damn BC.

It was a weird sight, with the boxes everywhere, the kitchen empty of furniture, the trucks in the driveway, the people around every corner. I stood where a piano used to be to catch a glimpse of the lake. Not just the lake, more like their lake.. our lake... because their house was home to so many. Their family was family to all of us. I can't explain the emotion the hung in the air, i felt like it should be one of sadness considering the circumstances, but it wasn't. It was peace that touched our hearts and the conversation, it was peace that stopped the worrying, it was peace that filled that house. And it will be peace that follows them as they leave on their journey. I am excited for the opportunity that lies before them. It was selfish of us to think we could have them all to ourselves forever... Now we're just trying to find our own way. I'll admit it feels a lot emptier, but it's all for a reason. I believe that now.

"Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit the feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can’t and you know it can’t. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you when I see you."

"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men"

breaking up by classified

"it's been a while since we last conversated, still can't believe we never made. looking back at the way it was highschool love both of us embraced it. let me take you back a bit to the place where the whole story starts, before we had a clue or even knew how hard relationships are. we were in the same class and i, used to try to make you laugh, and i tried to make her more than a friend but she was just a little hesitant. it took longer than i thought, yeah i admit it but i stayed patient...

after about a year or so, a lot of bickering and fighting came. everything we had together fell apart slow, never seemed worth the pain. more hating than there was loving, both arguing about nothing. neither one of us appolgized, i guess the two of us were too stubborn. still lived together though, though decided we should take a break. i never wanted that, i just wanted change, but that was my mistake. i never thought we would break up, i never thought i'd find another like her, but i still think if we get back together then these loose ends would become tighter.

but no way, no luck, we threw the towel in and broke up. i moved out, choked up, despressed every day i woke up. i found out she had another man, and this is when it really hit home. fuck i lost everything i had, and i aint the type who likes to be alone.

now i'm trying to move along, and i found it difficult to stay strong, but dark days always brighten up if the fight in ya keeps moving on. couple months after all of this i bumped into another girl i knew, had a couple dates in highschool, the type of girl you don't forget simply beautiful. we talked for a little bit, we took some time out and reminised, and i forgot about my dark days, she told me heart break can lead to happiness. when i was down and had no faith, she showed me everyting was ok. my soul mate, i never thought a break up could end so great. "

summersummersummer.

Maybe here is where i need to stay. I have fallen in love with my tiny hick town all over again. I love the farm fields, the ponds we swim in, the forests we bike in, the country roads we walk carelessly along. I love the love and the heart of this place. I love the serenity and the beauty.

go.

lately i've been thinking that i shouldn't go back to school next year. A few people have suggested that university is not for me, and that maybe i should find an alternate educational experience. I've been looking for a sign and listening for answers from God, but i must be very blind and deaf at the moment. Today i opened my internet explorer and there was an extra bar added onto it, it is blank, except for a tiny button that says "Go!!" So i clicked on it, but it did nothing. It's no where near the adress bar either... it's just there. Everytime i open firefox... it says "go!!" Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm looking to hard for one. I don't know. I am all too excited, where shall i go from here?
give me a word and give me a sign,
show me where to look and tell me what will i find?

freedom.

a lot of the time, the things we want most in life will not set us free.
we're always being held captive to worthless desires.

hands and feet.

" i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where you send me. "

i will go.
Father help me have faith.

bff.

As we walked along the shore of what we thought was a pond, the stars hit the water in such a way that made us believe it to be a lake of silver. But really, that's what it was to us. Because in that pond, inside the quarry, inside the gravel pit, we were brought back together again. Our laughter bounced off the surface hitting the cliffs of gravel that towered above us, followed by loud "SHHHSS" and the more laughter. No matter how much people change, or grow, i find that friendships stay the same. Somethings never change. I like to think that 30 years down the road we will still be hopping fences into private property, swimming in sketchy bodies of water, going for walks that lead to the greatest adventures, and waking up in the morning with bruised arms, scratched legs, and bug bitten necks saying, "we should do that again" .
When we walked back to our cars, arm in arm, telling stupid stories to freak eachother out, i realised that this was it. The friendships that the lonely dream of, the love that the young yearn for, yeaaahhh we got it, right there, with in the group of us. I realised that some things are just meant to be, and i can only hope that life will lead us all in the same direction. My friends are dreamers, my friends understand that life was meant to be lived, my friends love, always, my friends make life an every day adventure.. my friends are the kind that are worth holding on to.

i hate this part right here.

People don't change. They can change for a while, but they'll always go back to their old ways.

i have the best friends in the world ...

"it may seem harsh but you need to put yourself first and if the friendship is weighing you down and upsetting you that is ( bold this) not all right"

"awww well i always tell you not to stress over eerything and im gunna tell you again haha. you cant let other people be the cause of you being unhappy. just think of all the good things you have. just focus on all of the good things that YOU have instead of putting attention on how what other people have done to you. cause you cant control other people. and if you let them control you then who knows what will happen in a worst case type thing. its so easy to just let things go when you think about it. No matter how far you go you will always come across people that suck big time. its about dealing with those people and making sure they dont get the better of you, thats the key. you have people here that think your awesome so focus on that. your not always going to have the opportunity to go as far away as you can from situations. its easier to deal with what you got."

end.

I love the still of the early morning. I love to wake up to a sleeping house, the quiet wraps itself around the stillness and though i move about i hardly make a sound. I love the opportunity that a brand new day happily presents you with. I sit in the still peace before the chaos of a normal work day starts, and it's that moment that i get up for every day. It's that moment taken out of normal life that lets you step away and find happiness, if only for a fleeting moment. It mornings like these that remind me of a happier time in my life that though it is now gone, still holds my fondest memories.
I used to look at every incident in my life as stepping stones that would one day lead me to something great. I never knew what would greet me at the end of the path, but when i met you i thanked God for ever moment of my previous life that led me to you. Everything between us, It felt perfect. And through difficult times we came to be, our timing could not have been worse, but we always somehow made it work. I can still remember one specific morning spent with you... trying to wake you up untill you refused to get up and pulled me onto you where i dozed in and out of some wonderfull dream. I still can't believe that we never made it but I realize now that you were another one of those stepping stones along my journey. But to this day i still wonder why some fate would have made our paths cross. What force pulled us so painfully together only to break us apart again. Some act of god? or maybe it was pure chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because maybe it was never supposed to happen.

But i will let it rest peacefully in my memory, for now. Maybe someday we will come full circle again, and we'll be the good friends we were before. But i also know my journey is no where near the ending. I know there will be plenty of more mornings like that to come, spent alone or spent in the arms of the person you like. Wherever they may be, and whoever they may be with, i am thankful for the hope brought by every morning sunrise.

"I've been thinking about you constantly since I left,
wondering why the journey I'm on seemed
to have led through you. I know my journey's not
over yet, and that life is a winding path,
but I can only hope it somehow circles back
to the place I belong. That's how I think of it now."

love

Love was never about that sort of thing... you know, the feelings, the helplessness, the can't sleep can't eat type thing. Rather, Love is a bloody naked man nailed to a cross for a crime He did not commit. Love is his children constantly betraying him, but they are always welcomed back.

"But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace. Cause I can't help but love you."

storyyyy.

We sit in silence on this roof top, the darkness bearing down on our dimly lit souls. All good night time scenes have stars shining brilliantly down on their main characters, but that is not the case tonight. The cool darkness and city lights chase all glimpses of stars far away from our vision.

i danlge my feet over the edge, watching new york city scury around like ants below me. Stores are starting to close, and men are heading back to their wives and children for dinner. everyone hustles around, oblivious to me and that boy sitting on the roof, miles above them, or so it feels.
"So here we are" I say, breaking the terrible silence. I don't even know why i say this, but it's the only thing i think of.

"Yup." That boy exhales, I can see his breath hanging in the air, white like smoke as the wind drifts it away from us. He turns to me and smiles, or at least i think he does, but it's too dark to tell. "I still can't believe you live here. I can't believe that this, all this is yours..."

As he says this he waves his hand around, referring to the city, as if I own it all. I sort of laugh. I don't say much, so he continues.

"Wow. And I thought that I was the one who was going to go big. Just look at you, living the dream, in New York City even. I remember back in grade school, and you had all these silly little dreams, and now their reality."
"Silly little dreams?" I ask. "You know this should be me," he whispers. I nod. I feel like a mute, but I have nothing to say to him. "You have it all," he tells me, "got it all" .

I laugh at this statement. "You really think so?" He nods, "honestly, what more could anyone want!" Just as he says this i know the answer. I start to get all cold, the type of cold that really has nothing to do with the temperature, but everything to do with "what more anyone could want." And i know he knows the answer to this questions before he asks it.

I search for his gaze in the dark, but i can barely hold as i ask my next question. "Why?" My dreadful question hung in the silence thick with grief and longing. I am crying now as i say this. "Why did you just leave. After all these years... You couldn't have thought to talk to me, call me, leave a note? I come home from work one day to find out you were half way across the world? What kind of bullshit move is that?"

That boy sits there quiet, without a word for so long, that I start wondering if i have gone deaf, and that maybe he is talking on and on to me, but i just can't hear him. I look at his lips and they are not moving, which is a good sign. He just sits there staring out across the city, and I start to feel anxious while i watch him and his nothingness.

" I ... I can't explain it.. I needed change. I was waiting for something to happen but it never did. I had to leave. I was hoping you'd understand." I can't read the expression on his face as he says this, i can't tell if he's sorry or if he regrets it, or if he's wondering why i am finally asking him why he left.

"I had so many dreams for us," I tell him. "I had so many plans... we were going to have the life that couples talk about and kids fantasize about..." He smiles, "You got it though, didn't you. Safe to say we're all pretty jealous of you, i could list off many reasons why."

"But i didn't get you. And that's what i've always wanted." I stand up and try and collect myself. "Did you find it out there?"
"Find what?" he asks.
"Your change."
"No... that's why i cam back to you..."
I don't even know where the next words i say come from, but they just seemed to roll off my tounge from somewhere deep down, as if they have been stored inside of me for quite some time. "Well here is your change you've been waiting for. I am not taking you back."
I feel bad for saying it, but at the same time i know for once i made the right move. I walk down the stairs to the lobby of my apartment, leaving him alone on the roof top. For once it was me who walked away.

anxious.

i am scared to see you. i am not sure how to even act. I'm not sure i'll even see you while your home. FRIGGGG i hate uncertainty. and even worse, waiting to see how it will be.

the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

"she belonged to me," he said simply. "she was, you know, all the things i wasn't. and i was all the things she wasn't. she could paint circles around anyone; i can't even draw a straight line. she was never into sports; i've always been." he lifted his outstreched palm and curled his fingers. "her hand," he said, "it fit mine."

lessons.

When i work i have nothing really to do but think. Between rushing to the kitchen to grab more sauce and running back to the table with angry customers, i've spent many shifts in reflection. Tonight i was thinking that this year has no doubt been the toughest year of my life, but i also realized i have learnt the most from this year. And this is what i have come up with based on my experiences of the past year:

-You should listen to your parents. they are only right about 50% of the time, but their input and opinions are valuable sometimes.

-Be careful of how you present yourself. People will treat you according to the manor in which you conduct yourself. If you don't show respect your not likely to get much back. If you don't show kindness, little will be returned.

-Be aware of your actions and how others perceive them. Sometimes people misinterpret your actions, they think you have the wrong intentions, and a lot will be said behind your back.

-Most guys really just want to get into your pants. Don't believe a word a guy says to you because he's probably said it to roughly thirty other girls before you.

-Spending your days in bed watching numerous seasons of your favorite TV show is not time well spent. Life is best when it is lived... not slept through. Time is money.

-When you leave highschool there are a select few friends which you will keep closely. Make sure you hold onto some, no matter how great you new freinds are, becuase your old freinds know you and add a fresh perspective to things. They are there to warn you if you change for the worst and they are there to encourage you. You will need them more than you think.

-If your writing a paper that is supposed to be 8 pages long but is only six, add five extra endnotes to each page. This should buy you an extra page. It got me an 80%

-If your hair is bleach blonde and you want to dye it brown again, use a light brown with red tones. If not your hair will turn green. It is an awful experience.

-Getting involved with your best friend (of the opposite sex..)is the best and the worst thing. It's great while your together but awful when it ends, because you've lost your friend.

-Error is human. Forgiveness is possible and necessary no matter how hard you've been hurt. Forgetting is not always possible.

-Don't go for boys who get really drunk all the time. They are a waste of time, and are usually only funny while intoxicated.

-Brunettes are seen as girlfriend material. Blonds are the girls that guy cheat on their girlfriends with. Sad, but very true.

-No one likes girls who power trip.

-Some people just aren't worth your time. It's important to still love them and be kind, but when it comes to their opinion don't listen to it. You are who you are, don't let them change you.

-Some people's brains are so small that they find the need to constantly gossip about everyone. Stick up for your friends when this happens. And don't hold these people who gossip as close friends. The people worth holding onto are those who stick up for you, the people who aren't afraid to apologize when something goes wrong, and the people who can find other things to be interested in than people's problems.

-That being said, there are people who won't like you. So what, life goes on. Be nice but have a backbone.

-Love. Always.

-Listen to those who are hurting. Be approachable, let others speak, and really listen. Show people you care. You will need to make sacrifices for your friends sometimes, but show them their worth it.

-Just because a relationship is over doesn't mean you have to regret it. Cherish the memories, laugh off the pain, stay friends.

-Straightening your hair everyday will probably lead to extremely dead hair. Which will lead to hair falling out, which will lead to baldness, which can lead to a lot of things. Be careful.

-Confidence is KEY.

-It's always the quirky weird people that are the most fun to hangout with. Never hesitate to be yourself. Be a fool.

-Take chances. Go streaking with your friends. Pull your matresses into your residence hallway and sleep out there. Dance even if you don't know how to. Laugh a lot. Take time to enjoy the smallest of things. Do things you don't want to, participate in the silly activites. They are more fun than you think.

-Tanning and working out at the gym are good ways to stay happy during dark winter months.

-Change is a part of life but not all change is for the better. Be careful of how you change.

-Chose your friends wisely. Your friends reflect upon your judgment of character. Your friends are a reflection of the kind of person you are. But make sure to stay your own person.

-Watch your habits, they become your lifestyle.

-Spend time outside. Go for walks, runs, bike rides, enjoy the outdoors.

-Make sure your life has more meaning than endless partying. it gets dull fast. Be a person of integrity and never settle, its the only way to keep life exciting.

-Find a significant other who challenges you, who makes you uncomfertable with your place in life, and who encourages you to become a better person.

-Our greatest regrets come from missed opportunities.

-When boys hit on you and follow you around, it's creepy, not flattering.

-Never let fear hold you back.

-Surfthechannel.com often gives your computer viruses so watch out

-Life's too short to listen to bad music.

-Don't spend your money on clothes makeup and hair dye. Save up and fly somewhere. Travel, it brings perspective on life.

-Don't let yourself become fake. Value integrity in ever aspect of your life.

-When it comes down to it all, your relationship with God is the most important yet most often overlooked relationship. No matter how far you stray He will pull you back. He is faithful.

-Put Him ahead of all your dreams and your life will align eventually.

-Remember living is an adventure in itself. We always try to create adventure, but the real adventure comes when you least expect it. The process of life is the product.