leave the memories alone.

And if asked, i really wouldn't know what to say. I think i was fine before i met you, sure there were a few things here and there, but i was always okay on my own. But you, you just came and changed everything. I'm okay now, there's no question in that. But there is this piece of me missing that i know only you have, and i desperately want it back.

"You think you know what you want. You have a picture in your head.
A pleasant noise in the background.
But what you're really looking at, is a stepping stone. A point in a time.
Because once that picture becomes real, you can see new things.
A new picture emerges. A new point. Just a little bit further away.
And so you find yourself wanting this new, better picture.
There is nothing wrong with this."

inspiration.

I love when we sit in the car and just ramble on these bullshit ideas that come out of our head and try to make sense of the way life moves around us. I guess there's not really any words to describe that, or the way we are, or that feeling. I love those two so much. We sit in a time of awkward transition between our summer from hell ending and even more uncertainty awaiting us in the new school year. My hope is we can find happiness before its over and see how good of a summer we really had. I also want great things find their way into our lives with this new year, because they really deserve it.

"You won't see the greatest moments of your life for what they are until they've already passed.
It's being able to look back at them for what they were, and are, that makes them great."

nothing compares.

"Remember when we used to fight over whose music we’d listen to in the car?
I was too this and you were too that. And so we compromised and sat in the silence.
I haven’t heard that in a while. "

Today i realized scars heal. I also realized scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.We all have scars that tell different stories. We all are given opportunities to redeem and work through the past. You were apart of that past when i went way off course.
But i know you'll also be here for the future to lead me.
Thank you for that.

everything out of place.

Life has this funny way of always moving on even when every part of my tired heart wants it not to. No, this is not okay. This really sucks.

A very big part of me would like to leave and not come back.
My heart is already half way across the world, just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

free.

Yesterday i was brought back to a place that i thought would be difficult for me to face. It's funny how sights, colours and smells can be stronger than a memory, just one glimpse and it takes you totally back. I was terrified to go back and remember, memories are one thing, but being there again is another. All the pain i had anticipated left the second i walked in the room. There was no pain, no regret, no bitterness. All that, that bullshit emotional stuff was stripped away, and i was free-d. And happy. Sometimes i forget how just how strong i am. I need to stop thinking of myself as weak.

"I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days have their sunsets. "

next year.

She says she's excited, and i say i am too, but we both know we are both half lying. We have no idea what this year will hold. I tell her she is what gives me hope for this year. She reads my mind when she says that we both have no idea if this is where we should be, but all that matters is that we're there and we have each other. There are going to be days we will break down crying, but we can make it through. We laugh now even if we may not laugh then, but we know somewhere within ourselves that it really will be okay.

It's hard to do this day by day thing, always waiting and never knowing whats coming next. It's intense, and all too real to handle. Sometimes it feels like your whole heart is being ripped out and held suspended in the air, waiting for anyone to just come around and create a home for it. I get that it scares you, believe me it scares me too. But i need you to help me face my fear. We can avoid it together or we can conquer it together. I think we could find something great if we just fought it, you know, tooth and nail. We'll stare it in the eye until life realizes that we're too strong for that kind of thing. I can almost see the end now, like the morning glow, the sun on the horizon. There's something great just beyond what we can see. I need you to trust me on this one.

"And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh and if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black."

get up.

At work the other day i got in trouble, because at the bottom of our bills it says "tell us how we did!" and you fill out this lameee survey online, and this person filled it out on me. However, this customer apparently didn't like me.. at all.. and my boss called me into her office expressing concerns about my "attitude" at work, and my lack of "care". This customer said i gave them attitude, and i turned them off the idea of ever eating at the restaurant again. I kind of laughed because i don't really give attitude to people i don't know. Whatever. I worked that shift completley devastated and not attitude-ish. You see this summer has been some of the hardest four months in my life. I work two jobs and every day it's a struggle to get up and get on my feet, especially when your shifts are 9am to 10pm. There's no one around to tell me how proud of me they are, my parents are acorss the country, and i never get any verbal affirmation and that's what i need. The only feed back i get is from some customer who filled out an awful (yet probably honest) report on me. I almost quit that day... but instead i just walked around feeling extremly sorry for myself.
But then i realized just how pathetic i was being. Dear self, get the HELL UP and stop with the pity parties. I realize that there are two types of people in life: people that make life happen, and people that let life happen to them. I can't say for sure which one is better, but once in a while you have to take action and make things happen. There are those who sit around and list off reasons why their life sucks, and then there are those who take action and are able to right the wrongs. Or at least, find redemption. There is freedom, there is beauty, there is life!, beyond these pathetic pit falls of life. Where does it all begin? We're always looking so inward when really we should be looking outward. When you start to notice the other six billion people that live around you, your problems tend to start to look very insignificant.

"I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me." "They will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will [replied], 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'-matthew 25.

you just know.

"How do you know when you should go after someone?" he asked me. "I mean, is there a certain number of weeks or months you should wait? Is there a rule to this kind of thing? Not like the three day rule, man if it was only a three day rule i think we'd have broken lovers making heart wrenching confessions on our door step everyday. But legitimately, how long do you have to wait before you know that she's the one and that letting her go was a mistake? I know this already, i know this with every part of matter that is within me. But how do you know when to finally act on this, and get in your car, and drive the five hour drive to her house and tell her that she shouldn't date that guy because if she stepped back for one second she'd realize that I'm the only guy she was ever meant to be with. And how do i know that she will believe me when i tell her this. What if she turns around and slaps my face and walks away. What if she doesn't feel this way?"
I thought for a long time on how to answer this, but i realized this was not something i knew much about, let alone held the answer to. I believe that if you love someone you should tell them, and that when your heart knows things, you should also let your head know, becuase sometimes your head stops thinking. Your head doesn't always understand, your head leads you in paths guided by fear and reality, but your heart... your heart takes you to the best but sometimes most painful places in life. How do you know when you've found that person? And how do you let them know? And what if you are wrong to tell them you love them, what if your just meant to let them go. What if you screwed it all up?
I thought back to my past, and all that i thought i had let go, but i guess i will carry with me for some time. I looked at him and knew exactly what to say. "If you love her, you love her, there's no denying that. But before you take that leap, you have to make sure that this is not something you will regret next month, next year, or even ten years down the road. Picture your life without her, picture being 40 years old with a family wife and dream house, if you can't picture that without her than you'll know. What you say to her will have everlasting effects. It will affect your tommrow, and everyday after that. Make sure there are no girls that you left things undone with in your past. Take time to clear you past histories and clear any future girls from your possibilites. Make sure you know who you are, and you know exactly what you want in life. You can't start something and end it just as easily. Make sure you're not leaving after you tell her this. Be there for her, be by her side, be that person to hold not only her hand, but her heart too. And when you have her heart protect it like hell. It's the most valuable possesion you will ever own. Fight for her, make sacrfices for her, be a better man for her, love her, be honest with her, never regret anything you do with her. And just stay true to your word. And if you can't do that then i don't think your ready. There's too many broken hearts in this world, don't go break another becuase at one point in time you thought she was the one but it turned out she wasn't. You don't need to lay claims on people. If she's meant to be, she'll be yours in time. You don't have to have her right and not let anything else touch her. You'd suffocate her that way. Let her go. Focus on yourself and your dreams and carrer and life, and it time it will just come to you. And you know how you will know? You won't have to ask anyone... you will just know."

You have my attention.

"Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. but somehow i hear your song resound a little bit softer each day, and from my tired heart a little bit farther away.
You have my attention. Like you've had all the while. Since that first day when you made my heart smile with loving eyes and tired sighs that followed, you have my attention, like you shout through the empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper...
I'll hear a sermon."
-you have my attention by copeland

take it all.

There are some days that i can't help but get so frustrated with everything. Today was one of those. I don't know why, or even how i can get like this, but i just do and it all hits me at once, and suddenly i'm swept under this suffocating wave of anger. It's not that i'm an angry person, or even a bitter one. My middle name, Joy, is always a prominent part of my character. But I just look around me and i see so much that i want to change and i know that it's not my responsibility, but i can't help it. I hate how she's so judgmental, and i hate how he just doesn't think, i hate how she just pushes everyone away, and i hate how he's so selfish, i hate how she doesn't realise the effect her words have on people, and i hate the way he fails to see how he hurts people. I hate how she is so stubborn, and i hate how he thinks he's the shit. I hate how they are so wraped up in their own world to notice anyone else, i hate how they don't care about anyone but themselves, i hate how they lie to get what they want, and i hate how they can get so fake.

I can keep listing off all these things in my head of things that i don't like about people, but the worst part is at the end when i realise i can see every single one of these un-desireable traits within my own character. It's a painfull reminder of how far i still have left to go. Change does not come easy...

welcome to wherever you areee.

/ / / / /

For the first time in a long time i am content with exactly where i am. With who i am. And where i am going. this is big.
this is going to be amazing.

"He said something that didn't mean as much then

as it does now. He told me that things happen in life
that you can't stop, but it wasn't a reason to shut out
the world. I realize that I have been so afraid of the
bad things that I missed out on the good, you know?
I didn't want to come back here, but I'm really glad that I did.
I have forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends...
really lucky to have this place and each other.
There's a part of me that would like to stay here forever."