streetlights.

"let me know,
do i still got time to grow?
thing aren't always set in stone, that be known let me know.
See i know my destination
but i'm just not there. "

twins.

I am tempted to hop on a plane destined for a third world country and spend the rest of my life there. I don't want to sound bitter and hopeless but the people around me are so dead. I think there's a lot of things in life we need to open up our eyes and our hearts too. Joy is my middle name, and it's supposed to be something i am meant to bring into this world. But half of my freinds don't even know what joy is. We are so blinded by materialistic values.

choose joy
always.

moving on

screw the past.
i want my friend back.

It was never about me,
it was always about You.

see.

It's so obvious and right there, i can hear the words and know where the answer lies, i can see the truth and really believe it, but half the time i am just too lazy to live it!

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all his righteousness.
and all these things shall be added unto you "

real.

If ppl were asked to describe me in one word, i would want it to be "real." I want to be real in who i am, real in my relationships with others, and real in how i live. I want to listen to people when they talk, i want to show them that they are valuable and worth time, i want to show them i care about what is going on in their lives. I dont want to backtalk people the second they walk away. I don't want to be someone i'm not, i don't one to be someone else just to fit in. I want to beknown and loved for who i am and who i am not. I want my actions to match up to my words and i want to be real in my faith.

written jan4th.

"A part of my heart left with him that tonight and I have a feeling he will always hold that part. Time can't take these kind of things away from you. They stay in that part of you , safe and untouched, even as you count the years pass. He was a lot of things to me, and his story was the main story of my year. I learnt the most from him. But i also think this story is far from over. I can't put my finger on it, but sometimes you can just tell these things. I'm not going to live my life waiting for that moment on the odd chance that distance breaks it's awful borders and we live in the same town again. No. But i will be happy for what we had, becuase only few get that chance."

what i've learned

you can't bring people back from the dead. you also can't erase the past. so what do you do when a friendship's gone terribly wrong and there's so much dirt in the past you begin to wonder is it even possible to move on from here? is it really possible to forget a past of broken promises and pick your feet up and really, truly, forgive and forget? And to begin again, as new people, or will past always remain part of who you are. I'm so full of regrets for messing up. And i'm in desperate need of redemption.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.
isaiah 49:19

maybe, for once it is not about me,
rather it's about what He is doing in my life.

psalm 23

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul."

bleh

change is beautiful because it keeps perspective.
it is also awful because it destroys wonderful things.

everything is life has two sides, it's allllll bittersweet. i just want to be known and loved. is that really too much to ask? Life is an adventure, yes, life is fun alone because you have no limits, i like the feeling of knowing it's me, and only me, i like feeling that sort of invincible courage. I can do anything. (well, not really but almost.)

but happiness seems like it's only real if it is shared.
i would like a heart to warm my own and travel with me along the journey so that at the end of it all i will have someone to account for the laughter the memories the trials the journeys the rough patches the conquering... of life.

change

we live in a world that's lost it's appreciation for small things. We live in a world that wants things to be bigger and better. we want to supersize our fries, sodas, and church buildings. But amid all the supersizing, many of us feel God doing something new, something small and subtle. This thing Jesus called the kingdom of God is emerging across the globe in the most unexpected places, a gentle whisper amid the chaos. Little people with big dreams are re imagining the world. Little movements of communities of ordinary radicals are committed to doing small thing with great love.
-Shane Claiborne

regrets.

It's been almost a year now,
was it really worth it?
I am still deciding.

why is there such a huge gap between who i am,
and who i want to (and should) be ?
it's frustrating.