streetlights.

"let me know,
do i still got time to grow?
thing aren't always set in stone, that be known let me know.
See i know my destination
but i'm just not there. "

twins.

I am tempted to hop on a plane destined for a third world country and spend the rest of my life there. I don't want to sound bitter and hopeless but the people around me are so dead. I think there's a lot of things in life we need to open up our eyes and our hearts too. Joy is my middle name, and it's supposed to be something i am meant to bring into this world. But half of my freinds don't even know what joy is. We are so blinded by materialistic values.

choose joy
always.

moving on

screw the past.
i want my friend back.

It was never about me,
it was always about You.

see.

It's so obvious and right there, i can hear the words and know where the answer lies, i can see the truth and really believe it, but half the time i am just too lazy to live it!

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all his righteousness.
and all these things shall be added unto you "

real.

If ppl were asked to describe me in one word, i would want it to be "real." I want to be real in who i am, real in my relationships with others, and real in how i live. I want to listen to people when they talk, i want to show them that they are valuable and worth time, i want to show them i care about what is going on in their lives. I dont want to backtalk people the second they walk away. I don't want to be someone i'm not, i don't one to be someone else just to fit in. I want to beknown and loved for who i am and who i am not. I want my actions to match up to my words and i want to be real in my faith.

written jan4th.

"A part of my heart left with him that tonight and I have a feeling he will always hold that part. Time can't take these kind of things away from you. They stay in that part of you , safe and untouched, even as you count the years pass. He was a lot of things to me, and his story was the main story of my year. I learnt the most from him. But i also think this story is far from over. I can't put my finger on it, but sometimes you can just tell these things. I'm not going to live my life waiting for that moment on the odd chance that distance breaks it's awful borders and we live in the same town again. No. But i will be happy for what we had, becuase only few get that chance."

what i've learned

you can't bring people back from the dead. you also can't erase the past. so what do you do when a friendship's gone terribly wrong and there's so much dirt in the past you begin to wonder is it even possible to move on from here? is it really possible to forget a past of broken promises and pick your feet up and really, truly, forgive and forget? And to begin again, as new people, or will past always remain part of who you are. I'm so full of regrets for messing up. And i'm in desperate need of redemption.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.
isaiah 49:19

maybe, for once it is not about me,
rather it's about what He is doing in my life.

psalm 23

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul."

bleh

change is beautiful because it keeps perspective.
it is also awful because it destroys wonderful things.

everything is life has two sides, it's allllll bittersweet. i just want to be known and loved. is that really too much to ask? Life is an adventure, yes, life is fun alone because you have no limits, i like the feeling of knowing it's me, and only me, i like feeling that sort of invincible courage. I can do anything. (well, not really but almost.)

but happiness seems like it's only real if it is shared.
i would like a heart to warm my own and travel with me along the journey so that at the end of it all i will have someone to account for the laughter the memories the trials the journeys the rough patches the conquering... of life.

change

we live in a world that's lost it's appreciation for small things. We live in a world that wants things to be bigger and better. we want to supersize our fries, sodas, and church buildings. But amid all the supersizing, many of us feel God doing something new, something small and subtle. This thing Jesus called the kingdom of God is emerging across the globe in the most unexpected places, a gentle whisper amid the chaos. Little people with big dreams are re imagining the world. Little movements of communities of ordinary radicals are committed to doing small thing with great love.
-Shane Claiborne

regrets.

It's been almost a year now,
was it really worth it?
I am still deciding.

why is there such a huge gap between who i am,
and who i want to (and should) be ?
it's frustrating.

bff.

This is what feels like my first summer without my best friend. I'm not stoked on the idea of not being without alexx this summer, not having her to wake up at 6am with and lie on the dock reading donald miller, not having her to tell me to stop wearing makeup and stop worrying about my hair, not having her to help me battle raccoons and mice in the middle of the night with flashlights, not having her to pull me out of the lake when the rock is too slippery and we're skinny dipping. Just kidding, that was alexx who got stuck :)

No one compares. I miss you.

perfect.

I hate how the people in life you love most are the ones that will hurt you most. I am ready for real life to begin where i am above drama, gossip, and petty grudges. I wish i could forgive and forget but it's always easier said than done! I am flawed, but isn't everyone? I'm only 18, i shouldn't have to be "perfect" for anyone. I'm still taking things day by day, learning something new along the way. I have no idea where i'm headed, and i like that.

summer 09

first picture of the summer :)

love.

end.

I am officially moved out of residence and back home. The last week was the hardest but also the best. I still wake up expecting to be back in my tiny overheated room of Mac House waiting for amanda to call me from the room beside me, wander into sarah and sam's room where we'll talk for an hour before finally deciding to get breakfast. etc





Goodbye First Year. You were everything i thought you would be and more. Thankyou for the memories Mac House. I'll forever miss you ..

RIP

It could have been any of us, really. It could have been my residence, my floor.. the reality of the situation hits so hard. But for some reason it had to be him, that floor, his death. There are so many unanswered questions.

I don't think you need to know someone to be affected by their death. He was a student at my university, he was a friend of a friend, he could have been anyone. But just knowing that a life was taken so young, it hurts. Just goes to show you can never to to confident in anything because it can be taken from you so easily. We live our lives thinking that we have the benefit of the future. We have tomorrow to apologize, we have next year to get serious about our school work, we have the next couple years to become the good person we should be, we have our whole lives to make right all the wrongs we have created. But really you don't.

If you died right now, would you be okay with the life you lived? Would it be a life that, if you had children, they would love and look up to you for? Would it be a life that makes your parents proud? Did you create all you wanted for yourself? Did you die the person you always wanted to be? My thoughts and prayers go to his family and friends, i can't even imagine the pain ...

Also, my grandma died last year around this time. I remember the last time we saw her, in the hospital bed ... laughing with us like always, even if she didn't know who we were anymore. Miss you. Lots.

good friday

"My Father holds me in His nailed, scarred hands. Which i put there. Yet for some reason He still loves me with all His heart..."

new beginngins.

"We should no longer seek to see the beginnings of things nor yearn to say goodbye to an end. What we need to seek is to see the vision, create, and understand the whole of who we are. The realization of the totality of who we are is the greatest gift that life gives to us. When we understand that the process we are in is not compartmentalized into beginnings and endings we find our lives becoming harmonized into the wholeness of who we are...


..By focusing on the wholeness of who we are we begin a new direction in our life. We step forth into the light and become a beacon for others to follow. Our life becomes full of wonder for it is the act of becoming whole that allows us to see with new eyes and to understand our pathway in life."

haste the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jC4N1kv5mps

end of the year

This is all ending to fast. I walk down the hallways of my residence with dread and sadness. I don't want to leave, this ghetto place is my home, my best memories have taken place here. These are the memories that will stick with me for way too long. I can't picture life outside of these bashed up walls, or without the best friends i have made. I don't even like to think of this year ending. This is my home..

the nights belong to boats and lovers.

Last summer could have been the best yet. It was everything and anything i could have asked for. Filled with boats, sunsets, skinny dipping, lovers, and best friends...
This summer however, has a strange twist. With a couple of my best friends not there, and the boy moving away, it has potential to suck. However, here's to redemption. Here's to working two jobs that may or may not kill me... But here's to my best, Charly MacCarl (and maybe rebec if she's here) and the summer of our lives that awaits us. Maybe we wont have everything we want to have this summer, but we will have eachother and thats all we need.
Here's to many more summer nights on boats, tatoos, roadtrips, our own cars, hanging out, getting super tanned, going to the gym every day, parties, concerts, spontaneity, doing all those things we want to do before we're tied down, living freely, all nighters, learning, figuring out our lives, camping, honestly this list goes on. We will live the dream this summer Charly. I promise.

get up.

Sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself, is this everything you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed for your life? And when you realize it's not, its a matter of stepping far back to see where it was that you went wrong...


Where did i go wrong? I always wanted more for my life. All this is great, i love the memories we've made this year and i wouldn't change them. But somehow i know there's still more to life.

"Oh but im so small, i can barely be seen,
how can this great love be inside of me?
Look at your eyes, their small in size,
but they see enormous things. "- mewithoutyou.

closure.

this song is so fitting to right now:
"this is the least that i can do, you know i'm bad at calling you. The best way i can extend the lonely words i miss you... i'll say it but i'm sure you knew, you're what i look most forward to, coming back to where i've been, i'll just leave it at this...

Wait for me to move out west, it's ok if you don't. i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast. i wish i stayed, i hope you wait. So here i am counting down the days till california comes..." -Playing Favourites by The Starting Line
I'll always count down the days. Even if we move on and find other people.

summer.

Sometimes i think i will never feel happiness as strong or as pure as i did that morning in late august. The morning we woke up to work in the backyard for hours, moving twigs, digging trenches for the sprinkler, and throwing bricks into the lake. We could have been out there for hours but it hardly mattered because we were all together, laughing at each other, and making stupid inside jokes that would carry on for far too long..


I remember the sun, and how bright it was that day. I remember the lake and how cool the water was as it lapped around our faces in the tube. I remember how lazy the day felt as we collapsed on the trampoline with five thousand blankets, his arms wrapped so tight around me. I remember the comfort, and the laughter, of being in a group but just talking to him. We all lied there for hours planning out our evening, feeling the potential of the night air. I remember the wind as it whipped through our hair in the car he drove too fast. I remember the rap songs that played too loudly through the speakers. I remember the change room we had shower parties in, the sauna we sat in, the house we made Kraft dinner in, the dock we always ended back on to look at the stars, the smiles on our faces, the love of the night air.

I know the future will hold many more memories, with different friends and different boys. But all i really want is that memory, with those friends, and him.

letter

i found this letter my freind wrote me before i came to school. it is exactly what i need to hear right now.

"Hey Rae, I know your scared about this year and moving away from home, but there's a few things i wanted to tell you before you go this summer. You are one of the most genuine people I've met. Your different than everyone else because your yourself, and no one can take that away from you. I want you to remember who you are right now.

You may have a hard year because your someone who sees a deeper meaning to life than others. You live for bigger things and you care for more than just yourself. Your life has significance that goes beyond alcohol and endless partying. The people around you won't understand this because it's not what their used to. Just keep your head up and stay strong. And don't let them change you. You don't need to change for anyone, ever, because who you are right now is amazing.

Promise me you will never settle for less than you deserve. Whether it be guys or friends. Your ability to be vulnerable with people is beautiful but if your not careful people will walk all over you. Guard your heart and your mind and you will be fine, you are strong and you can handle whatever is thrown your way as long as you believe. Don't listen to what people say, you know yourself and they don;t, so they dont matter.

Also remember you are so beautiful; inside and out. You have so much potential to go very far in life, i know you will change the world someday with your joyful spirit. Maybe not the whole world, but i know that all the lives you meet along your journey will be changed or influenced in someway by your life. You dream big and it will intimidate people but stay focused.

Above all else remember your purpose in being at school. Keep on living to change the world."

undone.

in the act of being yourself you are automatically put at great personal risk. How that person responds to seeing you completely undone will change how you perceive yourself, whether you realize it or not. There are people who will mock you, who will laugh in arrogance at your vulnerability. These are the people that create the deep emotional scars that never quite heal. There are also people who will love you, use you, and then leave you, and i don't mean in a physical way, rather emotionally. Perhaps these people create deeper wounds because one begins to wonder what they could have done to drive them away.

And then there are the people who can see your real self and love you in return. These are the people who validate our existence, make us feel loved and desirable as a person. These are the friends who you will let see you at your worst; the friends who stay up with you into the early hours of the morning helping you fix the problems you created. The people that reach into your lives and change it for the better. The people you cannot live without. The people that hurt to let go. These people become our home, the comfort one feels in their presence is unspeakable.

I wish i had the courage to be myself all the time. I wish i could be loved through the suffering and stupid mistakes i constantly make. I wish i wasn't so scared of what people think of me.

spring fever.

i was up at 8am this morning. Probably the earliest i've been up in a long time. But guess what, i saw the sun creep it's way across campus. and it was beautiful.
spring is in the air. i am so so soooo stoked

real

there is something missing.

i just can't put my finger on it. i felt whole for a while,

but i just can't explain it. it's gone.
bring it back. give me hope, give me joy, give me laughter.
give me something real for once
i'm tired of loving fake things
i want meaning.
i want those summer nights back we spent on the boat,
i want the days back we spent on the cottage dock.
all our days off from camp that we cottage hopped
and made the most of everything life offered us..
we were so alive. and we didn't even realize it.

beloved

There are so many voices in this world,
"You have to be someone of influence" "Your only someone if people know your name" "You have to have power to make it in life" "You have to prove your worthy"
But there is always one speaking below the others, the one i wish i would listen to more often instead of the others..
"You are beloved"
I don't have to prove myself.

...

" Lord, make me a channel of your peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen. "

Please take my life and use it

I always get somewhat tired of hearing so many people talk about the poor. Like when you can't finish your dinner, and your parents make you eat it anyway because "there are starving children in Africa.." So what, it's not like my food goes to them anyway. Regardless of if i finish my dinner or not, those poor children will still starve! So many people talk about these starving people but i also felt like they over dramatized it.

However, for my class in global studies i read this.
-over consumers = 20 % of world's population that consume 80% of world's resources
-marginals, 20% of pop live in absolute deprivation
-20% of ppl who live in richest countries get 82.7% of worlds income
-poorest 20% get 1.4% of total income
-gap btw rich and poor doubled since 1950

I have never been so disgusted with my country. We hoard wealth needlessly. I started to think more and more about this, and it is too painfully true. I go shopping with my friends every week. We throw out so much food everyday. Money is so disposable for us. We have our ipods, iphones, blackberries, laptops, expensive perfume, the list is ENDLESS. And it's all so un necessary!

What's even worse is that we live among some of the poorest people. Right in our city are hundreds of homeless that are constantly ignored by most university students. Really, how can a whole population be SO terribly blind to the poverty within their own community? This blindness is horrific... we are young, we are the future, we HAVE the power to change this. If only we could see.

So open your eyes. There are needy everywhere. If we are truely global citizens then it is our job to help out these people, regardless of where they live. They are you neighbors. What kind of a heart less nation can live in riches and watch their neighbor starve. It's just not right.

freeeeeeee.

Today i decided to never let fear hold me back. I want to travel the world. I can't reach my full potential in this city. I want to go far. Here goes everything..

"Where ever you say, help me go, i'll go,
where ever you say ...
i'll go."

right now.

" I will take a step back, and i'll let you ahead
I will take a step back and see if you come back "

it's not that easy.

on my own.

Dear Self ... you keep forgetting that this is not really who you are. You get so caught up in everything and lose your mind over the stupidist things. Please remember who you are. The kind of girl who not afraid of new things. The kind of girl who knows what she wants and goes after it. The kind of girl who has never been conventional .. the kind that wants to be so ghetto but wears dresses all the time. The kind of girl who lives simply and delights in the smallest things. The kind of girl that brings joy and loves easily. The kind that seeks adventure and is not satisfied with less that you deserve. The kind of girl who hopes. Never lose sight of that. You have everything you need right there with you. Just pick it up and live.

Free.

Yesterday i thought my life was going to end, i was ready to lock myself in a room and forget it all. Funny it turned out the opposite way. Yesterday i found faith. Yesterday i experienced hope in un imaginable ways. Yesterday i found peace back in my life. I am free. And i'm so confident in this.

Also, i don't think this is the end for us. This is just the very beginning of it all. I think we are on the verge of something amazing. I suddenly don't even care how long it takes ... I just know it.
And i know when it finds us it will be right.

I couldn't be more excited.

lights

I was walking home tonight, and as i got to an empty part of campus i couldn't help but notice the stars, and how bright they stood in the night sky. I wonder if the stars are as bright in your part of the country, or if they glow as bright as they once did over the lake where we used to skinny dip. I wonder if you even see the same constellations and star patterns that i see here. Probably not.

I wish more than a lot of things that you could be here with me, under these stars. I mean it's not like i need you or anything, i can get by on my own perfectly fine. But there's just something about what you bring into my life ...unspeakable joy, that makes it that much better.

you make the darkness dissappear,
i feel found when you stand near,
i know where i am when you are here,
my way becomes so clear.

no fear,

When you're young everyone's going to look down on you, and think your crazy for being a dreamer. You've got your whole life ahead and for some reason everyone older thinks your going to blow it, and ruin your future. What if we're not actually crazy. So what if we make rash decisions, so what if you can't keep us grounded and in focus. We're full of life, we're not going to stay still for long. So keep running. Run and don't look back. Keep searching and exploring, keep dreaming these impossible dreams, they will come true if you believe. Keep believing, keep on falling in love, never lose the passion that drives you, never lose the fire that inspires you, never lose hope.

I will go far in life. I will make a difference. I will always be a bit crazy. I will make my dreams a reality. I will always simply trust and simply love. I have so much potential, i will do great things. Dont ever try and tell me any different.

yours.

I want desperately for you to be my freind. But you are not my freind; you have slid up warmly to the man i wanted to be, the man i pretended to be. Should i show you who i am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen, like me, that you are lonely, like me. What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward eachother?

We were fools to believe we could redeem eachother. Were i some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the gardne, to counsel your timid steps, your bewilderd eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that i stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though he made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so revealing Him.

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away. I will give you this, my love, i will love you, as sure as He has loved me. And i will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tommorrow i will do so again. I supposed the clock itself will wear thin its time before i am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

-Donald Miller

Your amazing.

"I'm the person who let's fear drive. I'm the type of guy, who let's it drive. Because I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without you, I need you.
I n e e d y o u .
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now i'm found. Was blind but now i see.
I j u s t w a n t t o s e e "
-the almost

freedom.

Today i realized something. I have always taken my future for granted. Today i realized how important this future is to me, and how lucky i am to have so much potential set out before me. I am thankful for the years that lay ahead of me, and all that these years may hold. I am also thankful for:
-the opportunity to start over again; for redemption
-the opportunity to better myself
-the opportunity of many life adventures
-the opportunity to make a difference and help others
-the opportunity to love others deeply
-the opportunity to serve my God
-the opportunity to experience grace and freedom
-the opportunity to start a family later in life
-the opportunity to love and man and my children
-the opportunity of education and future work experiences
-the opportunity to discover the world, to travel, and live
-the opportunity to grow as person, never settling, always changing
-the opportunity to lead a full life; no regrets
-the opportunity to pass down my knowledge to others

The list goes on.
The possibilities are endless.
It's all too beautiful,
and all too surreal.
Thanks
ps. i am also very thankful for alexx hubert :)
for being the craziest best freind in daaa world.

amazing grace

"Be still and know that I am God"
* * *
"Where the Spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom"

quote

"Its as simple as this, he did something to me that i can not explain with words. He took me to a new place and introduced me to myself."

in your eyes

"love I get so lost, sometimes, days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. when I want to run away I drive off in my car but whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return, and the grand facade, so soon will burn without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside..

in your eyes

the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes"
-peter gabriel

feels like home,

I woke up this morning at university, and it was the worst feeling ever. I love this place, I do. But it's not my home. My home lies somewhere in the heart of a boy who just moved acorss the country for the second time ..

I'm the luckiest and he's the reason for this.

Thanks for the best memories.

"are you afraid of leave tonight?

cause i am,

I'm lost without you.. "

blink 182

american love,

"I never should have let you go, I never should have let you slip through my arms. And as the sun sets tonight, i'll hold you with all that i am. I never should have let you go,

Promise me,

you'll stay with me forever.. "

american love by haste the day

* * *

i'll never let you go.

i'll never let you slip through my arms ..

:)

DONE

Friday December 15th, 8.30 pm
This is the offical date i finished 1st semester
HECCCCCCCCCCCK YESSSSSSSSSSS
this relief is AMAZING,
hello christmas break :)

no fear,

Here's to living and never knowing what will happen next,

Even in this great uncertainty,

I'll live ..

"Give me a word, and give me a sign, show me where to look and tell me what will I find. Lay me on the ground, fly me in the sky, show me where to lookand tell me what will I find

Love is in the water, Love is in the air, show me where to go and tell me will love be there . Teach me how to speak, teach me how to share, teach me where to goand tell me will love be there"

imu.

Being back home and hanging out with everyone is the best thing ever. Except for the fact that you're not there. Friday night i kept expecting you to knock on the door, or drive up the driveway, or that i would walk into a room and there you would be, only because it just seemed so natural for you to be there with us, living the adventure. But, it never happened. This hope and longing is all to familiar.. commee hommmmmmeeee

with every breath,

"how long will you be gone?"

"Breathe baby. Forever. I love you"

Those words will forever be the hardest i have ever had to hear. I'm learning to be strong. I'm learning to be okay. I'm learning to breathe again. Becuase i know tommrow i will wake up, and somehow the sun will still rise for you and I . And somehow the days will continue their weekly cycle. And somehow weeks will find their way into months. But I know these sunrises will not pass without a thought of you guys. The days will not pass into months, and months into years without visits, emails, texts, and tears. With every breath, it wont be the same, but we'll never be too far apart. With every breath, I'll learn to be a stronger person, knowing that we once had it all. And we still do. Just in a different way. Live the adventure, embrace it. I'll miss you guys every day.

"Nobody said this life would be easy.

They just promised that it would all be worth it."

It will be worth it. I promise. It will all work out in the end.

Just be content with every breath.

i'll never let you go,

Nothing can explain this feeling,
this feeling of immense loss,
of anger, and unimagineable pain.
I know i have to be strong and supportive,
i know all things happen for a reason,
and i know life never works out
the way you want it to.
But this is just tearing me apart,
i've just lost two of my best freinds.
i can't decide what's worse,
losing someone to death,
or losing someone to distance,
having them still alive on the earth,
but knowing you'll never see them again.

"We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll smile and recall for just one moment we had it all..."

please dont ask me what i like about you,

becuase it's every little thing you do and,

that's just the way you make me feel.

And i don't think that there are any others out there like you,

and i won't blink,

becuase that means i'd miss a second beside you.

"can you handle living this life for the next three years?"
"no, but i guess i will have to .."

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry... you will someday.
- Lester Burnham from American Beauty

i've got my heart set on anywhere but here

remember,

"just remember to breath..

and everything will be okay "

undone

I've been thinking latley about how awfull it is to be human. It's impossible to go throughout life without the realtiy that yes, you will get hurt, and hurt others in the process. Guarenteed you will let people down, guarenteed they will think less of you at times. There will be times you mess up big time. There are too many times when the image of a good person you try so hard to build up will be stripped away, and you'll be left exposed and undone for everyone to criticize.

It's a difficult truth, but maybe one that should be embraced not hidden. Maybe there's beauty in the act of being so terribly honest with those around you. What if we were to stop pretending like we are all good people in control of our lives, becuase in reality life screws us all over. The fact that we are all broken, and imperfect should be shared with everyone and celebrated. I shouldn't be embarssed to admit the fact that i am already failing a class, and that i've hit bankruptcy, and yeah i've bleached my hair too many times it's almost starting to fall out. In no way do i have my life together, i have no idea where i am heading in a career path, but that's where the adventure starts, isn't it ? Life's better when your honest and open about things.

i put my music on shuffle,

and the majority of the songs that played

somehow reminded me of you ..

i thought maybe it was some sort of sign,

like, what were the chances ?

but then i realised that,

that in itself should be a sign,

half of the songs on my playlists

reminde me of you becuase

of all the time we've spent together,

with those songs playing,

like singing in our cars ..

i miss you .

back to you

Back to you,

It always comes around

Back to you

Over you,

I'm never over

There's something about you

It's just the way you move,

The way you move me

back to you - john mayer

we're on our knees,

Depending on where one derives their self worth from affects how long it will last. If one looked to one night stands, than the validation will last for a night, if one were to look to relationships, then one's confidence would last only as long as the relationship did. And i suppose one could look for their self worth in their freinds, but freinds come and go, as would your confidence. So why not look for it within a family environment? Just the same, families members are likley to let eachother down...

So then where would one look to feel loved, to be taught that they are loved and highly valuable, to gain self confidence, to learn who they are ? It would surely have to be from something inhuman, as human nature is to be broken. If you haven't figured where yet, then i hope you will someday soon.

amazing love, now what else shall i need ?

your name brings light; it's more than the air i breathe

my world was changed, when your love you gave for me

my purpose found in all that you want for me

i've found myself in you . .

feel like i could start to understand your grace

Reality has got to be the killer of love.

Honestly, it destroys even the greatest love stories.

It's awful, this reality thing.

It never lets anything work out.

Yet i know that Love and reality can co exist

becuase i see people happily married in love.

Maybe reality has a favoured few...

"... the choice of love and life is wrong; not because coldness and death are right, but because the true opposites of love are reality and truth. ..Reality is the highest human value-higher than love, higher than happiness, and that not to accept honour that high of value is to be less than human" -Samuel Hynes

You tell me to live,

Do i regret this path that i chose for myself ? No,
But i am tempted to when i think about my freinds who have life paths other than university. Those who traveled, took a year off, signed up for outdoor trips and what not. I spend my days studying, while others climb mountains. I ask you, Where is the adventure in that !

" When I'm Lost and It Seems The End
Like There's Only Certain Death
You Tell Me To Live "

uh

midterms are the most stressful things in the world,
they are a thousand times worse than highschool exams,
AND, it is impossible for one to sleep while expereincing such stress

fall term drop out for sure.
i cant wait for this to be over !

photographs and memories

you're such a big part of my life,
i wouldn't even know where to start to let go ,
to let you go would be such an awful process ..

i hang on every word you say,

Hey self, get up.

just get up.

turn on the radio,

sing way to loud,

dance around your room.

leave it all behind,

you'll never live those days again.

the only that's important is what lies ahead,

so open those green eyes,

there is a day waiting for you,

let your light shine,

don't be afraid, don't second guess yourself

don't worry what people will say

just live, just love,

you are loved.

so what else do you need ?

wake up.

bleh

i want to wake up every morning

and see the potential that each new day holds.

it's so bleak here.

city girrrrrrrrrrl.

After dinner tonight i purposley took the long way home,

detouring around a few willow trees.

I really really wanted to swing from the branches,

but apparently university students don't do those types of things,

sadly, i refrained.

I miss living in the country, this city life is not for me,

i can't thrive on this city watseland, this constant traffic,

these long landscapes filled with tall office buildings.

i can't think straight.

i long for country air, country night skys,

country roads ...

the worst part is i just met you;

yet i feel found when you're near ..