you change everything

but i am constantly reminded that we are nothing if not for the Love of God and his guidance and blessing over our lives.

damn BC.

It was a weird sight, with the boxes everywhere, the kitchen empty of furniture, the trucks in the driveway, the people around every corner. I stood where a piano used to be to catch a glimpse of the lake. Not just the lake, more like their lake.. our lake... because their house was home to so many. Their family was family to all of us. I can't explain the emotion the hung in the air, i felt like it should be one of sadness considering the circumstances, but it wasn't. It was peace that touched our hearts and the conversation, it was peace that stopped the worrying, it was peace that filled that house. And it will be peace that follows them as they leave on their journey. I am excited for the opportunity that lies before them. It was selfish of us to think we could have them all to ourselves forever... Now we're just trying to find our own way. I'll admit it feels a lot emptier, but it's all for a reason. I believe that now.

"Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit the feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can’t and you know it can’t. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you when I see you."

"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men"

breaking up by classified

"it's been a while since we last conversated, still can't believe we never made. looking back at the way it was highschool love both of us embraced it. let me take you back a bit to the place where the whole story starts, before we had a clue or even knew how hard relationships are. we were in the same class and i, used to try to make you laugh, and i tried to make her more than a friend but she was just a little hesitant. it took longer than i thought, yeah i admit it but i stayed patient...

after about a year or so, a lot of bickering and fighting came. everything we had together fell apart slow, never seemed worth the pain. more hating than there was loving, both arguing about nothing. neither one of us appolgized, i guess the two of us were too stubborn. still lived together though, though decided we should take a break. i never wanted that, i just wanted change, but that was my mistake. i never thought we would break up, i never thought i'd find another like her, but i still think if we get back together then these loose ends would become tighter.

but no way, no luck, we threw the towel in and broke up. i moved out, choked up, despressed every day i woke up. i found out she had another man, and this is when it really hit home. fuck i lost everything i had, and i aint the type who likes to be alone.

now i'm trying to move along, and i found it difficult to stay strong, but dark days always brighten up if the fight in ya keeps moving on. couple months after all of this i bumped into another girl i knew, had a couple dates in highschool, the type of girl you don't forget simply beautiful. we talked for a little bit, we took some time out and reminised, and i forgot about my dark days, she told me heart break can lead to happiness. when i was down and had no faith, she showed me everyting was ok. my soul mate, i never thought a break up could end so great. "

summersummersummer.

Maybe here is where i need to stay. I have fallen in love with my tiny hick town all over again. I love the farm fields, the ponds we swim in, the forests we bike in, the country roads we walk carelessly along. I love the love and the heart of this place. I love the serenity and the beauty.

go.

lately i've been thinking that i shouldn't go back to school next year. A few people have suggested that university is not for me, and that maybe i should find an alternate educational experience. I've been looking for a sign and listening for answers from God, but i must be very blind and deaf at the moment. Today i opened my internet explorer and there was an extra bar added onto it, it is blank, except for a tiny button that says "Go!!" So i clicked on it, but it did nothing. It's no where near the adress bar either... it's just there. Everytime i open firefox... it says "go!!" Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm looking to hard for one. I don't know. I am all too excited, where shall i go from here?
give me a word and give me a sign,
show me where to look and tell me what will i find?

freedom.

a lot of the time, the things we want most in life will not set us free.
we're always being held captive to worthless desires.

hands and feet.

" i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where you send me. "

i will go.
Father help me have faith.

bff.

As we walked along the shore of what we thought was a pond, the stars hit the water in such a way that made us believe it to be a lake of silver. But really, that's what it was to us. Because in that pond, inside the quarry, inside the gravel pit, we were brought back together again. Our laughter bounced off the surface hitting the cliffs of gravel that towered above us, followed by loud "SHHHSS" and the more laughter. No matter how much people change, or grow, i find that friendships stay the same. Somethings never change. I like to think that 30 years down the road we will still be hopping fences into private property, swimming in sketchy bodies of water, going for walks that lead to the greatest adventures, and waking up in the morning with bruised arms, scratched legs, and bug bitten necks saying, "we should do that again" .
When we walked back to our cars, arm in arm, telling stupid stories to freak eachother out, i realised that this was it. The friendships that the lonely dream of, the love that the young yearn for, yeaaahhh we got it, right there, with in the group of us. I realised that some things are just meant to be, and i can only hope that life will lead us all in the same direction. My friends are dreamers, my friends understand that life was meant to be lived, my friends love, always, my friends make life an every day adventure.. my friends are the kind that are worth holding on to.

i hate this part right here.

People don't change. They can change for a while, but they'll always go back to their old ways.

i have the best friends in the world ...

"it may seem harsh but you need to put yourself first and if the friendship is weighing you down and upsetting you that is ( bold this) not all right"

"awww well i always tell you not to stress over eerything and im gunna tell you again haha. you cant let other people be the cause of you being unhappy. just think of all the good things you have. just focus on all of the good things that YOU have instead of putting attention on how what other people have done to you. cause you cant control other people. and if you let them control you then who knows what will happen in a worst case type thing. its so easy to just let things go when you think about it. No matter how far you go you will always come across people that suck big time. its about dealing with those people and making sure they dont get the better of you, thats the key. you have people here that think your awesome so focus on that. your not always going to have the opportunity to go as far away as you can from situations. its easier to deal with what you got."

end.

I love the still of the early morning. I love to wake up to a sleeping house, the quiet wraps itself around the stillness and though i move about i hardly make a sound. I love the opportunity that a brand new day happily presents you with. I sit in the still peace before the chaos of a normal work day starts, and it's that moment that i get up for every day. It's that moment taken out of normal life that lets you step away and find happiness, if only for a fleeting moment. It mornings like these that remind me of a happier time in my life that though it is now gone, still holds my fondest memories.
I used to look at every incident in my life as stepping stones that would one day lead me to something great. I never knew what would greet me at the end of the path, but when i met you i thanked God for ever moment of my previous life that led me to you. Everything between us, It felt perfect. And through difficult times we came to be, our timing could not have been worse, but we always somehow made it work. I can still remember one specific morning spent with you... trying to wake you up untill you refused to get up and pulled me onto you where i dozed in and out of some wonderfull dream. I still can't believe that we never made it but I realize now that you were another one of those stepping stones along my journey. But to this day i still wonder why some fate would have made our paths cross. What force pulled us so painfully together only to break us apart again. Some act of god? or maybe it was pure chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because maybe it was never supposed to happen.

But i will let it rest peacefully in my memory, for now. Maybe someday we will come full circle again, and we'll be the good friends we were before. But i also know my journey is no where near the ending. I know there will be plenty of more mornings like that to come, spent alone or spent in the arms of the person you like. Wherever they may be, and whoever they may be with, i am thankful for the hope brought by every morning sunrise.

"I've been thinking about you constantly since I left,
wondering why the journey I'm on seemed
to have led through you. I know my journey's not
over yet, and that life is a winding path,
but I can only hope it somehow circles back
to the place I belong. That's how I think of it now."

love

Love was never about that sort of thing... you know, the feelings, the helplessness, the can't sleep can't eat type thing. Rather, Love is a bloody naked man nailed to a cross for a crime He did not commit. Love is his children constantly betraying him, but they are always welcomed back.

"But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace. Cause I can't help but love you."

storyyyy.

We sit in silence on this roof top, the darkness bearing down on our dimly lit souls. All good night time scenes have stars shining brilliantly down on their main characters, but that is not the case tonight. The cool darkness and city lights chase all glimpses of stars far away from our vision.

i danlge my feet over the edge, watching new york city scury around like ants below me. Stores are starting to close, and men are heading back to their wives and children for dinner. everyone hustles around, oblivious to me and that boy sitting on the roof, miles above them, or so it feels.
"So here we are" I say, breaking the terrible silence. I don't even know why i say this, but it's the only thing i think of.

"Yup." That boy exhales, I can see his breath hanging in the air, white like smoke as the wind drifts it away from us. He turns to me and smiles, or at least i think he does, but it's too dark to tell. "I still can't believe you live here. I can't believe that this, all this is yours..."

As he says this he waves his hand around, referring to the city, as if I own it all. I sort of laugh. I don't say much, so he continues.

"Wow. And I thought that I was the one who was going to go big. Just look at you, living the dream, in New York City even. I remember back in grade school, and you had all these silly little dreams, and now their reality."
"Silly little dreams?" I ask. "You know this should be me," he whispers. I nod. I feel like a mute, but I have nothing to say to him. "You have it all," he tells me, "got it all" .

I laugh at this statement. "You really think so?" He nods, "honestly, what more could anyone want!" Just as he says this i know the answer. I start to get all cold, the type of cold that really has nothing to do with the temperature, but everything to do with "what more anyone could want." And i know he knows the answer to this questions before he asks it.

I search for his gaze in the dark, but i can barely hold as i ask my next question. "Why?" My dreadful question hung in the silence thick with grief and longing. I am crying now as i say this. "Why did you just leave. After all these years... You couldn't have thought to talk to me, call me, leave a note? I come home from work one day to find out you were half way across the world? What kind of bullshit move is that?"

That boy sits there quiet, without a word for so long, that I start wondering if i have gone deaf, and that maybe he is talking on and on to me, but i just can't hear him. I look at his lips and they are not moving, which is a good sign. He just sits there staring out across the city, and I start to feel anxious while i watch him and his nothingness.

" I ... I can't explain it.. I needed change. I was waiting for something to happen but it never did. I had to leave. I was hoping you'd understand." I can't read the expression on his face as he says this, i can't tell if he's sorry or if he regrets it, or if he's wondering why i am finally asking him why he left.

"I had so many dreams for us," I tell him. "I had so many plans... we were going to have the life that couples talk about and kids fantasize about..." He smiles, "You got it though, didn't you. Safe to say we're all pretty jealous of you, i could list off many reasons why."

"But i didn't get you. And that's what i've always wanted." I stand up and try and collect myself. "Did you find it out there?"
"Find what?" he asks.
"Your change."
"No... that's why i cam back to you..."
I don't even know where the next words i say come from, but they just seemed to roll off my tounge from somewhere deep down, as if they have been stored inside of me for quite some time. "Well here is your change you've been waiting for. I am not taking you back."
I feel bad for saying it, but at the same time i know for once i made the right move. I walk down the stairs to the lobby of my apartment, leaving him alone on the roof top. For once it was me who walked away.

anxious.

i am scared to see you. i am not sure how to even act. I'm not sure i'll even see you while your home. FRIGGGG i hate uncertainty. and even worse, waiting to see how it will be.

the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

"she belonged to me," he said simply. "she was, you know, all the things i wasn't. and i was all the things she wasn't. she could paint circles around anyone; i can't even draw a straight line. she was never into sports; i've always been." he lifted his outstreched palm and curled his fingers. "her hand," he said, "it fit mine."

lessons.

When i work i have nothing really to do but think. Between rushing to the kitchen to grab more sauce and running back to the table with angry customers, i've spent many shifts in reflection. Tonight i was thinking that this year has no doubt been the toughest year of my life, but i also realized i have learnt the most from this year. And this is what i have come up with based on my experiences of the past year:

-You should listen to your parents. they are only right about 50% of the time, but their input and opinions are valuable sometimes.

-Be careful of how you present yourself. People will treat you according to the manor in which you conduct yourself. If you don't show respect your not likely to get much back. If you don't show kindness, little will be returned.

-Be aware of your actions and how others perceive them. Sometimes people misinterpret your actions, they think you have the wrong intentions, and a lot will be said behind your back.

-Most guys really just want to get into your pants. Don't believe a word a guy says to you because he's probably said it to roughly thirty other girls before you.

-Spending your days in bed watching numerous seasons of your favorite TV show is not time well spent. Life is best when it is lived... not slept through. Time is money.

-When you leave highschool there are a select few friends which you will keep closely. Make sure you hold onto some, no matter how great you new freinds are, becuase your old freinds know you and add a fresh perspective to things. They are there to warn you if you change for the worst and they are there to encourage you. You will need them more than you think.

-If your writing a paper that is supposed to be 8 pages long but is only six, add five extra endnotes to each page. This should buy you an extra page. It got me an 80%

-If your hair is bleach blonde and you want to dye it brown again, use a light brown with red tones. If not your hair will turn green. It is an awful experience.

-Getting involved with your best friend (of the opposite sex..)is the best and the worst thing. It's great while your together but awful when it ends, because you've lost your friend.

-Error is human. Forgiveness is possible and necessary no matter how hard you've been hurt. Forgetting is not always possible.

-Don't go for boys who get really drunk all the time. They are a waste of time, and are usually only funny while intoxicated.

-Brunettes are seen as girlfriend material. Blonds are the girls that guy cheat on their girlfriends with. Sad, but very true.

-No one likes girls who power trip.

-Some people just aren't worth your time. It's important to still love them and be kind, but when it comes to their opinion don't listen to it. You are who you are, don't let them change you.

-Some people's brains are so small that they find the need to constantly gossip about everyone. Stick up for your friends when this happens. And don't hold these people who gossip as close friends. The people worth holding onto are those who stick up for you, the people who aren't afraid to apologize when something goes wrong, and the people who can find other things to be interested in than people's problems.

-That being said, there are people who won't like you. So what, life goes on. Be nice but have a backbone.

-Love. Always.

-Listen to those who are hurting. Be approachable, let others speak, and really listen. Show people you care. You will need to make sacrifices for your friends sometimes, but show them their worth it.

-Just because a relationship is over doesn't mean you have to regret it. Cherish the memories, laugh off the pain, stay friends.

-Straightening your hair everyday will probably lead to extremely dead hair. Which will lead to hair falling out, which will lead to baldness, which can lead to a lot of things. Be careful.

-Confidence is KEY.

-It's always the quirky weird people that are the most fun to hangout with. Never hesitate to be yourself. Be a fool.

-Take chances. Go streaking with your friends. Pull your matresses into your residence hallway and sleep out there. Dance even if you don't know how to. Laugh a lot. Take time to enjoy the smallest of things. Do things you don't want to, participate in the silly activites. They are more fun than you think.

-Tanning and working out at the gym are good ways to stay happy during dark winter months.

-Change is a part of life but not all change is for the better. Be careful of how you change.

-Chose your friends wisely. Your friends reflect upon your judgment of character. Your friends are a reflection of the kind of person you are. But make sure to stay your own person.

-Watch your habits, they become your lifestyle.

-Spend time outside. Go for walks, runs, bike rides, enjoy the outdoors.

-Make sure your life has more meaning than endless partying. it gets dull fast. Be a person of integrity and never settle, its the only way to keep life exciting.

-Find a significant other who challenges you, who makes you uncomfertable with your place in life, and who encourages you to become a better person.

-Our greatest regrets come from missed opportunities.

-When boys hit on you and follow you around, it's creepy, not flattering.

-Never let fear hold you back.

-Surfthechannel.com often gives your computer viruses so watch out

-Life's too short to listen to bad music.

-Don't spend your money on clothes makeup and hair dye. Save up and fly somewhere. Travel, it brings perspective on life.

-Don't let yourself become fake. Value integrity in ever aspect of your life.

-When it comes down to it all, your relationship with God is the most important yet most often overlooked relationship. No matter how far you stray He will pull you back. He is faithful.

-Put Him ahead of all your dreams and your life will align eventually.

-Remember living is an adventure in itself. We always try to create adventure, but the real adventure comes when you least expect it. The process of life is the product.

streetlights.

"let me know,
do i still got time to grow?
thing aren't always set in stone, that be known let me know.
See i know my destination
but i'm just not there. "

twins.

I am tempted to hop on a plane destined for a third world country and spend the rest of my life there. I don't want to sound bitter and hopeless but the people around me are so dead. I think there's a lot of things in life we need to open up our eyes and our hearts too. Joy is my middle name, and it's supposed to be something i am meant to bring into this world. But half of my freinds don't even know what joy is. We are so blinded by materialistic values.

choose joy
always.

moving on

screw the past.
i want my friend back.

It was never about me,
it was always about You.

see.

It's so obvious and right there, i can hear the words and know where the answer lies, i can see the truth and really believe it, but half the time i am just too lazy to live it!

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all his righteousness.
and all these things shall be added unto you "

real.

If ppl were asked to describe me in one word, i would want it to be "real." I want to be real in who i am, real in my relationships with others, and real in how i live. I want to listen to people when they talk, i want to show them that they are valuable and worth time, i want to show them i care about what is going on in their lives. I dont want to backtalk people the second they walk away. I don't want to be someone i'm not, i don't one to be someone else just to fit in. I want to beknown and loved for who i am and who i am not. I want my actions to match up to my words and i want to be real in my faith.

written jan4th.

"A part of my heart left with him that tonight and I have a feeling he will always hold that part. Time can't take these kind of things away from you. They stay in that part of you , safe and untouched, even as you count the years pass. He was a lot of things to me, and his story was the main story of my year. I learnt the most from him. But i also think this story is far from over. I can't put my finger on it, but sometimes you can just tell these things. I'm not going to live my life waiting for that moment on the odd chance that distance breaks it's awful borders and we live in the same town again. No. But i will be happy for what we had, becuase only few get that chance."

what i've learned

you can't bring people back from the dead. you also can't erase the past. so what do you do when a friendship's gone terribly wrong and there's so much dirt in the past you begin to wonder is it even possible to move on from here? is it really possible to forget a past of broken promises and pick your feet up and really, truly, forgive and forget? And to begin again, as new people, or will past always remain part of who you are. I'm so full of regrets for messing up. And i'm in desperate need of redemption.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.
isaiah 49:19

maybe, for once it is not about me,
rather it's about what He is doing in my life.

psalm 23

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul."

bleh

change is beautiful because it keeps perspective.
it is also awful because it destroys wonderful things.

everything is life has two sides, it's allllll bittersweet. i just want to be known and loved. is that really too much to ask? Life is an adventure, yes, life is fun alone because you have no limits, i like the feeling of knowing it's me, and only me, i like feeling that sort of invincible courage. I can do anything. (well, not really but almost.)

but happiness seems like it's only real if it is shared.
i would like a heart to warm my own and travel with me along the journey so that at the end of it all i will have someone to account for the laughter the memories the trials the journeys the rough patches the conquering... of life.

change

we live in a world that's lost it's appreciation for small things. We live in a world that wants things to be bigger and better. we want to supersize our fries, sodas, and church buildings. But amid all the supersizing, many of us feel God doing something new, something small and subtle. This thing Jesus called the kingdom of God is emerging across the globe in the most unexpected places, a gentle whisper amid the chaos. Little people with big dreams are re imagining the world. Little movements of communities of ordinary radicals are committed to doing small thing with great love.
-Shane Claiborne

regrets.

It's been almost a year now,
was it really worth it?
I am still deciding.

why is there such a huge gap between who i am,
and who i want to (and should) be ?
it's frustrating.

bff.

This is what feels like my first summer without my best friend. I'm not stoked on the idea of not being without alexx this summer, not having her to wake up at 6am with and lie on the dock reading donald miller, not having her to tell me to stop wearing makeup and stop worrying about my hair, not having her to help me battle raccoons and mice in the middle of the night with flashlights, not having her to pull me out of the lake when the rock is too slippery and we're skinny dipping. Just kidding, that was alexx who got stuck :)

No one compares. I miss you.

perfect.

I hate how the people in life you love most are the ones that will hurt you most. I am ready for real life to begin where i am above drama, gossip, and petty grudges. I wish i could forgive and forget but it's always easier said than done! I am flawed, but isn't everyone? I'm only 18, i shouldn't have to be "perfect" for anyone. I'm still taking things day by day, learning something new along the way. I have no idea where i'm headed, and i like that.

summer 09

first picture of the summer :)

love.

end.

I am officially moved out of residence and back home. The last week was the hardest but also the best. I still wake up expecting to be back in my tiny overheated room of Mac House waiting for amanda to call me from the room beside me, wander into sarah and sam's room where we'll talk for an hour before finally deciding to get breakfast. etc





Goodbye First Year. You were everything i thought you would be and more. Thankyou for the memories Mac House. I'll forever miss you ..

RIP

It could have been any of us, really. It could have been my residence, my floor.. the reality of the situation hits so hard. But for some reason it had to be him, that floor, his death. There are so many unanswered questions.

I don't think you need to know someone to be affected by their death. He was a student at my university, he was a friend of a friend, he could have been anyone. But just knowing that a life was taken so young, it hurts. Just goes to show you can never to to confident in anything because it can be taken from you so easily. We live our lives thinking that we have the benefit of the future. We have tomorrow to apologize, we have next year to get serious about our school work, we have the next couple years to become the good person we should be, we have our whole lives to make right all the wrongs we have created. But really you don't.

If you died right now, would you be okay with the life you lived? Would it be a life that, if you had children, they would love and look up to you for? Would it be a life that makes your parents proud? Did you create all you wanted for yourself? Did you die the person you always wanted to be? My thoughts and prayers go to his family and friends, i can't even imagine the pain ...

Also, my grandma died last year around this time. I remember the last time we saw her, in the hospital bed ... laughing with us like always, even if she didn't know who we were anymore. Miss you. Lots.

good friday

"My Father holds me in His nailed, scarred hands. Which i put there. Yet for some reason He still loves me with all His heart..."

new beginngins.

"We should no longer seek to see the beginnings of things nor yearn to say goodbye to an end. What we need to seek is to see the vision, create, and understand the whole of who we are. The realization of the totality of who we are is the greatest gift that life gives to us. When we understand that the process we are in is not compartmentalized into beginnings and endings we find our lives becoming harmonized into the wholeness of who we are...


..By focusing on the wholeness of who we are we begin a new direction in our life. We step forth into the light and become a beacon for others to follow. Our life becomes full of wonder for it is the act of becoming whole that allows us to see with new eyes and to understand our pathway in life."

haste the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jC4N1kv5mps

end of the year

This is all ending to fast. I walk down the hallways of my residence with dread and sadness. I don't want to leave, this ghetto place is my home, my best memories have taken place here. These are the memories that will stick with me for way too long. I can't picture life outside of these bashed up walls, or without the best friends i have made. I don't even like to think of this year ending. This is my home..

the nights belong to boats and lovers.

Last summer could have been the best yet. It was everything and anything i could have asked for. Filled with boats, sunsets, skinny dipping, lovers, and best friends...
This summer however, has a strange twist. With a couple of my best friends not there, and the boy moving away, it has potential to suck. However, here's to redemption. Here's to working two jobs that may or may not kill me... But here's to my best, Charly MacCarl (and maybe rebec if she's here) and the summer of our lives that awaits us. Maybe we wont have everything we want to have this summer, but we will have eachother and thats all we need.
Here's to many more summer nights on boats, tatoos, roadtrips, our own cars, hanging out, getting super tanned, going to the gym every day, parties, concerts, spontaneity, doing all those things we want to do before we're tied down, living freely, all nighters, learning, figuring out our lives, camping, honestly this list goes on. We will live the dream this summer Charly. I promise.

get up.

Sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself, is this everything you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed for your life? And when you realize it's not, its a matter of stepping far back to see where it was that you went wrong...


Where did i go wrong? I always wanted more for my life. All this is great, i love the memories we've made this year and i wouldn't change them. But somehow i know there's still more to life.

"Oh but im so small, i can barely be seen,
how can this great love be inside of me?
Look at your eyes, their small in size,
but they see enormous things. "- mewithoutyou.

closure.

this song is so fitting to right now:
"this is the least that i can do, you know i'm bad at calling you. The best way i can extend the lonely words i miss you... i'll say it but i'm sure you knew, you're what i look most forward to, coming back to where i've been, i'll just leave it at this...

Wait for me to move out west, it's ok if you don't. i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast. i wish i stayed, i hope you wait. So here i am counting down the days till california comes..." -Playing Favourites by The Starting Line
I'll always count down the days. Even if we move on and find other people.

summer.

Sometimes i think i will never feel happiness as strong or as pure as i did that morning in late august. The morning we woke up to work in the backyard for hours, moving twigs, digging trenches for the sprinkler, and throwing bricks into the lake. We could have been out there for hours but it hardly mattered because we were all together, laughing at each other, and making stupid inside jokes that would carry on for far too long..


I remember the sun, and how bright it was that day. I remember the lake and how cool the water was as it lapped around our faces in the tube. I remember how lazy the day felt as we collapsed on the trampoline with five thousand blankets, his arms wrapped so tight around me. I remember the comfort, and the laughter, of being in a group but just talking to him. We all lied there for hours planning out our evening, feeling the potential of the night air. I remember the wind as it whipped through our hair in the car he drove too fast. I remember the rap songs that played too loudly through the speakers. I remember the change room we had shower parties in, the sauna we sat in, the house we made Kraft dinner in, the dock we always ended back on to look at the stars, the smiles on our faces, the love of the night air.

I know the future will hold many more memories, with different friends and different boys. But all i really want is that memory, with those friends, and him.

letter

i found this letter my freind wrote me before i came to school. it is exactly what i need to hear right now.

"Hey Rae, I know your scared about this year and moving away from home, but there's a few things i wanted to tell you before you go this summer. You are one of the most genuine people I've met. Your different than everyone else because your yourself, and no one can take that away from you. I want you to remember who you are right now.

You may have a hard year because your someone who sees a deeper meaning to life than others. You live for bigger things and you care for more than just yourself. Your life has significance that goes beyond alcohol and endless partying. The people around you won't understand this because it's not what their used to. Just keep your head up and stay strong. And don't let them change you. You don't need to change for anyone, ever, because who you are right now is amazing.

Promise me you will never settle for less than you deserve. Whether it be guys or friends. Your ability to be vulnerable with people is beautiful but if your not careful people will walk all over you. Guard your heart and your mind and you will be fine, you are strong and you can handle whatever is thrown your way as long as you believe. Don't listen to what people say, you know yourself and they don;t, so they dont matter.

Also remember you are so beautiful; inside and out. You have so much potential to go very far in life, i know you will change the world someday with your joyful spirit. Maybe not the whole world, but i know that all the lives you meet along your journey will be changed or influenced in someway by your life. You dream big and it will intimidate people but stay focused.

Above all else remember your purpose in being at school. Keep on living to change the world."

undone.

in the act of being yourself you are automatically put at great personal risk. How that person responds to seeing you completely undone will change how you perceive yourself, whether you realize it or not. There are people who will mock you, who will laugh in arrogance at your vulnerability. These are the people that create the deep emotional scars that never quite heal. There are also people who will love you, use you, and then leave you, and i don't mean in a physical way, rather emotionally. Perhaps these people create deeper wounds because one begins to wonder what they could have done to drive them away.

And then there are the people who can see your real self and love you in return. These are the people who validate our existence, make us feel loved and desirable as a person. These are the friends who you will let see you at your worst; the friends who stay up with you into the early hours of the morning helping you fix the problems you created. The people that reach into your lives and change it for the better. The people you cannot live without. The people that hurt to let go. These people become our home, the comfort one feels in their presence is unspeakable.

I wish i had the courage to be myself all the time. I wish i could be loved through the suffering and stupid mistakes i constantly make. I wish i wasn't so scared of what people think of me.

spring fever.

i was up at 8am this morning. Probably the earliest i've been up in a long time. But guess what, i saw the sun creep it's way across campus. and it was beautiful.
spring is in the air. i am so so soooo stoked

real

there is something missing.

i just can't put my finger on it. i felt whole for a while,

but i just can't explain it. it's gone.
bring it back. give me hope, give me joy, give me laughter.
give me something real for once
i'm tired of loving fake things
i want meaning.
i want those summer nights back we spent on the boat,
i want the days back we spent on the cottage dock.
all our days off from camp that we cottage hopped
and made the most of everything life offered us..
we were so alive. and we didn't even realize it.

beloved

There are so many voices in this world,
"You have to be someone of influence" "Your only someone if people know your name" "You have to have power to make it in life" "You have to prove your worthy"
But there is always one speaking below the others, the one i wish i would listen to more often instead of the others..
"You are beloved"
I don't have to prove myself.

...

" Lord, make me a channel of your peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen. "

Please take my life and use it

I always get somewhat tired of hearing so many people talk about the poor. Like when you can't finish your dinner, and your parents make you eat it anyway because "there are starving children in Africa.." So what, it's not like my food goes to them anyway. Regardless of if i finish my dinner or not, those poor children will still starve! So many people talk about these starving people but i also felt like they over dramatized it.

However, for my class in global studies i read this.
-over consumers = 20 % of world's population that consume 80% of world's resources
-marginals, 20% of pop live in absolute deprivation
-20% of ppl who live in richest countries get 82.7% of worlds income
-poorest 20% get 1.4% of total income
-gap btw rich and poor doubled since 1950

I have never been so disgusted with my country. We hoard wealth needlessly. I started to think more and more about this, and it is too painfully true. I go shopping with my friends every week. We throw out so much food everyday. Money is so disposable for us. We have our ipods, iphones, blackberries, laptops, expensive perfume, the list is ENDLESS. And it's all so un necessary!

What's even worse is that we live among some of the poorest people. Right in our city are hundreds of homeless that are constantly ignored by most university students. Really, how can a whole population be SO terribly blind to the poverty within their own community? This blindness is horrific... we are young, we are the future, we HAVE the power to change this. If only we could see.

So open your eyes. There are needy everywhere. If we are truely global citizens then it is our job to help out these people, regardless of where they live. They are you neighbors. What kind of a heart less nation can live in riches and watch their neighbor starve. It's just not right.

freeeeeeee.

Today i decided to never let fear hold me back. I want to travel the world. I can't reach my full potential in this city. I want to go far. Here goes everything..

"Where ever you say, help me go, i'll go,
where ever you say ...
i'll go."

right now.

" I will take a step back, and i'll let you ahead
I will take a step back and see if you come back "

it's not that easy.

on my own.

Dear Self ... you keep forgetting that this is not really who you are. You get so caught up in everything and lose your mind over the stupidist things. Please remember who you are. The kind of girl who not afraid of new things. The kind of girl who knows what she wants and goes after it. The kind of girl who has never been conventional .. the kind that wants to be so ghetto but wears dresses all the time. The kind of girl who lives simply and delights in the smallest things. The kind of girl that brings joy and loves easily. The kind that seeks adventure and is not satisfied with less that you deserve. The kind of girl who hopes. Never lose sight of that. You have everything you need right there with you. Just pick it up and live.

Free.

Yesterday i thought my life was going to end, i was ready to lock myself in a room and forget it all. Funny it turned out the opposite way. Yesterday i found faith. Yesterday i experienced hope in un imaginable ways. Yesterday i found peace back in my life. I am free. And i'm so confident in this.

Also, i don't think this is the end for us. This is just the very beginning of it all. I think we are on the verge of something amazing. I suddenly don't even care how long it takes ... I just know it.
And i know when it finds us it will be right.

I couldn't be more excited.

lights

I was walking home tonight, and as i got to an empty part of campus i couldn't help but notice the stars, and how bright they stood in the night sky. I wonder if the stars are as bright in your part of the country, or if they glow as bright as they once did over the lake where we used to skinny dip. I wonder if you even see the same constellations and star patterns that i see here. Probably not.

I wish more than a lot of things that you could be here with me, under these stars. I mean it's not like i need you or anything, i can get by on my own perfectly fine. But there's just something about what you bring into my life ...unspeakable joy, that makes it that much better.

you make the darkness dissappear,
i feel found when you stand near,
i know where i am when you are here,
my way becomes so clear.

no fear,

When you're young everyone's going to look down on you, and think your crazy for being a dreamer. You've got your whole life ahead and for some reason everyone older thinks your going to blow it, and ruin your future. What if we're not actually crazy. So what if we make rash decisions, so what if you can't keep us grounded and in focus. We're full of life, we're not going to stay still for long. So keep running. Run and don't look back. Keep searching and exploring, keep dreaming these impossible dreams, they will come true if you believe. Keep believing, keep on falling in love, never lose the passion that drives you, never lose the fire that inspires you, never lose hope.

I will go far in life. I will make a difference. I will always be a bit crazy. I will make my dreams a reality. I will always simply trust and simply love. I have so much potential, i will do great things. Dont ever try and tell me any different.

yours.

I want desperately for you to be my freind. But you are not my freind; you have slid up warmly to the man i wanted to be, the man i pretended to be. Should i show you who i am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen, like me, that you are lonely, like me. What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward eachother?

We were fools to believe we could redeem eachother. Were i some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the gardne, to counsel your timid steps, your bewilderd eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that i stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though he made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so revealing Him.

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away. I will give you this, my love, i will love you, as sure as He has loved me. And i will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tommorrow i will do so again. I supposed the clock itself will wear thin its time before i am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

-Donald Miller

Your amazing.

"I'm the person who let's fear drive. I'm the type of guy, who let's it drive. Because I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without you, I need you.
I n e e d y o u .
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now i'm found. Was blind but now i see.
I j u s t w a n t t o s e e "
-the almost

freedom.

Today i realized something. I have always taken my future for granted. Today i realized how important this future is to me, and how lucky i am to have so much potential set out before me. I am thankful for the years that lay ahead of me, and all that these years may hold. I am also thankful for:
-the opportunity to start over again; for redemption
-the opportunity to better myself
-the opportunity of many life adventures
-the opportunity to make a difference and help others
-the opportunity to love others deeply
-the opportunity to serve my God
-the opportunity to experience grace and freedom
-the opportunity to start a family later in life
-the opportunity to love and man and my children
-the opportunity of education and future work experiences
-the opportunity to discover the world, to travel, and live
-the opportunity to grow as person, never settling, always changing
-the opportunity to lead a full life; no regrets
-the opportunity to pass down my knowledge to others

The list goes on.
The possibilities are endless.
It's all too beautiful,
and all too surreal.
Thanks
ps. i am also very thankful for alexx hubert :)
for being the craziest best freind in daaa world.

amazing grace

"Be still and know that I am God"
* * *
"Where the Spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom"

quote

"Its as simple as this, he did something to me that i can not explain with words. He took me to a new place and introduced me to myself."

in your eyes

"love I get so lost, sometimes, days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. when I want to run away I drive off in my car but whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return, and the grand facade, so soon will burn without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside..

in your eyes

the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes"
-peter gabriel

feels like home,

I woke up this morning at university, and it was the worst feeling ever. I love this place, I do. But it's not my home. My home lies somewhere in the heart of a boy who just moved acorss the country for the second time ..

I'm the luckiest and he's the reason for this.

Thanks for the best memories.

"are you afraid of leave tonight?

cause i am,

I'm lost without you.. "

blink 182

american love,

"I never should have let you go, I never should have let you slip through my arms. And as the sun sets tonight, i'll hold you with all that i am. I never should have let you go,

Promise me,

you'll stay with me forever.. "

american love by haste the day

* * *

i'll never let you go.

i'll never let you slip through my arms ..

:)

DONE

Friday December 15th, 8.30 pm
This is the offical date i finished 1st semester
HECCCCCCCCCCCK YESSSSSSSSSSS
this relief is AMAZING,
hello christmas break :)

no fear,

Here's to living and never knowing what will happen next,

Even in this great uncertainty,

I'll live ..

"Give me a word, and give me a sign, show me where to look and tell me what will I find. Lay me on the ground, fly me in the sky, show me where to lookand tell me what will I find

Love is in the water, Love is in the air, show me where to go and tell me will love be there . Teach me how to speak, teach me how to share, teach me where to goand tell me will love be there"

imu.

Being back home and hanging out with everyone is the best thing ever. Except for the fact that you're not there. Friday night i kept expecting you to knock on the door, or drive up the driveway, or that i would walk into a room and there you would be, only because it just seemed so natural for you to be there with us, living the adventure. But, it never happened. This hope and longing is all to familiar.. commee hommmmmmeeee