I made a new blog, because there were some people reading this who i don't want reading it. So if you wanna know the URL of my new blog message me or leave a comment and i'll let yaaa know. 

"Stoic faces when I think of you, And how I once believed

So now you call me, but you know I won't let you through, I've myself to decieve

So leave the memories alone, I don't want to see

The way it is, as to how it used to be

Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing

And I'll hold you here in my memory

So I find me in your garden now, A sad smile for the scene

And all the flowers that we planted now, Taken by the weeds

But in my minds eye, you know they still bloom for me, 

They stand tall there, in that summer breeze

 You'll never change.

You will, never, change. "

-fuel

Today I was freed.

Today the sun seeped through my skin,

and the wind danced in my hair.

Today I let go.

 My life started again today. 

'The brightest flame always burns the quickest.

you said you saw the sun.' 

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping they presence my light.

I think a lot of people walk around looking for reasons to be un-happy and dis content about their position in life. And if you look hard enough, these reasons sure as hell will present themselves. I woke up early Sunday morning to the sun pouring through my drapes that are actually just bath towels pinned to the window frame. I tore them down, and i opened my window. i heard birds chirping for the first time in a long time as i got ready for the day. I watched my favorite tv show before walking the 15 minute walk to church through the park and the petting zoo. We even stopped to look at the llamas and miniature donkeys. I came home and emailed the church, volunteering to work in children ministries because, with out trying to sound like a pedophile, children are my favorite to work with.  I proceeded to make lots of pink lemonade, and blared xavier rudd as i worked on my essay that is so impossible and due today. I went to bed completely happy. I don't think i really had a reason to be happy, or content. I just was. Maybe it's a matter of waking up early and making the day your own.

My new favourite TV show is "Weeds". I've finished two seasons in one week. I love the show cos it's humorous and sarcastic and you kind of fall in love with the family on the show. The main character is a single mom who's husband died and now sells weed to provide for her family. She struggles a lot with her two boys, and they just kind of do their own thing, she always fails to have control over them. And i mean it's not like she doesn't care...her main struggle is to provide for them, but she seems to fail a lot.
             I was reading through old emails when i should have been doing an essay. I ended up reading about the last year or two of my life. Reading them over, i felt like that main character. I try so hard to keep my life under control but it always spirals out of my grasp. I think i fail a lot, just like she fails her sons. I mean the two aren't really comparable but they are. Below are quotes that i took out of the emails i read. Sometimes its nice to remember were i've come from...

Somedays everything just feels pretty empty without him there to make me laugh. And she told me that when ppl are around him they get intimidated and stuff becuase well, it's him, he's like this big strong person and they try to act a certain way so that he will like them. But she was like, but you rae, you are just you, your so real and just yourself around him. and i think he loves that your able to do that. And its funny becuase you know how i say the stupidest things all the time, he just laughs, and all this stupid stuff we do together.

Can i just say? That's something that i really like about him. Like either people get me, or they don;t. and he gets me and its so wonderful. I think the best thing in life is to be "known" not like be popular, but to have people know you and understand. Like you know how they say to be loved is to be known? And , i like being known by god and i like that he is the only one who understands. but on a different level i really like be known by him as well.Its very nice

I just remember sitting there soaking wet trying to comprehend everything that she was telling me without crying . It was awful, like this moment would go under my top ten least favourite moments of life.

"i honestly CANNOT imagine how hard it is for you to be in this whole thing..because honestly.. it has taken so much out of you..and it has affected you in 180 different ways, emotionally, spiritually, and phyyyyysically.. like ACTUALLY all three.
he's taken you apart and put you back together countless times, and taken way too many things away from you, and the worst part is..is that he still isn't learning.."

I don't know, she just asked me, what do you value more: yourself or you freindship with him? it was like a cement wall, if i could pin point it to one major  turning point it was that exact moment. it just sort of changed everything, my whole outlook. I wish i could say i never looked back since then, becuase i have, but the difference is i'm stronger now.

"that actually made me so happy..because thats kind of what i was feeling this whole year..but yet again, you said the right words.. and ultimately YOU had to realize it right?"

and like it was acutally ridiculous. I just let him have it I ripped on him so hard full out yelling, and I was like “if you care about this friendship at all you will come talk to me” so he obv came with me, so we go to my room completely ripping each other apart like “your so fucking retarded” kind of statements. And then I burst out crying and go, “i am so so sorry. We can't be like this.” and he was like “ya ya its okay” but it wasn't at all.

it was so nice. he was someone new. and I was like “why do you always want to see me? I don't get this.” and he was like “i don't know your different. You actually have character. You make me laugh.” and like he'd say all these things, but I didn't buy them.. So I played it off so smoothly and I was like “whatever. I don't care.” but i think i did. As did he.

I mean im not angry or anything. I just need answers. I need to be happy again. I was in my devotional thing and i found this quote, "It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand." and that makes me feel better. Because I am not doing whats right all the time. But I am still on a path that God is leading me through. I really dont understand whats going on right now, and it feels like more than just temporary but im sure ill figure it out soon.

sunday drive.

Today was a bad day. Today I made it to the gym, but lied in bed watching tv for the remaining day light hours. Today I missed class. And you.

I got lost in the mess of life and i lost my direction for a moment. I always think of you when i lose it. But when i find it again... well you're gone.

'It feels so much worse when you expect more from somebody.'

Green eyes, blue skies, natural disasters when she cries. 

Green eyes, their mine, it's only a matter of time.

Oh if we could only treat people the way in which they deserve to be. He is so nice and respectful and that kind of person you want to find. But I am my own, I can't be re attached to anyone. I don't like that it took me this long to realize that. It's not fair at all.

dear whom ever may read this: After thinking about my previous statement i stand corrected. Cancer is, in fact, not the devil. This is because cancer can have many redeeming qualities, and there is nothing redeeming about evil.

Sometimes when things seem really dark, sometimes there is a bright light behind them. Sometimes you have to change your perspective to see it.

dear whom ever may read this: Cancer is the devil.