october air.

It was around this time last year. I remember the phone call and the email, the anticipation and everything you told her to tell me. I remember the feeling, words can't explain how my heart lept, and how i had a permanent smile for days. The cold weather reminds me of you, the rain and the gusting wind, the leaves that cloud the ground, everything i felt that day...

But today is a new day. And today it's raining and the wind gets mixed in with the leaves and i can hardly tell what is ground and what is air as i walk across the street. And today i hardly remember what if felt like last year. I was so young and naive. I no longer believe in words like the ones you had for me. I don't believe in most of that stuff, not because of you, but because it's easier not to. It's easier to live with your heart in your own body not in someone else's.

deafining silence.

i've been wrestling with myself for so long.
but you, you opened my eyes.
you helped me see beyond the miles of pain i thought lined my life.
and you replaced it with joy.

I stress so much. about everything,
but you, you calm the waters that flood my restless sleep.
you show me the path that leads to life,
and you help me walk along it.
"ill be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouettes dreams"

refine me through the flames.

these hands are yours, teach them to serve.

my God, i'll only ever give my all.

"i love the feeling after a good run. or the feeling when my favorite song is on full blast in the car, driving through the country air. i like when my mom makes my favorite meal. i like traveling to nowhere, getting lost, and then the best part, being found. i like being held by someone who means a lot to me, especially when i haven't seen them in awhile. We always complain there isn't enough time. or that these moments never come around enough. it's true that we never stop growing old, and we mature faster than we'd like. but time is the essence of life, and it brings change and surprise. i like watching the people i care for get older, change, become who they're suppose to be. sometimes we all wish to go back, to repeat a moment, or pause it forever. but we need change, even when we don't want it. the cards are placed and time brings us closer to our destination. all the while as we travel through.. the things we love doing, the people we share our life with, that's the destiny. we're not suppose to end up anywhere, we're suppose to make the best of this journey."

takeitback.

I see how they are, i see how they're talking, really talking again. I see how they're friends again and honestly it gives me hope that someday we will be too. I think we've got this friends thing going okay, but it's just awkward. I hope there will be a day when its not this awkward sort of what do i say / how do i act friendship, but a real legitimate one. I don't know how or even where to start to get back there though, but i need too. She needs him and in time i'll need you too. But i couldn't tell you that right now without you flipping your shit. you can't see i don't need you as en ex boyfriend. I need you in that way we were before all of it ever started. Just like how they are now. But maybe in time i will just forget about this friendship and maybe that will be a lot easier.

We used to talk. We used to talk on the phone till i'd run out of dumb things to say and you'd get bored and kick me off. Picking up the phone and calling you.. that seems like such a foreign idea to me now.

there's always a few people you don't want to do life without. and your one of them.

story.

Before it all happened he sat her down and told her that bad things will always happen to good people, no one knows why, but when these things happen you are not to push people away. Keep them close, he said, because you will need those few good people more than you have needed anyone before. But it wasn't me who pushed them away, she told me, they opended the front door and bolted out of my life faster then i could finish speaking. You don't shut people out, they shut you out, that's how it happened, she explained. She said she didn't turn her back on life, it was the other way around. She was blinded the moment life pulled the curtain over her eyes and no one dared lift it up. Too much baggage, she said, they didn't want to have anything to do with someone who acutally needed something from them. There was always a few who i thought would be there, she said, people who were so much apart of my past who knew me and my sturggle, but where were they when it happened? Not so much as a text, an email, a phone call. And then those who promised their time, their shoulder, and their open ears, never followed through. I would rather not have empty promises at a time like this, she said, it was false hope.

And it was then that i realised, she continues, that my life didn't matter. I mean it's not as if i was some psycho depressed suicidal person, but in reality one life doesn't matter. I had this moment where i was walking down the street and i slipped off the curb into the street becuase i am so damn clumsy. And it got me to thinking what would happen if there was a car there when i fell, what if i got hit. The idea almost seem relieving to me. And that scared me even more. What kind of people will let their friend walk aimlessly around town with heavy traffic and fast busses etc, with the thought of dying in her mind. What kind of people don't give enough of a shit to make sure their friend's head is in the right place. But that was a revelation in itself. The fact that if i die no one will care, yet if i live no one will care. And it was like all the frost was gone from the cold car window and i could see so perfectly. I can't keep living for people, with the thought that they should be so much apart of me. if i decide to live, if i decide to pick up my lazy ass and just get on with things, it will have to be for myself. And really that is the only reason to make decisions, or live really. For yourself. Because beyond that most people have their priorities completely backwards so why would you want to live for such screwed up people anyway?

where are you now.

And it's hard to believe, but it was not too long ago when the sun still shown and the days were long. When it was late we used to walk down these streets, and we could see every star above us, and I didn't shiver so intently under the night sky. I don't know if it's because it's fall or if it's because your not there beside me but it's just unbearably cold. We used to be alive those nights, every breath we took was like a breath of adventure and we always breathed deeper because we couldn't stop.
And when you exhaled it was so contagious, I swear I could feel life dancing on my finger tips. Your eyes were wild and your heart was always so warm, but you were always a bit too out of reach. Your walk, always a step ahead of mine, waiting for me to catch up, but I was never fast enough. Yet you always came home with me and and asked to stay longer because I think you knew it was where you belonged. I let you go like a paper plane, effortlessly and softly, a glimpse of a dream come and gone. And some days I am reminded of those nights and some nights I long for those days, but most of the time I just don't remember. I know ill lose you and find you in some other person, and I know ill lose myself just as much and find me in another too.

lucky.

i forgot to be thankful on thanksgiving.
hell. i forget to be thankful everyday.

i have soo much to be thankful for. like how do i forget that. how do i forget that i have so much love surrounding me all the time. i also need to start loving myself. because apparently i don't know how to, and i will never get anywhere in life unless i do.

"ive seen things here that, some men never see. the lucky ones, oh the lucky ones know exactly what i mean"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuwFSVb0Gis

"You can never lose yourself so much that I won't find you.
And remind you of what it felt like to be here."

death.

I'm throwing up. and we have no toilet paper left. and its almost midnight and i have 3 chapters left to read before my mid term tomorrow. I just worked a six hour shift at work. and i smell like my work uniform but i don't have time to take a shower. and my roommates are always missing and not home, and there is this bowl of custy rice sitting on my desk but i can't look at it becuase i think i might puke again. and i still haven't unpacked from the weekend. and i have no food (except for rice) becuase i've had no time to go shopping. and my mother is very sick, and i should be home taking care of my family, because that's the only place i feel really needed right now, and everyone at school seems so fake and empty, and no one takes time to listen, really listen, to what you are trying to say. and people are committing suicide because there's no one there to love them or to accept them, and hearts are breaking because people are just plain careless. and good people are wasteing away to nothing becuase they have no motivation, and good people are throwing their lives away for way to much drugs, and some people are so blinded from what's real, and some people i just can't get a long with no matter how hard we try to mend things we just can't and i've lost and freind and it sucks, and we all live with a thousand regrets, and we all have unspoken words that need to be let out, and some of us just can't feel things anymore, and i am turning into a cold hearted bitch, and half the time i just dont care anymore. and i keep going through hot flashes, but no i am not menopausal, and i'm starving but can't stomach anything, and i really need to sleep but i just can't.

sorry i needed to vent. and now i will stop being pathetic. but i really wish we had more toilet paper.

i want to be in BC.

hope.

i know i already posted this once, but i need to again.i think they are some of the most powerful words i have heard. and i need to remember that there are people left like this in the world...

"Lord, make me a channel of your peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
-st francsis of asisi

i just want to be strong.

save your heart.

i swear.

i'm legitimately done with this.

with all of this.

i'm always trying to win.
im a 19 year old girl of course i'm going to battle with this everyday.
but...
i win because i give up and i dont care anymore.
i have so many little random things that belonged to past guys scattered in my room. His hat, his necklace, his sweater, etc. They are stupid empty reminders of boys who were so insignificant they couldn't leave any valueable mark in my life except for a useless necklace. i'd rather spend months trying to earn a heart then two weeks and all i get was his sweater. i mean, that was fine for a while. but i'm tried of empty emotions.
"and you give, and they take, its love that you want, but not love that you make"

question,

i just have to ask,

where was everyone when it was all going on? were they there beside him? or did they desert him? what was going through his mind at that moment? could a kind gesture from one person have changed his mind and his decision? did they still love him like they should? did they, could they, love past the sin, and love the real person under neath it all? it's just sad.

if love conquers all, why didn't it conquer this?

whats real.

We sit on the curb, almost oblivious to the party and the people moving on around us. People stumble out of the house and step on our toes as they walked past, too drunk to see or really care. It makes me mad to see this, it makes me realize how most people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they can hardly see anyone else's.

"are you okay?" i ask her. Of course she is ok, she says, it is just some stupid boy. It sucks but shits happens and she's says she's stronger that this, and i know it's true. I tell her i hate the state of the world, how people treat eachother. But most of all i tell her how i hate guys, and how they only seek one night stands. And if that is all they think girls are good for, and that's the only way to treat them, then they are fucked. Because there is a lot more to life than physical gratification, and beneath that body there is a soul, but they would have never known that unless someone were to point it out. It's not like i'm some feminist here. I just say it how it is. And that is exactly how it is. Yet no one cares, we all just go along with it.

"that's the thing" she says to me, "i will never cry over a boy. because of what happened i now realize that there are important things in life to cry over. but boys are not one. if a boy breaks your heart you can still see him and talk to him. He is still there and alive even if he is a jackass. but when someone dies you never get to see them again. Their just gone. For good. You've lost that person forever. And that is something you can cry over. Not boys."
i realize her strength comes from knowing what's real in life.
and that's a gift and vision that not many people have.

yeah she got her own.

Things are always going to change. You have to figure out who you are apart from what surrounds you. You have to find that strength within your own soul, not someone else's.



You are not that kind of girl. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You are so much more than they could ever be.

"so here i am to take back everything you've ever taken from me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oOKMSbaVH4