They always ask, how is university? I always just shrug, i say, oh you know. Why, they ask. I hate it, i tell them, i hate it more than anything. Why? they ask me again..

...becuase there is a life outside this city block with real people, and i want to find it. I'm sick of the smell of decay here, lives are wasted, and i refuse to be one of them. That's why.

you tell me to live.

The past sunday at church my pastor asked the question, in passing, "does the way in which you live bring life to the people around you?" He didn't elaborate much, but i think it's such a thought provoking question that, if asked by ourselves every morning, could bring a lot of changes in our daily lives. In order to bring life to the fragile barren lives around us, i think we must:
-have a servant's heart. Help people without being asked, be willing to do annoying or mundane tasks without complaining. Be willing to serve others in many ways.
-be energetic. I think a lot of people (especially students) fall victim to laziness, falling into a routine of going to class, watching tv and sleeping. If we were to be motivated, energetic, and task oriented i think that energy would be passed on to those around us. It's as simple as inviting people to go to the gym or for a run with you.
-be open and honest. I think when we're real with people and real with ourselves, a lot of respect is generated. Also people feel more comfortable around honest people who are willing to listen and who don't place judgment on everyone.
-be an example of love that is not conditional or shallow. I mean like, really love people.
-invite others along for the adventure. Live life to the fullest, and make a few good friends to help you live it out.

To you, i give my life. Not just the parts i want to. To you, i sacrifice these dreams that i hold on to. Cos your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life.

To you, i give the gifts, your love has given me. How can i hoard the treasure, that you designed for free. Because your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words, are deeper than mine, your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life. To you i give my future, as long as it may last. To you i give my presence, to you i give my past.

I guess i miss you. I will most likely miss you everyday until that day arrives. But i don't mind it much. It's not overwhelming; It's something to work and look forward to.

I think of you sometimes. When i'm sad but most of the time when i'm most happy. I still want you there to enjoy the best parts of life with me. I think and hear about how your changing and how i'm not there to watch you grow and learn and become the person you were meant to be. Your still that anchor that pulls me back to home.

four word letter

"I wrote a four word letter...with post-script in crooked lines,

"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."

And you know who I am...you held my hem as I traveled blind,

Listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,

Telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain as the handlebars crashed to the ground,

And the back wheel detached from the frame, it kept rolling, yeah,

But aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...down to the river to pray.

"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"

But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.

"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."

No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Oh, Amanda, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Mama, Nana, let's go down...down in the dirt by the river to pray."

- four word letter pt 2, mewithoutYou. 

teach me how to live.

I noticed this week/ had it pointed out to me, just how shallow i really am. I like to think i can see past looks and fake identities that most people put on, into the real person they are... but to be honest, most of my world is based on looks.I don't think i'm very shallow, not when it comes to other people but only when it comes to myself.

I have this tendancy to walk around campus and more often than not, i'll catch an "attractive" guy's eye, and then wait for the nod of approval. It's not necessarily a nod, but for lack of a better term, its that look you recieve, confirming my identity... "yeahh your attractive," is what this look tells me. So i walk around feeling good about myself and i continue this search and look for answers in the eyes of random, but goodlooking, guys around me. As i write this its so obvious how completley stupid it sounds, but it's a habit. My worry is, what will happen one day when i stop recieving these nods. What happens the day i stop getting my self indentity and confidence from complete strangers. Do i just fall apart? I'm so scared life will make me blind or knock out a couple of my teeth, or make my face all mangled from a freak car accident some day just to teach me to stop being so shallow. Life is sometimes a bitch like that. So my current new years resolution is to get over this damn shallow business.

"it is about waking up and realizing that at some point in the past we've gone to the toilet and thrown up our dreams without even realizing that society has stuck its fingers down our throat."

I slept on your side of the bed last night. I don't know why I call it that, or how it even became your side. But it just is. I slept there so I wouldn't wake up and be disappointed when I turned to the right and you weren't there beside me. Instead I was greeted by my wall, which was cold and empty, kind of like how I felt without you there. It's funny how you have so much ownership over things in my life already. I find myself always waking up at 5am because that's normally when you'd start snoring, and when I would plug your nose, and when you would wake up laughing at me. You know your such a waste of inspiration. Because with you I can feel all these things and I could write for hours about it if I allowed myself to. But I can't, and I won't.  I don't want to feel these things and then have to tell you. All I want is you back on your side of the bed.

"A guy i know named Alan went around the country asking ministry leaders questions. He went to sucessful churches and asked the pastors what they were doing, why what they were doing was working. It sounded very boring except for one visit he made to a man named Bill Bright, the president of a big ministry. Alan said he was a big man, full of life, who listened without shifting his eyes. Alan asked a few questions. I don't know what they were, but as a final question he asked Dr. Bright what Jesus meant to him. Alan said Dr. Bright could not answer the question. He said Dr. Bright just started to cry. He sat there in his big chair behind his big desk and wept.

And when Alan told that story i wondered what it was like to love Jesus that way. I wondered, quite honestly, if that Bill Bright guy was just nuts or if he really knew Jesus in a personal way, so well that he would cry at the very mention of his name. I know then that i would like to know Jesus like that, with my heart, not just my head. I felt like that would be the key to something."  -  Blue Like Jazz, by donald miller.

still be my vision.

"Be thou my vision oh lord of my heart,

not be all else to me save that thou art.

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise.

thou mine inheritance, now and always.

thou and thou only, first in my heart.

high king of heaven, my treasure thou art. "

 still be my vision.