aloneee.

"Baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,I used to live alone before I knew you. "

"What about the plans that we had. We'd been crazy not to go."

Yeah yeah. It's all for the best. And the best part is i really know it is.
You can't really stop something you never started anyway.
That's just the way it works. You can't love too much one part.
or, like.
But most of all, i love this feeling, this drive,
this freedom.
I could get lost in it.

sunday night.

You know that feeling you get, when your with someone you don't really care what your doing as long as your with them. But when their not there doing nothing beside you, it's almost as if everything stops mattering. It's as stupid as it sounds, but it's like they're life and without them you feel dead. And useless. I know that's not true, and i know it's probably a really unhealthy thing to feel. But every night's a sunday night when you're not here.

Just tell me the feeling goes away. Cos i really do not like it.

"You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence. So why do we go through all of this again? Your eyes are fluttering. A moth, flying into the same old flame again. It never ends. It takes fighting day and night to make such a good thing die."

let go.

be still and know.

"We're all lonely and scared. We all have problems. Big ones. We all love someone way too fucking much."

words fall short.

Where i used to spend my summers at camp, in the forest there is a tiny wooden chapel between clearwater site and AC. As a camper i used to love going to it, there was something so magical yet powerful about that chapel. As a staff i would spend the majority of my hours off in that chapel, still captivated by it's quiet beauty. I always thought it was the perfect size, just big enough for a man, his thoughts, and the presence of God. It had these giant windows that over looked the surrounding lake and forest, it was perfect. I can recall countless hours spent sitting on it's tiny pews, wrestling with God, but in the same time being humbled and brought to a place of peace. I wish i had a safe place like that here.


"Your grace has found me just as i am.
Empty handed by alive in your hands."

take it back.

Some days you need people, and some days you don't. Some days those people will be there for you, and some day they won't. It just sucks that the days you need them and the days their not there are always the same days

"So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell you it's all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment. One serene, beautiful moment when the world and everything in it makes sense. It's rare. And it doesn't get handed to you on a platter. "

It's kind of funny how you can lay out all your life events and see how one directly and indirectly affected the other. Like a chain of events, and butterfly flaps its wing in your life and suddenly you have a hurricane. You know how so often we do stupid things and after we think, why would i ever do that? looking back i can see why i did. And not to say it's your fault, but you taught me a lot of good and bad lessons in life. You didn't force me to do that, but what you did to me made me make that decision. It's still entirely my fault, and i can't take it back. That's the worse part.

the mess i've made.

For so long i've been looking for some sort of sign telling me i should be across some distant sea helping out orphans, or building schools, or really anything that did not involved being at university. I failed to see the significance that my life can have here, and that was a big mistake. Sometimes we ignore the place we are in life, looking for something better, but what we don't realize is that we're put where we are for a reason. And upon realizing that purpose... we can do so much with our lives.

Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades.

"That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day."

let me go.

"Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems i'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me Go.

Let me Go.

While i wait for the new year
To introduce new fears
While i'm wishing that i could be
Anywhere, but here." -calendar marks by my favourite highway

i wish i could say what is going on.
But honestly i have no idea.
i don't want this to be a waste of a year like the last.

a delicate frame, a fragile design.

So much confusion. Where do i even go from here?
"It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand."

And when you move ever so slightly, and when my skin touches your skin, and when you breathe out, that's when its magic. Its like these sparks, these little tiny sparks escape from the fire in your heart into mine. I swear on cold days I feel warm just from being around you. Tell me you can feel it too.

second year.

i do believe.

help me overcome my disbelief.

ahh, second year.

so the adventure statrs. no electricity, no hot water, no internet, no food, living out of boxes.

great.

people always leave.

forever is such a long time, if you think about it.
the term scares a lot of people.
it scares me even more.
at the time forever didn't feel so scary or far away.
but now, it's a whole different story.

i hate leaving good things behind, especially when i am so uncertain of what comes next.
look how it turned out last time...
can you understand my fear?