save your heart.

i swear.

i'm legitimately done with this.

with all of this.

i'm always trying to win.
im a 19 year old girl of course i'm going to battle with this everyday.
but...
i win because i give up and i dont care anymore.
i have so many little random things that belonged to past guys scattered in my room. His hat, his necklace, his sweater, etc. They are stupid empty reminders of boys who were so insignificant they couldn't leave any valueable mark in my life except for a useless necklace. i'd rather spend months trying to earn a heart then two weeks and all i get was his sweater. i mean, that was fine for a while. but i'm tried of empty emotions.
"and you give, and they take, its love that you want, but not love that you make"

question,

i just have to ask,

where was everyone when it was all going on? were they there beside him? or did they desert him? what was going through his mind at that moment? could a kind gesture from one person have changed his mind and his decision? did they still love him like they should? did they, could they, love past the sin, and love the real person under neath it all? it's just sad.

if love conquers all, why didn't it conquer this?

whats real.

We sit on the curb, almost oblivious to the party and the people moving on around us. People stumble out of the house and step on our toes as they walked past, too drunk to see or really care. It makes me mad to see this, it makes me realize how most people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they can hardly see anyone else's.

"are you okay?" i ask her. Of course she is ok, she says, it is just some stupid boy. It sucks but shits happens and she's says she's stronger that this, and i know it's true. I tell her i hate the state of the world, how people treat eachother. But most of all i tell her how i hate guys, and how they only seek one night stands. And if that is all they think girls are good for, and that's the only way to treat them, then they are fucked. Because there is a lot more to life than physical gratification, and beneath that body there is a soul, but they would have never known that unless someone were to point it out. It's not like i'm some feminist here. I just say it how it is. And that is exactly how it is. Yet no one cares, we all just go along with it.

"that's the thing" she says to me, "i will never cry over a boy. because of what happened i now realize that there are important things in life to cry over. but boys are not one. if a boy breaks your heart you can still see him and talk to him. He is still there and alive even if he is a jackass. but when someone dies you never get to see them again. Their just gone. For good. You've lost that person forever. And that is something you can cry over. Not boys."
i realize her strength comes from knowing what's real in life.
and that's a gift and vision that not many people have.

yeah she got her own.

Things are always going to change. You have to figure out who you are apart from what surrounds you. You have to find that strength within your own soul, not someone else's.



You are not that kind of girl. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You are so much more than they could ever be.

"so here i am to take back everything you've ever taken from me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oOKMSbaVH4

aloneee.

"Baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,I used to live alone before I knew you. "

"What about the plans that we had. We'd been crazy not to go."

Yeah yeah. It's all for the best. And the best part is i really know it is.
You can't really stop something you never started anyway.
That's just the way it works. You can't love too much one part.
or, like.
But most of all, i love this feeling, this drive,
this freedom.
I could get lost in it.

sunday night.

You know that feeling you get, when your with someone you don't really care what your doing as long as your with them. But when their not there doing nothing beside you, it's almost as if everything stops mattering. It's as stupid as it sounds, but it's like they're life and without them you feel dead. And useless. I know that's not true, and i know it's probably a really unhealthy thing to feel. But every night's a sunday night when you're not here.

Just tell me the feeling goes away. Cos i really do not like it.

"You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence. So why do we go through all of this again? Your eyes are fluttering. A moth, flying into the same old flame again. It never ends. It takes fighting day and night to make such a good thing die."

let go.

be still and know.

"We're all lonely and scared. We all have problems. Big ones. We all love someone way too fucking much."

words fall short.

Where i used to spend my summers at camp, in the forest there is a tiny wooden chapel between clearwater site and AC. As a camper i used to love going to it, there was something so magical yet powerful about that chapel. As a staff i would spend the majority of my hours off in that chapel, still captivated by it's quiet beauty. I always thought it was the perfect size, just big enough for a man, his thoughts, and the presence of God. It had these giant windows that over looked the surrounding lake and forest, it was perfect. I can recall countless hours spent sitting on it's tiny pews, wrestling with God, but in the same time being humbled and brought to a place of peace. I wish i had a safe place like that here.


"Your grace has found me just as i am.
Empty handed by alive in your hands."

take it back.

Some days you need people, and some days you don't. Some days those people will be there for you, and some day they won't. It just sucks that the days you need them and the days their not there are always the same days

"So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell you it's all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment. One serene, beautiful moment when the world and everything in it makes sense. It's rare. And it doesn't get handed to you on a platter. "

It's kind of funny how you can lay out all your life events and see how one directly and indirectly affected the other. Like a chain of events, and butterfly flaps its wing in your life and suddenly you have a hurricane. You know how so often we do stupid things and after we think, why would i ever do that? looking back i can see why i did. And not to say it's your fault, but you taught me a lot of good and bad lessons in life. You didn't force me to do that, but what you did to me made me make that decision. It's still entirely my fault, and i can't take it back. That's the worse part.

the mess i've made.

For so long i've been looking for some sort of sign telling me i should be across some distant sea helping out orphans, or building schools, or really anything that did not involved being at university. I failed to see the significance that my life can have here, and that was a big mistake. Sometimes we ignore the place we are in life, looking for something better, but what we don't realize is that we're put where we are for a reason. And upon realizing that purpose... we can do so much with our lives.

Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades.

"That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day."

let me go.

"Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems i'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me Go.

Let me Go.

While i wait for the new year
To introduce new fears
While i'm wishing that i could be
Anywhere, but here." -calendar marks by my favourite highway

i wish i could say what is going on.
But honestly i have no idea.
i don't want this to be a waste of a year like the last.

a delicate frame, a fragile design.

So much confusion. Where do i even go from here?
"It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand."

And when you move ever so slightly, and when my skin touches your skin, and when you breathe out, that's when its magic. Its like these sparks, these little tiny sparks escape from the fire in your heart into mine. I swear on cold days I feel warm just from being around you. Tell me you can feel it too.

second year.

i do believe.

help me overcome my disbelief.

ahh, second year.

so the adventure statrs. no electricity, no hot water, no internet, no food, living out of boxes.

great.

people always leave.

forever is such a long time, if you think about it.
the term scares a lot of people.
it scares me even more.
at the time forever didn't feel so scary or far away.
but now, it's a whole different story.

i hate leaving good things behind, especially when i am so uncertain of what comes next.
look how it turned out last time...
can you understand my fear?

leave the memories alone.

And if asked, i really wouldn't know what to say. I think i was fine before i met you, sure there were a few things here and there, but i was always okay on my own. But you, you just came and changed everything. I'm okay now, there's no question in that. But there is this piece of me missing that i know only you have, and i desperately want it back.

"You think you know what you want. You have a picture in your head.
A pleasant noise in the background.
But what you're really looking at, is a stepping stone. A point in a time.
Because once that picture becomes real, you can see new things.
A new picture emerges. A new point. Just a little bit further away.
And so you find yourself wanting this new, better picture.
There is nothing wrong with this."

inspiration.

I love when we sit in the car and just ramble on these bullshit ideas that come out of our head and try to make sense of the way life moves around us. I guess there's not really any words to describe that, or the way we are, or that feeling. I love those two so much. We sit in a time of awkward transition between our summer from hell ending and even more uncertainty awaiting us in the new school year. My hope is we can find happiness before its over and see how good of a summer we really had. I also want great things find their way into our lives with this new year, because they really deserve it.

"You won't see the greatest moments of your life for what they are until they've already passed.
It's being able to look back at them for what they were, and are, that makes them great."

nothing compares.

"Remember when we used to fight over whose music we’d listen to in the car?
I was too this and you were too that. And so we compromised and sat in the silence.
I haven’t heard that in a while. "

Today i realized scars heal. I also realized scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.We all have scars that tell different stories. We all are given opportunities to redeem and work through the past. You were apart of that past when i went way off course.
But i know you'll also be here for the future to lead me.
Thank you for that.

everything out of place.

Life has this funny way of always moving on even when every part of my tired heart wants it not to. No, this is not okay. This really sucks.

A very big part of me would like to leave and not come back.
My heart is already half way across the world, just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

free.

Yesterday i was brought back to a place that i thought would be difficult for me to face. It's funny how sights, colours and smells can be stronger than a memory, just one glimpse and it takes you totally back. I was terrified to go back and remember, memories are one thing, but being there again is another. All the pain i had anticipated left the second i walked in the room. There was no pain, no regret, no bitterness. All that, that bullshit emotional stuff was stripped away, and i was free-d. And happy. Sometimes i forget how just how strong i am. I need to stop thinking of myself as weak.

"I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days have their sunsets. "

next year.

She says she's excited, and i say i am too, but we both know we are both half lying. We have no idea what this year will hold. I tell her she is what gives me hope for this year. She reads my mind when she says that we both have no idea if this is where we should be, but all that matters is that we're there and we have each other. There are going to be days we will break down crying, but we can make it through. We laugh now even if we may not laugh then, but we know somewhere within ourselves that it really will be okay.

It's hard to do this day by day thing, always waiting and never knowing whats coming next. It's intense, and all too real to handle. Sometimes it feels like your whole heart is being ripped out and held suspended in the air, waiting for anyone to just come around and create a home for it. I get that it scares you, believe me it scares me too. But i need you to help me face my fear. We can avoid it together or we can conquer it together. I think we could find something great if we just fought it, you know, tooth and nail. We'll stare it in the eye until life realizes that we're too strong for that kind of thing. I can almost see the end now, like the morning glow, the sun on the horizon. There's something great just beyond what we can see. I need you to trust me on this one.

"And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh and if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black."

get up.

At work the other day i got in trouble, because at the bottom of our bills it says "tell us how we did!" and you fill out this lameee survey online, and this person filled it out on me. However, this customer apparently didn't like me.. at all.. and my boss called me into her office expressing concerns about my "attitude" at work, and my lack of "care". This customer said i gave them attitude, and i turned them off the idea of ever eating at the restaurant again. I kind of laughed because i don't really give attitude to people i don't know. Whatever. I worked that shift completley devastated and not attitude-ish. You see this summer has been some of the hardest four months in my life. I work two jobs and every day it's a struggle to get up and get on my feet, especially when your shifts are 9am to 10pm. There's no one around to tell me how proud of me they are, my parents are acorss the country, and i never get any verbal affirmation and that's what i need. The only feed back i get is from some customer who filled out an awful (yet probably honest) report on me. I almost quit that day... but instead i just walked around feeling extremly sorry for myself.
But then i realized just how pathetic i was being. Dear self, get the HELL UP and stop with the pity parties. I realize that there are two types of people in life: people that make life happen, and people that let life happen to them. I can't say for sure which one is better, but once in a while you have to take action and make things happen. There are those who sit around and list off reasons why their life sucks, and then there are those who take action and are able to right the wrongs. Or at least, find redemption. There is freedom, there is beauty, there is life!, beyond these pathetic pit falls of life. Where does it all begin? We're always looking so inward when really we should be looking outward. When you start to notice the other six billion people that live around you, your problems tend to start to look very insignificant.

"I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me." "They will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will [replied], 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'-matthew 25.

you just know.

"How do you know when you should go after someone?" he asked me. "I mean, is there a certain number of weeks or months you should wait? Is there a rule to this kind of thing? Not like the three day rule, man if it was only a three day rule i think we'd have broken lovers making heart wrenching confessions on our door step everyday. But legitimately, how long do you have to wait before you know that she's the one and that letting her go was a mistake? I know this already, i know this with every part of matter that is within me. But how do you know when to finally act on this, and get in your car, and drive the five hour drive to her house and tell her that she shouldn't date that guy because if she stepped back for one second she'd realize that I'm the only guy she was ever meant to be with. And how do i know that she will believe me when i tell her this. What if she turns around and slaps my face and walks away. What if she doesn't feel this way?"
I thought for a long time on how to answer this, but i realized this was not something i knew much about, let alone held the answer to. I believe that if you love someone you should tell them, and that when your heart knows things, you should also let your head know, becuase sometimes your head stops thinking. Your head doesn't always understand, your head leads you in paths guided by fear and reality, but your heart... your heart takes you to the best but sometimes most painful places in life. How do you know when you've found that person? And how do you let them know? And what if you are wrong to tell them you love them, what if your just meant to let them go. What if you screwed it all up?
I thought back to my past, and all that i thought i had let go, but i guess i will carry with me for some time. I looked at him and knew exactly what to say. "If you love her, you love her, there's no denying that. But before you take that leap, you have to make sure that this is not something you will regret next month, next year, or even ten years down the road. Picture your life without her, picture being 40 years old with a family wife and dream house, if you can't picture that without her than you'll know. What you say to her will have everlasting effects. It will affect your tommrow, and everyday after that. Make sure there are no girls that you left things undone with in your past. Take time to clear you past histories and clear any future girls from your possibilites. Make sure you know who you are, and you know exactly what you want in life. You can't start something and end it just as easily. Make sure you're not leaving after you tell her this. Be there for her, be by her side, be that person to hold not only her hand, but her heart too. And when you have her heart protect it like hell. It's the most valuable possesion you will ever own. Fight for her, make sacrfices for her, be a better man for her, love her, be honest with her, never regret anything you do with her. And just stay true to your word. And if you can't do that then i don't think your ready. There's too many broken hearts in this world, don't go break another becuase at one point in time you thought she was the one but it turned out she wasn't. You don't need to lay claims on people. If she's meant to be, she'll be yours in time. You don't have to have her right and not let anything else touch her. You'd suffocate her that way. Let her go. Focus on yourself and your dreams and carrer and life, and it time it will just come to you. And you know how you will know? You won't have to ask anyone... you will just know."

You have my attention.

"Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. but somehow i hear your song resound a little bit softer each day, and from my tired heart a little bit farther away.
You have my attention. Like you've had all the while. Since that first day when you made my heart smile with loving eyes and tired sighs that followed, you have my attention, like you shout through the empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper...
I'll hear a sermon."
-you have my attention by copeland

take it all.

There are some days that i can't help but get so frustrated with everything. Today was one of those. I don't know why, or even how i can get like this, but i just do and it all hits me at once, and suddenly i'm swept under this suffocating wave of anger. It's not that i'm an angry person, or even a bitter one. My middle name, Joy, is always a prominent part of my character. But I just look around me and i see so much that i want to change and i know that it's not my responsibility, but i can't help it. I hate how she's so judgmental, and i hate how he just doesn't think, i hate how she just pushes everyone away, and i hate how he's so selfish, i hate how she doesn't realise the effect her words have on people, and i hate the way he fails to see how he hurts people. I hate how she is so stubborn, and i hate how he thinks he's the shit. I hate how they are so wraped up in their own world to notice anyone else, i hate how they don't care about anyone but themselves, i hate how they lie to get what they want, and i hate how they can get so fake.

I can keep listing off all these things in my head of things that i don't like about people, but the worst part is at the end when i realise i can see every single one of these un-desireable traits within my own character. It's a painfull reminder of how far i still have left to go. Change does not come easy...

welcome to wherever you areee.

/ / / / /

For the first time in a long time i am content with exactly where i am. With who i am. And where i am going. this is big.
this is going to be amazing.

"He said something that didn't mean as much then

as it does now. He told me that things happen in life
that you can't stop, but it wasn't a reason to shut out
the world. I realize that I have been so afraid of the
bad things that I missed out on the good, you know?
I didn't want to come back here, but I'm really glad that I did.
I have forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends...
really lucky to have this place and each other.
There's a part of me that would like to stay here forever."

reason.

"You will show me the path that leads to life" psalm16. I have to trust that there is a greater plan for my life, and that there is purpose in continuing education at university, even if every part of me doesn't want to go back. My life starts over, first semester of second year. These hand's are yours God. Teach them to serve. This heart is yours. Teach it to chase after You. Teach it to love.

"This is your life, right now.

It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

summsummmaa

It's 2am and after laughing our asses off we realize we can't sleep. Forgetting the fact that we work early the next day, we run down to the kitchen and grab popcorn and gold fish, supplies that keep us awake for hours longer. We lie sprawled out across the bed, our favorite songs playing, looking at pictures from our past summers together and reminiscing. Our hearts are heavy, but our spirits are light. We stupidly decide to text the boys that make and break our hearts, and we get mad together when we both get no reply. We get all philosophical and talk about how our lives should be, or how things could have been had we've done things differently. But in the end i realize there is no place i would rather be than sitting on that bed, making fun of our ex's, eating empty calories and acting like we're eight years old. This is our summer. Our houses with no parents, our cars running on empty, our jobs with endless hours, our wasted bank accounts, our memories. it's like it belongs all to us.

"i will never know the right way to say thanks for all these nights and days spent hanging out, but that's what this is all about. and i, i am not into, the idea of living without you. No, i am not into that idea"

roadtrip.

it's those long rides in your car, with a couple best friends and a handful of intention. it's the wind that whips through your hair, and the way the sun shines in through the sun roof window breaking down all the boundaries of the day. It's the promise of adventure that a tank full of gas holds, and the circled destinations on our map that expectantly await our arrival. It's when that perfect song escapes through the car speakers, it's when the dashboard becomes our drumset as we keep time with our hands, it's when the base rattles the whole car making it hard to see out the rear view mirror, it's when we tilt our heads back and scream along. .. its infinite. its perfection in our teenage world.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

hey unloving..

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

I have so much trouble with this upsidedown kingdom, this counter-culture, that the bible teaches. I try so hard to do good but i end up doing wrong, i try so hard to love but i end up hating, i try so hard to forgive but i end up holding grudges. But i read these Words, these words that contradict everything that i've been taught by society, and it's like i can see this truth emerging. The life i'm striving after isn't the life i was meant to live. You see that's the problem, i do it all on my own. I try to live and find my own answers and my own direction in my own life. But what if there was real life out there, one with real ansewers and real truths, and I just need to lose this selfish life first in order to find it. I've already been shown I can't do it on my own.

'hey unfaithfull i will teach you, to be stronger
hey un loving,
i will love you" -underoath.

everything works in your arms.

My best friend is back in town for a week. I forgot what it was like having her around. After i left her house tonight to finally come back home, i just sat there and realized how legitimately happy i am with life. It just kind of all hit me at once, you know, the over whelming feeling of being perfectly content. Moments like that are rare and fleeting sometimes. But this was just what i needed. I forgot how she just makes everything seem that much better. She makes life come alive.

/ / / /

it's not that i'm weak. And no, it's not that i'm holding on. It's just those little things you know? You let go of someone and you think and know that your okay, but then you find an old photo, or note, or you turn over the bottom of your shoe which has permanent marker all over it because they drew it there and then it hits you. It's those small reminders that get you all the time when your not looking for any reminders whatsoever. He was was there when my grandma died in the spring, he was the one to hug me and talk about it. At Christmas my aunt got me a picture frame of my grandma in it, that said I love you. It was sad to see this and it just reminded me how this was our first Christmas without her. It was hard to understand. I went to his house later that night and it was only him who was able to cheer me up. It was like i didn't even need words, he just made things better. I see that picture frame and I feel the sorrow but i think also of how he had the tenancy to make everything better. I see it everyday and sometimes i'm tempted to move it or turn it face down but I don't because sometimes those small reminders are what we need. We need to cling onto the hope that there will always be someone out there who can fix things. I mean i can fix things myself, but it was as simple as that, things just worked in his arms.

a servant's heart

This summer i am working at a camp for intellectually disabled adults, and to say i love it would be an understatement. I love getting up for work everyday, i love the work, the guests, the camp, the co workers. Charly and i are on the maintenance team, and we often come across guests who want to help us out. They are all hilarious and i have stories about each one. My favorite is daniel. Daniel has this huge smile that could warm even the coldest heart. When we drive the golf cart he will run infront of us, and his arms just flail everywhere and he just runs and runs and laughs the whole time. He's our fearless leader. He also loves to help us when ever he can. Things like taking out the garbage, sweeping, re stocking the maitenance closet etc. The thing is, he is always so willing to help, and while charly and i complain and drag our feet, he does all with this giant smile acorss his face. His favourite sayings are "i can do it" and after completeing a task, "i did it!". Acutally that's all he really says.


Just the other day Char was having a bad day, and daniel runs up, this giant smile across his face, "i can do it!" and she said just seeing him smile made her day thaaat much better. And when we tell daneil he can't help us, he almost gets this sad face, which is a big deal becuase i mean, the guy never stops smiling. and he's like "okkkaaaaayy" and we just feel so bad, we find a job where he can help us again. I just wish i could have a heart like daniels. One that's so joyfull and willing to work. One can learn so much from intellectually disabled people. It's a shame that most of the time they are kept to the side lines, out of the big picutre of society. They have such beautiful lives and hearts, the passion some of them have for life is amazing.

"Begin to look around, see things in your world and right now, you'll find beauty in the strangest places; in backwards glances and passing faces, in familiar landscapes you've seen all your life, in the peace of the quiet, and the sky of the blue."

through painted deserts.

"All I’d wanted for so long was for someone to explain everything that had happened to me in a simple way. To label it neatly on a page: this lead to this which lead to this and this."
i want life to make some sort of sense for just once.

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and i, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? "
through painted deserts, by donald miller.

we.

it was a glimpse of something beautiful.
it was a little bit of perfection found in a broken world, it was a little bit of warmth held between between our cold hands, it was a calm we found in an awful storm. it was the sun hitting the window in the most perfect way, that we could see the frost dance. it was the redemption we found in what we had created. it was our favorite song on the radio that played as we were lost in deep conversation. It was laughter among the painful tears.
it was the smile on our faces that gave it all away.
it was the pull of our hearts that made it that way.

"when all was gold and you two touched and felt the flutter underneath your skin. You stood in glowing rooms, the light dripping from both of you, and nothing since has felt as radiant or real."

19.

I am officially legal. I finally feel like a legit adult now. It's all too wonderful but scares the hell out of me. Being this old probably means i should start acting my age. And it probably also means that my massive fear of the dark/serial killers/ etc. is now irrational and should be gotten over. There is so much to work on this year...

To accomplish on my 19th year:
-start a budget, (and acutally stick to it) and save money for once in my life
-start folding my clothes, do laundry more than once every two weeks
-work my ass off in school. Go to all classes, all tutorials, and have a study schedule for exams
-look into transferring universities for third year
-spend the next summer in a random city with a friend or two
-find a shade of blond that wont kill my hair and stick to it
-stop straightening my hair everyday
-paint my toe nails more often, get more nail polish
-get into mountain biking
-buy my own mountain bike, tent, sleeping bag, and MEC backpack
-date a black guy
-get into new bands, go to concerts more often
-write a book about my 19th year, or just document it
-get involved with the soup kitchen at school
-go to the gym regularly, and acutally use weights even if the intimidating football players are always around them .. oooh, and, stop being intimidated by people
-buy more expensive clothes/ have more of a sophsiticaed wardrobe
-keep room clean
-learn how to cook
-get my level one ski instructors
-go on a legit hardcore canoe trip
-go camping
-roadtrip to the USA
-go to a casino
-read more books
-go to church more often and get involved
-get a tattoo
-see the 2010 olympics, and ski on whistler
-go surfing
-work on managing my free time better
more to come later.

break my heart for what breaks yours

I think there a couple of people in life who you meet, and all of a sudden you get this feeling, like they are home to you. I don't mean home in where you came from, but home in where you will end up. It's like these souls hold your destiny, and with them you find your path in life. They bring out this new light from within you, and suddenly your just glowing with life, with joy, with love. Maybe that's called friendship, or maybe it's called love. I guess it can be whatever you want it to be, but i think it's something that some will never experience. I just know that when you have it... you know.

you still feel like home to me.
"We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes we hold onto things that are safe and predictable even if they are bad for us."

waiting.

It's like I'm just here spending these last two months waiting. But i'm never sure what i'm waiting for. Maybe just to go back to school, maybe for things to be normal again, maybe for change or maybe i'm just waiting for answers. I just don't know, but I know it's out there and I know I don't have it yet. There is so much uncertainty in what lies ahead of me.


I wish i could view my life as one big picture instead of the little boxes and time chapters i place everything inside. I see now as a time of transition, from one unknown to the next. But life is now! You know if you don't stop to realize these small things, life will just as easily pass you by. It's so fleeting these tiny moments. These moments spent in waiting, in anxious waiting... they should not just be simply gotten through. They should be lived. If only.

"Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it's been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied."

///

new favourite song...

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move. Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Cuase If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet and you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street...So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

-the man who can't be moved by the script

you change everything

but i am constantly reminded that we are nothing if not for the Love of God and his guidance and blessing over our lives.

damn BC.

It was a weird sight, with the boxes everywhere, the kitchen empty of furniture, the trucks in the driveway, the people around every corner. I stood where a piano used to be to catch a glimpse of the lake. Not just the lake, more like their lake.. our lake... because their house was home to so many. Their family was family to all of us. I can't explain the emotion the hung in the air, i felt like it should be one of sadness considering the circumstances, but it wasn't. It was peace that touched our hearts and the conversation, it was peace that stopped the worrying, it was peace that filled that house. And it will be peace that follows them as they leave on their journey. I am excited for the opportunity that lies before them. It was selfish of us to think we could have them all to ourselves forever... Now we're just trying to find our own way. I'll admit it feels a lot emptier, but it's all for a reason. I believe that now.

"Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit the feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can’t and you know it can’t. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you when I see you."

"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men"

breaking up by classified

"it's been a while since we last conversated, still can't believe we never made. looking back at the way it was highschool love both of us embraced it. let me take you back a bit to the place where the whole story starts, before we had a clue or even knew how hard relationships are. we were in the same class and i, used to try to make you laugh, and i tried to make her more than a friend but she was just a little hesitant. it took longer than i thought, yeah i admit it but i stayed patient...

after about a year or so, a lot of bickering and fighting came. everything we had together fell apart slow, never seemed worth the pain. more hating than there was loving, both arguing about nothing. neither one of us appolgized, i guess the two of us were too stubborn. still lived together though, though decided we should take a break. i never wanted that, i just wanted change, but that was my mistake. i never thought we would break up, i never thought i'd find another like her, but i still think if we get back together then these loose ends would become tighter.

but no way, no luck, we threw the towel in and broke up. i moved out, choked up, despressed every day i woke up. i found out she had another man, and this is when it really hit home. fuck i lost everything i had, and i aint the type who likes to be alone.

now i'm trying to move along, and i found it difficult to stay strong, but dark days always brighten up if the fight in ya keeps moving on. couple months after all of this i bumped into another girl i knew, had a couple dates in highschool, the type of girl you don't forget simply beautiful. we talked for a little bit, we took some time out and reminised, and i forgot about my dark days, she told me heart break can lead to happiness. when i was down and had no faith, she showed me everyting was ok. my soul mate, i never thought a break up could end so great. "

summersummersummer.

Maybe here is where i need to stay. I have fallen in love with my tiny hick town all over again. I love the farm fields, the ponds we swim in, the forests we bike in, the country roads we walk carelessly along. I love the love and the heart of this place. I love the serenity and the beauty.

go.

lately i've been thinking that i shouldn't go back to school next year. A few people have suggested that university is not for me, and that maybe i should find an alternate educational experience. I've been looking for a sign and listening for answers from God, but i must be very blind and deaf at the moment. Today i opened my internet explorer and there was an extra bar added onto it, it is blank, except for a tiny button that says "Go!!" So i clicked on it, but it did nothing. It's no where near the adress bar either... it's just there. Everytime i open firefox... it says "go!!" Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm looking to hard for one. I don't know. I am all too excited, where shall i go from here?
give me a word and give me a sign,
show me where to look and tell me what will i find?

freedom.

a lot of the time, the things we want most in life will not set us free.
we're always being held captive to worthless desires.

hands and feet.

" i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where you send me. "

i will go.
Father help me have faith.

bff.

As we walked along the shore of what we thought was a pond, the stars hit the water in such a way that made us believe it to be a lake of silver. But really, that's what it was to us. Because in that pond, inside the quarry, inside the gravel pit, we were brought back together again. Our laughter bounced off the surface hitting the cliffs of gravel that towered above us, followed by loud "SHHHSS" and the more laughter. No matter how much people change, or grow, i find that friendships stay the same. Somethings never change. I like to think that 30 years down the road we will still be hopping fences into private property, swimming in sketchy bodies of water, going for walks that lead to the greatest adventures, and waking up in the morning with bruised arms, scratched legs, and bug bitten necks saying, "we should do that again" .
When we walked back to our cars, arm in arm, telling stupid stories to freak eachother out, i realised that this was it. The friendships that the lonely dream of, the love that the young yearn for, yeaaahhh we got it, right there, with in the group of us. I realised that some things are just meant to be, and i can only hope that life will lead us all in the same direction. My friends are dreamers, my friends understand that life was meant to be lived, my friends love, always, my friends make life an every day adventure.. my friends are the kind that are worth holding on to.

i hate this part right here.

People don't change. They can change for a while, but they'll always go back to their old ways.

i have the best friends in the world ...

"it may seem harsh but you need to put yourself first and if the friendship is weighing you down and upsetting you that is ( bold this) not all right"

"awww well i always tell you not to stress over eerything and im gunna tell you again haha. you cant let other people be the cause of you being unhappy. just think of all the good things you have. just focus on all of the good things that YOU have instead of putting attention on how what other people have done to you. cause you cant control other people. and if you let them control you then who knows what will happen in a worst case type thing. its so easy to just let things go when you think about it. No matter how far you go you will always come across people that suck big time. its about dealing with those people and making sure they dont get the better of you, thats the key. you have people here that think your awesome so focus on that. your not always going to have the opportunity to go as far away as you can from situations. its easier to deal with what you got."

end.

I love the still of the early morning. I love to wake up to a sleeping house, the quiet wraps itself around the stillness and though i move about i hardly make a sound. I love the opportunity that a brand new day happily presents you with. I sit in the still peace before the chaos of a normal work day starts, and it's that moment that i get up for every day. It's that moment taken out of normal life that lets you step away and find happiness, if only for a fleeting moment. It mornings like these that remind me of a happier time in my life that though it is now gone, still holds my fondest memories.
I used to look at every incident in my life as stepping stones that would one day lead me to something great. I never knew what would greet me at the end of the path, but when i met you i thanked God for ever moment of my previous life that led me to you. Everything between us, It felt perfect. And through difficult times we came to be, our timing could not have been worse, but we always somehow made it work. I can still remember one specific morning spent with you... trying to wake you up untill you refused to get up and pulled me onto you where i dozed in and out of some wonderfull dream. I still can't believe that we never made it but I realize now that you were another one of those stepping stones along my journey. But to this day i still wonder why some fate would have made our paths cross. What force pulled us so painfully together only to break us apart again. Some act of god? or maybe it was pure chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because maybe it was never supposed to happen.

But i will let it rest peacefully in my memory, for now. Maybe someday we will come full circle again, and we'll be the good friends we were before. But i also know my journey is no where near the ending. I know there will be plenty of more mornings like that to come, spent alone or spent in the arms of the person you like. Wherever they may be, and whoever they may be with, i am thankful for the hope brought by every morning sunrise.

"I've been thinking about you constantly since I left,
wondering why the journey I'm on seemed
to have led through you. I know my journey's not
over yet, and that life is a winding path,
but I can only hope it somehow circles back
to the place I belong. That's how I think of it now."

love

Love was never about that sort of thing... you know, the feelings, the helplessness, the can't sleep can't eat type thing. Rather, Love is a bloody naked man nailed to a cross for a crime He did not commit. Love is his children constantly betraying him, but they are always welcomed back.

"But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace. Cause I can't help but love you."

storyyyy.

We sit in silence on this roof top, the darkness bearing down on our dimly lit souls. All good night time scenes have stars shining brilliantly down on their main characters, but that is not the case tonight. The cool darkness and city lights chase all glimpses of stars far away from our vision.

i danlge my feet over the edge, watching new york city scury around like ants below me. Stores are starting to close, and men are heading back to their wives and children for dinner. everyone hustles around, oblivious to me and that boy sitting on the roof, miles above them, or so it feels.
"So here we are" I say, breaking the terrible silence. I don't even know why i say this, but it's the only thing i think of.

"Yup." That boy exhales, I can see his breath hanging in the air, white like smoke as the wind drifts it away from us. He turns to me and smiles, or at least i think he does, but it's too dark to tell. "I still can't believe you live here. I can't believe that this, all this is yours..."

As he says this he waves his hand around, referring to the city, as if I own it all. I sort of laugh. I don't say much, so he continues.

"Wow. And I thought that I was the one who was going to go big. Just look at you, living the dream, in New York City even. I remember back in grade school, and you had all these silly little dreams, and now their reality."
"Silly little dreams?" I ask. "You know this should be me," he whispers. I nod. I feel like a mute, but I have nothing to say to him. "You have it all," he tells me, "got it all" .

I laugh at this statement. "You really think so?" He nods, "honestly, what more could anyone want!" Just as he says this i know the answer. I start to get all cold, the type of cold that really has nothing to do with the temperature, but everything to do with "what more anyone could want." And i know he knows the answer to this questions before he asks it.

I search for his gaze in the dark, but i can barely hold as i ask my next question. "Why?" My dreadful question hung in the silence thick with grief and longing. I am crying now as i say this. "Why did you just leave. After all these years... You couldn't have thought to talk to me, call me, leave a note? I come home from work one day to find out you were half way across the world? What kind of bullshit move is that?"

That boy sits there quiet, without a word for so long, that I start wondering if i have gone deaf, and that maybe he is talking on and on to me, but i just can't hear him. I look at his lips and they are not moving, which is a good sign. He just sits there staring out across the city, and I start to feel anxious while i watch him and his nothingness.

" I ... I can't explain it.. I needed change. I was waiting for something to happen but it never did. I had to leave. I was hoping you'd understand." I can't read the expression on his face as he says this, i can't tell if he's sorry or if he regrets it, or if he's wondering why i am finally asking him why he left.

"I had so many dreams for us," I tell him. "I had so many plans... we were going to have the life that couples talk about and kids fantasize about..." He smiles, "You got it though, didn't you. Safe to say we're all pretty jealous of you, i could list off many reasons why."

"But i didn't get you. And that's what i've always wanted." I stand up and try and collect myself. "Did you find it out there?"
"Find what?" he asks.
"Your change."
"No... that's why i cam back to you..."
I don't even know where the next words i say come from, but they just seemed to roll off my tounge from somewhere deep down, as if they have been stored inside of me for quite some time. "Well here is your change you've been waiting for. I am not taking you back."
I feel bad for saying it, but at the same time i know for once i made the right move. I walk down the stairs to the lobby of my apartment, leaving him alone on the roof top. For once it was me who walked away.

anxious.

i am scared to see you. i am not sure how to even act. I'm not sure i'll even see you while your home. FRIGGGG i hate uncertainty. and even worse, waiting to see how it will be.

the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

"she belonged to me," he said simply. "she was, you know, all the things i wasn't. and i was all the things she wasn't. she could paint circles around anyone; i can't even draw a straight line. she was never into sports; i've always been." he lifted his outstreched palm and curled his fingers. "her hand," he said, "it fit mine."

lessons.

When i work i have nothing really to do but think. Between rushing to the kitchen to grab more sauce and running back to the table with angry customers, i've spent many shifts in reflection. Tonight i was thinking that this year has no doubt been the toughest year of my life, but i also realized i have learnt the most from this year. And this is what i have come up with based on my experiences of the past year:

-You should listen to your parents. they are only right about 50% of the time, but their input and opinions are valuable sometimes.

-Be careful of how you present yourself. People will treat you according to the manor in which you conduct yourself. If you don't show respect your not likely to get much back. If you don't show kindness, little will be returned.

-Be aware of your actions and how others perceive them. Sometimes people misinterpret your actions, they think you have the wrong intentions, and a lot will be said behind your back.

-Most guys really just want to get into your pants. Don't believe a word a guy says to you because he's probably said it to roughly thirty other girls before you.

-Spending your days in bed watching numerous seasons of your favorite TV show is not time well spent. Life is best when it is lived... not slept through. Time is money.

-When you leave highschool there are a select few friends which you will keep closely. Make sure you hold onto some, no matter how great you new freinds are, becuase your old freinds know you and add a fresh perspective to things. They are there to warn you if you change for the worst and they are there to encourage you. You will need them more than you think.

-If your writing a paper that is supposed to be 8 pages long but is only six, add five extra endnotes to each page. This should buy you an extra page. It got me an 80%

-If your hair is bleach blonde and you want to dye it brown again, use a light brown with red tones. If not your hair will turn green. It is an awful experience.

-Getting involved with your best friend (of the opposite sex..)is the best and the worst thing. It's great while your together but awful when it ends, because you've lost your friend.

-Error is human. Forgiveness is possible and necessary no matter how hard you've been hurt. Forgetting is not always possible.

-Don't go for boys who get really drunk all the time. They are a waste of time, and are usually only funny while intoxicated.

-Brunettes are seen as girlfriend material. Blonds are the girls that guy cheat on their girlfriends with. Sad, but very true.

-No one likes girls who power trip.

-Some people just aren't worth your time. It's important to still love them and be kind, but when it comes to their opinion don't listen to it. You are who you are, don't let them change you.

-Some people's brains are so small that they find the need to constantly gossip about everyone. Stick up for your friends when this happens. And don't hold these people who gossip as close friends. The people worth holding onto are those who stick up for you, the people who aren't afraid to apologize when something goes wrong, and the people who can find other things to be interested in than people's problems.

-That being said, there are people who won't like you. So what, life goes on. Be nice but have a backbone.

-Love. Always.

-Listen to those who are hurting. Be approachable, let others speak, and really listen. Show people you care. You will need to make sacrifices for your friends sometimes, but show them their worth it.

-Just because a relationship is over doesn't mean you have to regret it. Cherish the memories, laugh off the pain, stay friends.

-Straightening your hair everyday will probably lead to extremely dead hair. Which will lead to hair falling out, which will lead to baldness, which can lead to a lot of things. Be careful.

-Confidence is KEY.

-It's always the quirky weird people that are the most fun to hangout with. Never hesitate to be yourself. Be a fool.

-Take chances. Go streaking with your friends. Pull your matresses into your residence hallway and sleep out there. Dance even if you don't know how to. Laugh a lot. Take time to enjoy the smallest of things. Do things you don't want to, participate in the silly activites. They are more fun than you think.

-Tanning and working out at the gym are good ways to stay happy during dark winter months.

-Change is a part of life but not all change is for the better. Be careful of how you change.

-Chose your friends wisely. Your friends reflect upon your judgment of character. Your friends are a reflection of the kind of person you are. But make sure to stay your own person.

-Watch your habits, they become your lifestyle.

-Spend time outside. Go for walks, runs, bike rides, enjoy the outdoors.

-Make sure your life has more meaning than endless partying. it gets dull fast. Be a person of integrity and never settle, its the only way to keep life exciting.

-Find a significant other who challenges you, who makes you uncomfertable with your place in life, and who encourages you to become a better person.

-Our greatest regrets come from missed opportunities.

-When boys hit on you and follow you around, it's creepy, not flattering.

-Never let fear hold you back.

-Surfthechannel.com often gives your computer viruses so watch out

-Life's too short to listen to bad music.

-Don't spend your money on clothes makeup and hair dye. Save up and fly somewhere. Travel, it brings perspective on life.

-Don't let yourself become fake. Value integrity in ever aspect of your life.

-When it comes down to it all, your relationship with God is the most important yet most often overlooked relationship. No matter how far you stray He will pull you back. He is faithful.

-Put Him ahead of all your dreams and your life will align eventually.

-Remember living is an adventure in itself. We always try to create adventure, but the real adventure comes when you least expect it. The process of life is the product.