bring it.

i don't know if this is the possible case of swine flu i have talking, or maybe its due to the fact i've been bed ridden all day, but as i sit here, thinking im in my last hours of my life haha, i've realized something...

i am utterly and completely happy with the way everything has turned out this year.  Don't get me wrong, this year was and still is a complete piece of shit. But i've come to see it for what it really is.

all the shitty things that have happened this year have all been for a reason. They are shaping me into the person i am going to be, the person i need to be and was created to be. it's all part of the bigger plan and scheme of things we often fail to see.

But i see it now.

and im so thankfull.

come what may.

"create in me a clean heart, oh God.

and renew a right spirit within me." 

"The sky was made so clear that sometimes, at night,

you can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns.

Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."

use somebody.

i just wanna know that i'll be remembered.

i mean there's a thousand other blondes out there, and i know that sometimes my personality can be kind of bland. But i just want you to always remember me, and who i was to you.

i just want to be somebody.

that somebody.

i'm sure you know the one. 

"There were things I knew for sure.

That I had loved, once, and was loved back.

That a person could find hope.

The sum of a mans life was not where he wound up.

But in the details that brought him there."

restless.

I wish i had a thousand words for how i am feeling.. But i don't.

I wish i had a thousand answers to the thousands of questions in my head. But i don't have that either.

It's funny. I always thought i was the exception. Never thought this sort of thing could happen to my family. But it did. And it's kind of funny how supportive some people are. And how supportive some people aren't.

But it's not funny at all really. I'm just happy becuase i am able to see that good is coming from my mom's cancer.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. -To Write Love on Her Arms

dont say a word.

The honest truth is i am completely happy with the way it all turned out. I am glad to see him go and live his dream. People keep asking me, and hardly believe my answer. No, i don't need closure, i don't need to talk about it, i'm not going to dwell on it, and yes i'm over it. The truth is, some things are better left unsaid. I like it this way. He can make what he wants out of it, and i can't make what i want out of it, and in the end we're both happy. I couldn't ask for more. The timing is a perfect ending to the beginning started last year. But i'm ready for new adventures and beginnings now, i have been for a long time. I'll miss you friend.

When they ask me what I liked best, I'll tell them it was you.

music lives.

 watch this whole video..

And through his fingertips, and through their touch to the cold ivory keys,

and through all the pain that inspires him to write music, and through the emotions that drive his soul,

and through the words that have been put so carefully to paper, and through the late nights spent teaching himself to play guitar,

and through each string he gently plays, through every note he hits,

through the warmth of the melody breaking the cold silence,

through the sound of his voice in the hallow room,

through the look of passion I see in his eyes,

through it all,

he makes the music come alive.

His music lives.

It resounds through my soul.

it heals,

it inspires,

it teaches,

it lives.

don't look back.

I would never wish for the something of the past, only because i believe that things in the past should stay in the past, and the only way to ever move is forward..

but i'd be lying if i told you i don't want those days back.

"You know that feeling?

That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place,

not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?

I want to believe that."

just breathe.

We made all these promises to become better people,

it was a time we were in control of our lives and thought we knew what the future held.

Now look at us, can you even blame them ? We're a mess.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find you’re way again."

new beginnings.

I'm no longer afraid.

I'm excited to see where i end up.

and it's so good to have you back.

thanks for reminding me that the possibilites are endless.

"Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind."
 //
"we're both pretty sure but neither one can tell, 
we seem difficult, what we got is hard as hell.
a hundred thousand words could not quite explain,
so ill walk you to your car, and we can talk it out in the rainnnn"

hotel rooms.

 Note: half of what i write is real and going on in my life. Half of what i write i make up from ideas and conversations i have with people. This post is not me speaking.

After a while i got tired of living in that hotel room. You always asked me why i called it that, when really it was a tiny room in a five story condo with no evidence of ever having room service. But it was cold like a hotel room. The thermostat worked fine, my room was always a comfortable temperature, but i could not escape the chills that caressed my spine. That room had seen so many people come and go,it was like i had a two night policy, cos no guest ever stayed longer than that. I let these strange men walk through the door and i was okay with that. I never locked the door, never turned on the no vacancy sign, it was always open. They always left in the morning right before check out time, before i could wake up and see the mess they had made my life. The sheets were always colder the next morning, lingering with the memories of someone new, but someone now gone. I had nothing permanent in my room. No posters on the wall, never any food in the fridge, no pictures, nothing showing that someone actually lived there. Because no one did live there. I wasn't living in that apartment, i was dying.

It was then that i decided that i was sick of hotel rooms and finally i wanted a place i could call home. I locked the door, something i should have done months ago, and i started making it home. I re-arranged the furniture so as not to be remided of the previous way things had been. I printed off photos, hell i even hung them on my wall with little quotes underneath that spred hope throughout the room. And yes, it was my room. I unpacked, i bought groceries, i even bought a welcome mat to decorate my lonely door frame. And on the couch i draped blankets and pillows so people could stay the night, not in my bed. Everything i had known untill then was that everyone always left. But i was ready for something more permanent. I began to learn that some people do come back.

moving forword.

There's so many people i don't want to let go of, but how can you move forward when being pulled back? I'm not sure what the life i want looks like any more. It could be so many different pictures in so many different places, i just can't decide.

"it's amazing, because when you're a kid, you see the life you want.
and it never crosses your mind that it isn't going to turn out that way"