything. I just need answers. I need to be happy again. I was in my devotional thing and i found this quote, "It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand." and that makes me feel better. Because I am not doing whats right all the time. But I am still on a path that God is leading me through. I really dont understand whats going on right now, and it feels like more than just temporary but im sure ill figure it out soon.

sunday drive.

Today was a bad day. Today I made it to the gym, but lied in bed watching tv for the remaining day light hours. Today I missed class. And you.

I got lost in the mess of life and i lost my direction for a moment. I always think of you when i lose it. But when i find it again... well you're gone.

'It feels so much worse when you expect more from somebody.'

Green eyes, blue skies, natural disasters when she cries. 

Green eyes, their mine, it's only a matter of time.

Oh if we could only treat people the way in which they deserve to be. He is so nice and respectful and that kind of person you want to find. But I am my own, I can't be re attached to anyone. I don't like that it took me this long to realize that. It's not fair at all.

dear whom ever may read this: After thinking about my previous statement i stand corrected. Cancer is, in fact, not the devil. This is because cancer can have many redeeming qualities, and there is nothing redeeming about evil.

Sometimes when things seem really dark, sometimes there is a bright light behind them. Sometimes you have to change your perspective to see it.

dear whom ever may read this: Cancer is the devil.

bc and photos.

My brother, Johnny baby, lives in Vancouver. This means that he gets to be in cool pictures all the time (like the one below.) He asked me to creep his pictures and use them in my blog. So johnny this is for you. I will be in Vancouver sooner than you know it. And i want to be in a ton of cool pictures too. Word. ps since when do you wear plaid shirts?!

"there's a place i'd like to go somewhere out west, it's not specific, and the pictures show it best.

i know there's trees i know there's sand and i know there's grass, i know it's somewhere in the past.

there's a girl out there who's lookin for it too, she's not sure when she'll go or exactly what she'll do.

am i doomed am i the first one of the last? am i just someone from the past?"

I cut all my hair off. I think it makes me look like 20 years older. Too old. I started buying more sophisticated clothes, but i realized i could never really be sophisticated with the stains all over them. I will always drop my food everywhere. I will never be able to wear heels. I will always wear un matched clothes. More importantly, i am terrified to turn 20 years old this summer.

"I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on."

time.

'All those evenings on the back deck of our first apartment. They meant everything but the wind just carried them off. '

                    I got a phone call from an old friend from my highschool-ish years. It's always bitter sweet to hear from them because its sad to realize how you hardly talk anymore, but its nice knowing that you can always pick up just where you left off. I like having friends that you have known forever, because they just know you. I am kind of seeing where things go with this new guy, and he's mentioned once or twice that he "likes me". This frustrates me because he doesn't know me.  He knows nothing of my past of my family or my friends, he really only knows this person i am at university. I've always wondered if you can get to know someone without first knowing their past, i guess for some people it's possible but not for me. Who i am is so deeply routed in the places i have been growing up and the people i spent those years with.
                  I always feel a bit lost when i don't have a piece of home with me. It's hard to explain living in a small town has had such a large impact on the person i am. I love coming back to where i've been. I love coming back to the people who have always been there. Time after time, it's always the same. Whether its the times we've sat around and remembered our old adventures, or the times we're back out there relieving our old adventures. It's who we are. It's who i am.

My family & I got separated in New York City when I was little. Scared, I sat crying on the sidewalk as tons of people passed by. A homeless man picked me up, comforted me, & carried me to a police officer, who found my parents. He had a long beard & I asked if he was Jesus. He laughed so hard he cried. He GMH. http://www.givesmehope.com/

people always leave.

I am the kind of person who always remembers their dreams so vividly. I am that person who wakes up and has to text someone immediately telling them about what i dreamt. It happens all the time, it's soo annoying. But it's cool because i think dreams can tell you a lot about your unconscious self. Last night i had such a bad dream, not the scary kind, but the kind that makes you cry in your sleep. I wont go into detail but it basically had to do with four of my closest guy friends and all of them eventually telling me off and completely leaving me for different reasons. The one was really stressful because he left without saying goodbye or giving me a chance to even explain myself, he just peaced... and it was so painful.

I had the chance to hangout with good freinds from my highschool days tonight. I brought up my dream and they told me what they thought, and we all kinda made fun of me and ended up talking about pretty much everything. The topic of how our freinds moved out west was brought up, a familiar topic, one that has changed and effected all our lives. However i shut it down before it had the chance to flourish. They asked me why i always do this, and i tell them that i can't talk about it without being upset. That move took something so important away from me, something that made me so happy, something that i was now where close to being ready to let go of. It took it at the worst timing too, the time that it was crucial to my life. I remember the feeling before and after the move, the one of complete longing for something but knowing that you'd never be able to have it again. I can't really put that feeling into words; there are none that can describe it. It was almost as if half my self was split in two, the other half was taken far from me.
I realize now what my dream was about, my fear of people leaving. Peyton from one tree hill had this little saying, "people always leave." and thats all i've known so far. I know this world is a good place and i know there's plenty of people who do stay. But the experience of this one person leaving, this one very important person being forced out of my life unwillingly, has had a profound effect on the way i now see things. I guess that's why i now hold on as hard as i do. It makes sense.

girl says:

I know,

I just wish that I had met him in like, a year, and I would have all of this behind me, but that isn't how it happened. I just don't know what to do...so I am not going to do anything

raaach. says:
exactly.
this is either gonna make you and him stronger and make you realize how much you want him, or its gonna make you realize you want to be on your own
like right now being on your own seems so... amazing and free and wonderful
but its an awful lonely place out there.

girl says:

yeah, it really does

raaach. says:
but he is a rare one in a million

girl says:

I know!

raaach. says:
i just dont want to see you let the best guy go and you not be ready for it.

girl says:

I know

raaach. says:
you can let him go, but only if you realize all your letting go.

girl says:

thats why I can't let him go right now, because I am not ready to

girl says:

but I wish I could have the chance to experience that for myself, I feel like this is an important part of life that I am missing out on.. going through finding out who I am without being attatched to someone,

raaach. says:
very true
raaach. says:
well its kinda like, you either miss out on this part of your life, or you potentially miss out on the best part of your life... him.
but not really.

girl says:

I know

raaach. says:
i dont want to be biased here
im playing devils advocate to your thoughts

girl says:

I just wish I could have found him later in life when I was ready for him

raaach. says:
well you could always ask to put things on hold...
but speaking from experience
i think he will end up being too hurt to get back into a relationship w you

girl says:

I don't know, He was saying last night how he would wait for me no matter what

raaach. says:
thats how i feel  sometimes. as much as i want that guy back... i could never go back.

girl says:

But I don't want to hurt him. And I son't want to be the person who can't make up their mind, and it going back and forth

raaach. says:
exactly
so its like once you make up your mind you gotta stick to it

girl says:

exactly

so I don't want to end things with him unless I am sure that is what I want

raaach. says:
good idea.

girl says:

I know, I am so smart

raaach. says:
S-M-R-T

 Why can't we just know these things! Why does it have to take forever, why do we struggle so much with knowing the difference between what we want and what is good for us? Why do hearts always break in the process?! It's because it's our journey. It's how life goes. If everything was for certain this world would be an awfully boring place. There would be no adventure, no beauty in uncertainty, it just wouldn't be life. We always live for some ultimate goal, as if certain steps will lead us up to everything that we've been looking and striving for. But in life, the process is the product. These little steps mean everything. These conversations, these decisions... this is the product. Embrace it.

  I just noticed this today... One of my biggest flaws is the fact that i am so so pessimistic.

"I’m afraid of time… I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time. Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgments or mistakes everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time. I’m afraid of seeing snapshots, not movies."

I think that the word love, and i don't mean eros, but brotherly love, is a tricky word. I think that this word often falls victim to being over used and never really meant. I also believe that love is not just a "feeling" or some thing you feel for people, but it has to have some sort of action attached to it. I feel that love can be expressed in words but it is often best expressed through actions.

Girls use love as means of gaining popularity. I see this so often, girls being all 'i love you' to their friends, because when you say you love them they feel all validated and known and it's like "yeah i love all my girls"... But really they just say that so that people will like them and want to be their friend too.  I can't explain that very well. I would just rather be shown love through actions like, taking a friend out to lunch, helping them write that essay they just remembered was due tomorrow, staying in with them when their too sick to go out. Love speaks volumes through actions.

                 Particularly, i don't want to have to go through all the effort of getting to know someone new. I wish i could just meet someone from my past, or someone i already know, and be with them for the rest of my life. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to explain why I am the way I am to that guy; I want him to already know everything. Like, how could i explain to some guy that my irrational fear of the dark/monsters/serial killers stems from back to back weekends of my brothers babysitting me and telling me about the boogie man who lives in the downstairs closet? Really, try explaining that to a 20 year old man without having him run as fast as he can away from me.
                I want to have someone who just knows, he'll check in my closet and under my bed for me before saying goodnight. I want to have someone who knows that i shouldn't be allowed to eat popcorn without supervision otherwise i will eat multiple bags without even realizing. I want a guy who understands my inability to sit still and do homework, who will literally duck tape me to my desk chair until I am done. I want that guy who best understands my past to carry me to my future.

"I was at a funeral the day I realized I wanted to spend my life with you. Sitting down on the steps at the old post office the flag was flying at half mast and I was thinking about how everyone is dying and maybe it is time to live."

redemption.

I had the biggest battle with myself this morning over being human, and the reality of the human condition. For me it all comes down to the fact that we're all incredibly flawed and painfully broken.It just kind of hit me that i am part of this race who's genetic makeup somehow makes it impossible for us to exist without ultimately destroying every good thing around us. Not to be pessimistic, but i mean we walk around all day unintentionally wounding the people around us. I think its because we have small brains and not big enough hearts or something, but we all have these desires to be greedy, to backtalk our closest friends, to basically live focused on ourselves. I mean, we have a drive to do good things as well, like we want to love and be loved, we long to be known and to know people, we want to have friends, good friends that have your back, we want to love and support our families, we want to make things change for the better. But more often than not we fall subject to the demands of our bad desires.

It's funny, and ironic, how so many of us want to be loved unconditionally but fail to show that love to others. It's funny, and sad, how after one fight you can turn around and without thinking bash your best friend, which so often leaves giant emotional scars on that person's life. One bad action can forever change the way a person views themselves, but one good action has limited effect. You never know how big someone's scars are until you hurt them. I hate the cold reality of this world. I hate how divorce leaves tremendous effects upon an innocent child, i hate how one person's mistake effects so many others. I just hate and hate and hate, but all i want is LOVE. I want to be an exception, i want to tell people that i will love them unconditionally, I don't want to be jealous, or angry, or hurt, or willing to hurt others. But i always will be these things, simply becuase i am human.  I need to see a lot less giving up, and a lot more redemption. 

"I don't know what to do anymore. Life seems like a series of infinite nothings. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm just lost."

My favorite moments are always the ones that occur in ridiculous hours of the morning. You know, those 2am car rides home, the msn conversations that lasted till 4am, the camp fires that kept going till we were too weak to fight sleep off any longer. How I Met Your Mother (the best tv show ever) says that no good decisions are made after 2am, and although i agree with that, nothing tops those late night / early morning conversations. Maybe cause they make no sense but so much sense at the same time.

It probably was never the best decision to go on the 2am skinny dipping adventure, or that midnight hike for some unknown destination that left us lost in the country for hours, but they were the best memories. I could use more of those.

They always ask, how is university? I always just shrug, i say, oh you know. Why, they ask. I hate it, i tell them, i hate it more than anything. Why? they ask me again..

...becuase there is a life outside this city block with real people, and i want to find it. I'm sick of the smell of decay here, lives are wasted, and i refuse to be one of them. That's why.

you tell me to live.

The past sunday at church my pastor asked the question, in passing, "does the way in which you live bring life to the people around you?" He didn't elaborate much, but i think it's such a thought provoking question that, if asked by ourselves every morning, could bring a lot of changes in our daily lives. In order to bring life to the fragile barren lives around us, i think we must:
-have a servant's heart. Help people without being asked, be willing to do annoying or mundane tasks without complaining. Be willing to serve others in many ways.
-be energetic. I think a lot of people (especially students) fall victim to laziness, falling into a routine of going to class, watching tv and sleeping. If we were to be motivated, energetic, and task oriented i think that energy would be passed on to those around us. It's as simple as inviting people to go to the gym or for a run with you.
-be open and honest. I think when we're real with people and real with ourselves, a lot of respect is generated. Also people feel more comfortable around honest people who are willing to listen and who don't place judgment on everyone.
-be an example of love that is not conditional or shallow. I mean like, really love people.
-invite others along for the adventure. Live life to the fullest, and make a few good friends to help you live it out.

To you, i give my life. Not just the parts i want to. To you, i sacrifice these dreams that i hold on to. Cos your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life.

To you, i give the gifts, your love has given me. How can i hoard the treasure, that you designed for free. Because your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words, are deeper than mine, your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life. To you i give my future, as long as it may last. To you i give my presence, to you i give my past.

I guess i miss you. I will most likely miss you everyday until that day arrives. But i don't mind it much. It's not overwhelming; It's something to work and look forward to.

I think of you sometimes. When i'm sad but most of the time when i'm most happy. I still want you there to enjoy the best parts of life with me. I think and hear about how your changing and how i'm not there to watch you grow and learn and become the person you were meant to be. Your still that anchor that pulls me back to home.

four word letter

"I wrote a four word letter...with post-script in crooked lines,

"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."

And you know who I am...you held my hem as I traveled blind,

Listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,

Telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain as the handlebars crashed to the ground,

And the back wheel detached from the frame, it kept rolling, yeah,

But aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...down to the river to pray.

"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"

But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.

"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."

No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Oh, Amanda, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Mama, Nana, let's go down...down in the dirt by the river to pray."

- four word letter pt 2, mewithoutYou. 

teach me how to live.

I noticed this week/ had it pointed out to me, just how shallow i really am. I like to think i can see past looks and fake identities that most people put on, into the real person they are... but to be honest, most of my world is based on looks.I don't think i'm very shallow, not when it comes to other people but only when it comes to myself.

I have this tendancy to walk around campus and more often than not, i'll catch an "attractive" guy's eye, and then wait for the nod of approval. It's not necessarily a nod, but for lack of a better term, its that look you recieve, confirming my identity... "yeahh your attractive," is what this look tells me. So i walk around feeling good about myself and i continue this search and look for answers in the eyes of random, but goodlooking, guys around me. As i write this its so obvious how completley stupid it sounds, but it's a habit. My worry is, what will happen one day when i stop recieving these nods. What happens the day i stop getting my self indentity and confidence from complete strangers. Do i just fall apart? I'm so scared life will make me blind or knock out a couple of my teeth, or make my face all mangled from a freak car accident some day just to teach me to stop being so shallow. Life is sometimes a bitch like that. So my current new years resolution is to get over this damn shallow business.

"it is about waking up and realizing that at some point in the past we've gone to the toilet and thrown up our dreams without even realizing that society has stuck its fingers down our throat."

I slept on your side of the bed last night. I don't know why I call it that, or how it even became your side. But it just is. I slept there so I wouldn't wake up and be disappointed when I turned to the right and you weren't there beside me. Instead I was greeted by my wall, which was cold and empty, kind of like how I felt without you there. It's funny how you have so much ownership over things in my life already. I find myself always waking up at 5am because that's normally when you'd start snoring, and when I would plug your nose, and when you would wake up laughing at me. You know your such a waste of inspiration. Because with you I can feel all these things and I could write for hours about it if I allowed myself to. But I can't, and I won't.  I don't want to feel these things and then have to tell you. All I want is you back on your side of the bed.

"A guy i know named Alan went around the country asking ministry leaders questions. He went to sucessful churches and asked the pastors what they were doing, why what they were doing was working. It sounded very boring except for one visit he made to a man named Bill Bright, the president of a big ministry. Alan said he was a big man, full of life, who listened without shifting his eyes. Alan asked a few questions. I don't know what they were, but as a final question he asked Dr. Bright what Jesus meant to him. Alan said Dr. Bright could not answer the question. He said Dr. Bright just started to cry. He sat there in his big chair behind his big desk and wept.

And when Alan told that story i wondered what it was like to love Jesus that way. I wondered, quite honestly, if that Bill Bright guy was just nuts or if he really knew Jesus in a personal way, so well that he would cry at the very mention of his name. I know then that i would like to know Jesus like that, with my heart, not just my head. I felt like that would be the key to something."  -  Blue Like Jazz, by donald miller.

still be my vision.

"Be thou my vision oh lord of my heart,

not be all else to me save that thou art.

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise.

thou mine inheritance, now and always.

thou and thou only, first in my heart.

high king of heaven, my treasure thou art. "

 still be my vision.

There's a place I know of somewhere in the future, and there's a boy from my past, who understands it best.

"the mind may have forgotten, but the body remembers everything -

in the melody of a song, in a rip of a dress, in a taste stuck at the

tip of your tongue, in the freckled constellation splattered across

your light skin, in a look not mean to be a look, in the movement

of their hips against yours, in a graze between nervous hands, in

the loud beat of your beating heart. in one moment, the body

remembers everything so vividly, so wildly, as if it were experiencing

it the first time & the last time combined - an explosion of sorts that

will never seem to leave with time. these things have become pieces

of us, that have found a way to stay forever, as much as we deny it

ever happened. but the reality is that it was never a figment - in fact,

it was our realest dream somehow brought to life."

People always joke around about how blond i am .I always get ripped on. Like it's this joke, and i know they don't mean it, but yeah most times i believe it. But you know what, I may be simple, and i may be small and relatively powerless. I may have blond hair and i may not always say the smartest comments, I may have ADD, and i may make a lot of mistakes. But i think once i set all those things aside, i like to think i have a lot to offer people.

I may trip and stumble at work, i might screw up your orders but at least i can always raise a few good laughs. I may not be able to sit and study for hours on end, i may not be able to get the best marks on midterms, but give me an essay to write and i'll own it. I may have poor taste, i may wear clothes that don't always fit together, so maybe i like to wear converse shoes with dresses, but at least i value creativity. I may not be able to draw or paint master pieces, but my stick figure drawings make the best birthday cards ok.

I may be shy and act snobby and anti social, but sit me down with anyone and a cup of coffee, and i will listen and try and understand until you run out of things to say. I may not be the best at singing, or playing guitar, and my attempts at piano might be sad, but i believe in the power of music, and i will probably sing very loudly, and still play my guitar and piano because music heals. I may not be the best at writing, but it's my outlet.

I may not be stunningly beautiful, but i'm starting to see that none of that stuff matters anymore. I may not be your average girl at university but i'm learning its okay to be different; it's ok if you don't loveee going out to bars every single night and using the terminology "bitchesssss". I may not have my hair or makeup perfectly done, but i am real. I may not be in on all the happenings and gossip, but quite honestly i don't give a shit.

I may fail a lot, and i mean a lot a lot, But i believe in grace. I may be simple but i believe in love and i believe in joy. I believe you can change things if you really need to. I also think being simple and small and blond and clumsy and all that i am, i think that's ok. I like life is simple; and should be lived as such.

loose everything.

and find yourself. 

be thou my vision.

I didn't have the chance to know this guy, but he attended the church that i sometimes go to. I really don't know anything but i heard he died and someone posted this video on facebook, and wow.

i always tell myself someday i will be that person, that change that i want to see in this world. but i dont know why im waiting for that someday, or when that someday will be. I just know i want this and i want it know.

"I'm looking for something empty, im looking for something real, and I can see you faded now, lost my strength when you lost your thrill. Honestly im better of lonely, promises are just pretend. God damn this faith i'm wearing, god damn this place. We can run, we can hide, we can show off our guns and put on a fight, if its love, hold on tight, hold on tight, and maybe we'll make it out alive, maybe we'll make it."

everyday i see my dream.

I'm starting to love this place and my life here a bit more and more each day.

I always try to find the perfect picture, quote, and words to describe my mood, but all are failing me right now and it's so fustrating. I wish i had words for this, and for you, but i just don't. I wish you could know. Oh, and i wish you could be here. But you will be. And we'll just know what it is when we see it.

"so young and full of running. tell me where is that taking me?

just a great figure eight, a tiny infinity" 

take it ALL.

I sat there and wanted to plead with God for my life. I always used to pull the whole "God do it my way, and i promise, you can have my future." But it didnt take long to realize asking him for my way was not surrendering my future. It was taking a strong grip on it away from his plans. I sat there and said that no matter the outcome of what laid before me, my future was his. If it turned out okay, it was only by his will, and i would make a conscious effort to live my life differently becuase of the grace i'd been granted. If it turned out not okay, then that was his plan, and the only way to live my life would be within his plan, becuase i tried once making it on my own and look where it took me. It was as simple as that. It came down to all or nothing, and i was so sick of chosing luke warm. it has to be all from now on.

I worry my inspiration left when you did. I have not much to write about anymore.

leave.

I wish i had something to show for my life. Like, i wish i was in some far off country living the dream. Instead i could only you show a thousand midterms and essay's i've done okay on. And really that's not much for me and the life i want to live. Two more years.

And then the world is mine.

Here's to sailing in sydney, surfing in tofino, and building orphanages in... somewhere still undecided. I know my life is now but i can't wait till the real part starts. I don't know what exactly it holds yet but i can almost feel it now, and it's going to be legit.

"I’m afraid of time… I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time. Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgments or mistakes everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time. I’m afraid of seeing snapshots, not movies."

bring it.

i don't know if this is the possible case of swine flu i have talking, or maybe its due to the fact i've been bed ridden all day, but as i sit here, thinking im in my last hours of my life haha, i've realized something...

i am utterly and completely happy with the way everything has turned out this year.  Don't get me wrong, this year was and still is a complete piece of shit. But i've come to see it for what it really is.

all the shitty things that have happened this year have all been for a reason. They are shaping me into the person i am going to be, the person i need to be and was created to be. it's all part of the bigger plan and scheme of things we often fail to see.

But i see it now.

and im so thankfull.

come what may.

"create in me a clean heart, oh God.

and renew a right spirit within me." 

"The sky was made so clear that sometimes, at night,

you can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns.

Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."

use somebody.

i just wanna know that i'll be remembered.

i mean there's a thousand other blondes out there, and i know that sometimes my personality can be kind of bland. But i just want you to always remember me, and who i was to you.

i just want to be somebody.

that somebody.

i'm sure you know the one. 

"There were things I knew for sure.

That I had loved, once, and was loved back.

That a person could find hope.

The sum of a mans life was not where he wound up.

But in the details that brought him there."

restless.

I wish i had a thousand words for how i am feeling.. But i don't.

I wish i had a thousand answers to the thousands of questions in my head. But i don't have that either.

It's funny. I always thought i was the exception. Never thought this sort of thing could happen to my family. But it did. And it's kind of funny how supportive some people are. And how supportive some people aren't.

But it's not funny at all really. I'm just happy becuase i am able to see that good is coming from my mom's cancer.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. -To Write Love on Her Arms

dont say a word.

The honest truth is i am completely happy with the way it all turned out. I am glad to see him go and live his dream. People keep asking me, and hardly believe my answer. No, i don't need closure, i don't need to talk about it, i'm not going to dwell on it, and yes i'm over it. The truth is, some things are better left unsaid. I like it this way. He can make what he wants out of it, and i can't make what i want out of it, and in the end we're both happy. I couldn't ask for more. The timing is a perfect ending to the beginning started last year. But i'm ready for new adventures and beginnings now, i have been for a long time. I'll miss you friend.

When they ask me what I liked best, I'll tell them it was you.

music lives.

 watch this whole video..

And through his fingertips, and through their touch to the cold ivory keys,

and through all the pain that inspires him to write music, and through the emotions that drive his soul,

and through the words that have been put so carefully to paper, and through the late nights spent teaching himself to play guitar,

and through each string he gently plays, through every note he hits,

through the warmth of the melody breaking the cold silence,

through the sound of his voice in the hallow room,

through the look of passion I see in his eyes,

through it all,

he makes the music come alive.

His music lives.

It resounds through my soul.

it heals,

it inspires,

it teaches,

it lives.

don't look back.

I would never wish for the something of the past, only because i believe that things in the past should stay in the past, and the only way to ever move is forward..

but i'd be lying if i told you i don't want those days back.

"You know that feeling?

That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place,

not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?

I want to believe that."

just breathe.

We made all these promises to become better people,

it was a time we were in control of our lives and thought we knew what the future held.

Now look at us, can you even blame them ? We're a mess.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find you’re way again."

new beginnings.

I'm no longer afraid.

I'm excited to see where i end up.

and it's so good to have you back.

thanks for reminding me that the possibilites are endless.

"Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind."
 //
"we're both pretty sure but neither one can tell, 
we seem difficult, what we got is hard as hell.
a hundred thousand words could not quite explain,
so ill walk you to your car, and we can talk it out in the rainnnn"

hotel rooms.

 Note: half of what i write is real and going on in my life. Half of what i write i make up from ideas and conversations i have with people. This post is not me speaking.

After a while i got tired of living in that hotel room. You always asked me why i called it that, when really it was a tiny room in a five story condo with no evidence of ever having room service. But it was cold like a hotel room. The thermostat worked fine, my room was always a comfortable temperature, but i could not escape the chills that caressed my spine. That room had seen so many people come and go,it was like i had a two night policy, cos no guest ever stayed longer than that. I let these strange men walk through the door and i was okay with that. I never locked the door, never turned on the no vacancy sign, it was always open. They always left in the morning right before check out time, before i could wake up and see the mess they had made my life. The sheets were always colder the next morning, lingering with the memories of someone new, but someone now gone. I had nothing permanent in my room. No posters on the wall, never any food in the fridge, no pictures, nothing showing that someone actually lived there. Because no one did live there. I wasn't living in that apartment, i was dying.

It was then that i decided that i was sick of hotel rooms and finally i wanted a place i could call home. I locked the door, something i should have done months ago, and i started making it home. I re-arranged the furniture so as not to be remided of the previous way things had been. I printed off photos, hell i even hung them on my wall with little quotes underneath that spred hope throughout the room. And yes, it was my room. I unpacked, i bought groceries, i even bought a welcome mat to decorate my lonely door frame. And on the couch i draped blankets and pillows so people could stay the night, not in my bed. Everything i had known untill then was that everyone always left. But i was ready for something more permanent. I began to learn that some people do come back.

moving forword.

There's so many people i don't want to let go of, but how can you move forward when being pulled back? I'm not sure what the life i want looks like any more. It could be so many different pictures in so many different places, i just can't decide.

"it's amazing, because when you're a kid, you see the life you want.
and it never crosses your mind that it isn't going to turn out that way"

october air.

It was around this time last year. I remember the phone call and the email, the anticipation and everything you told her to tell me. I remember the feeling, words can't explain how my heart lept, and how i had a permanent smile for days. The cold weather reminds me of you, the rain and the gusting wind, the leaves that cloud the ground, everything i felt that day...

But today is a new day. And today it's raining and the wind gets mixed in with the leaves and i can hardly tell what is ground and what is air as i walk across the street. And today i hardly remember what if felt like last year. I was so young and naive. I no longer believe in words like the ones you had for me. I don't believe in most of that stuff, not because of you, but because it's easier not to. It's easier to live with your heart in your own body not in someone else's.

deafining silence.

i've been wrestling with myself for so long.
but you, you opened my eyes.
you helped me see beyond the miles of pain i thought lined my life.
and you replaced it with joy.

I stress so much. about everything,
but you, you calm the waters that flood my restless sleep.
you show me the path that leads to life,
and you help me walk along it.
"ill be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouettes dreams"

refine me through the flames.

these hands are yours, teach them to serve.

my God, i'll only ever give my all.

"i love the feeling after a good run. or the feeling when my favorite song is on full blast in the car, driving through the country air. i like when my mom makes my favorite meal. i like traveling to nowhere, getting lost, and then the best part, being found. i like being held by someone who means a lot to me, especially when i haven't seen them in awhile. We always complain there isn't enough time. or that these moments never come around enough. it's true that we never stop growing old, and we mature faster than we'd like. but time is the essence of life, and it brings change and surprise. i like watching the people i care for get older, change, become who they're suppose to be. sometimes we all wish to go back, to repeat a moment, or pause it forever. but we need change, even when we don't want it. the cards are placed and time brings us closer to our destination. all the while as we travel through.. the things we love doing, the people we share our life with, that's the destiny. we're not suppose to end up anywhere, we're suppose to make the best of this journey."

takeitback.

I see how they are, i see how they're talking, really talking again. I see how they're friends again and honestly it gives me hope that someday we will be too. I think we've got this friends thing going okay, but it's just awkward. I hope there will be a day when its not this awkward sort of what do i say / how do i act friendship, but a real legitimate one. I don't know how or even where to start to get back there though, but i need too. She needs him and in time i'll need you too. But i couldn't tell you that right now without you flipping your shit. you can't see i don't need you as en ex boyfriend. I need you in that way we were before all of it ever started. Just like how they are now. But maybe in time i will just forget about this friendship and maybe that will be a lot easier.

We used to talk. We used to talk on the phone till i'd run out of dumb things to say and you'd get bored and kick me off. Picking up the phone and calling you.. that seems like such a foreign idea to me now.

there's always a few people you don't want to do life without. and your one of them.

story.

Before it all happened he sat her down and told her that bad things will always happen to good people, no one knows why, but when these things happen you are not to push people away. Keep them close, he said, because you will need those few good people more than you have needed anyone before. But it wasn't me who pushed them away, she told me, they opended the front door and bolted out of my life faster then i could finish speaking. You don't shut people out, they shut you out, that's how it happened, she explained. She said she didn't turn her back on life, it was the other way around. She was blinded the moment life pulled the curtain over her eyes and no one dared lift it up. Too much baggage, she said, they didn't want to have anything to do with someone who acutally needed something from them. There was always a few who i thought would be there, she said, people who were so much apart of my past who knew me and my sturggle, but where were they when it happened? Not so much as a text, an email, a phone call. And then those who promised their time, their shoulder, and their open ears, never followed through. I would rather not have empty promises at a time like this, she said, it was false hope.

And it was then that i realised, she continues, that my life didn't matter. I mean it's not as if i was some psycho depressed suicidal person, but in reality one life doesn't matter. I had this moment where i was walking down the street and i slipped off the curb into the street becuase i am so damn clumsy. And it got me to thinking what would happen if there was a car there when i fell, what if i got hit. The idea almost seem relieving to me. And that scared me even more. What kind of people will let their friend walk aimlessly around town with heavy traffic and fast busses etc, with the thought of dying in her mind. What kind of people don't give enough of a shit to make sure their friend's head is in the right place. But that was a revelation in itself. The fact that if i die no one will care, yet if i live no one will care. And it was like all the frost was gone from the cold car window and i could see so perfectly. I can't keep living for people, with the thought that they should be so much apart of me. if i decide to live, if i decide to pick up my lazy ass and just get on with things, it will have to be for myself. And really that is the only reason to make decisions, or live really. For yourself. Because beyond that most people have their priorities completely backwards so why would you want to live for such screwed up people anyway?