On My Own

2010-03-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

I made a new blog, because there were some people reading this who i don't want reading it. So if you wanna know the URL of my new blog message me or leave a comment and i'll let yaaa know.

2010-03-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

"Stoic faces when I think of you, And how I once believed

So now you call me, but you know I won't let you through, I've myself to decieve

So leave the memories alone, I don't want to see

The way it is, as to how it used to be

Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing

And I'll hold you here in my memory

So I find me in your garden now, A sad smile for the scene

And all the flowers that we planted now, Taken by the weeds

But in my minds eye, you know they still bloom for me,

They stand tall there, in that summer breeze

You'll never change.

You will, never, change. "

-fuel

2010-03-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

Today I was freed.

Today the sun seeped through my skin,

and the wind danced in my hair.

Today I let go.

My life started again today.

'The brightest flame always burns the quickest.

you said you saw the sun.'

2010-03-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping they presence my light.

2010-03-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

I think a lot of people walk around looking for reasons to be un-happy and dis content about their position in life. And if you look hard enough, these reasons sure as hell will present themselves. I woke up early Sunday morning to the sun pouring through my drapes that are actually just bath towels pinned to the window frame. I tore them down, and i opened my window. i heard birds chirping for the first time in a long time as i got ready for the day. I watched my favorite tv show before walking the 15 minute walk to church through the park and the petting zoo. We even stopped to look at the llamas and miniature donkeys. I came home and emailed the church, volunteering to work in children ministries because, with out trying to sound like a pedophile, children are my favorite to work with. I proceeded to make lots of pink lemonade, and blared xavier rudd as i worked on my essay that is so impossible and due today. I went to bed completely happy. I don't think i really had a reason to be happy, or content. I just was. Maybe it's a matter of waking up early and making the day your own.

2010-03-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

My new favourite TV show is "Weeds". I've finished two seasons in one week. I love the show cos it's humorous and sarcastic and you kind of fall in love with the family on the show. The main character is a single mom who's husband died and now sells weed to provide for her family. She struggles a lot with her two boys, and they just kind of do their own thing, she always fails to have control over them. And i mean it's not like she doesn't care...her main struggle is to provide for them, but she seems to fail a lot.
I was reading through old emails when i should have been doing an essay. I ended up reading about the last year or two of my life. Reading them over, i felt like that main character. I try so hard to keep my life under control but it always spirals out of my grasp. I think i fail a lot, just like she fails her sons. I mean the two aren't really comparable but they are. Below are quotes that i took out of the emails i read. Sometimes its nice to remember were i've come from...

Somedays everything just feels pretty empty without him there to make me laugh. And she told me that when ppl are around him they get intimidated and stuff becuase well, it's him, he's like this big strong person and they try to act a certain way so that he will like them. But she was like, but you rae, you are just you, your so real and just yourself around him. and i think he loves that your able to do that. And its funny becuase you know how i say the stupidest things all the time, he just laughs, and all this stupid stuff we do together.

Can i just say? That's something that i really like about him. Like either people get me, or they don;t. and he gets me and its so wonderful. I think the best thing in life is to be "known" not like be popular, but to have people know you and understand. Like you know how they say to be loved is to be known? And , i like being known by god and i like that he is the only one who understands. but on a different level i really like be known by him as well.Its very nice

I just remember sitting there soaking wet trying to comprehend everything that she was telling me without crying . It was awful, like this moment would go under my top ten least favourite moments of life.

"i honestly CANNOT imagine how hard it is for you to be in this whole thing..because honestly.. it has taken so much out of you..and it has affected you in 180 different ways, emotionally, spiritually, and phyyyyysically.. like ACTUALLY all three.
he's taken you apart and put you back together countless times, and taken way too many things away from you, and the worst part is..is that he still isn't learning.."

I don't know, she just asked me, what do you value more: yourself or you freindship with him? it was like a cement wall, if i could pin point it to one major turning point it was that exact moment. it just sort of changed everything, my whole outlook. I wish i could say i never looked back since then, becuase i have, but the difference is i'm stronger now.

"that actually made me so happy..because thats kind of what i was feeling this whole year..but yet again, you said the right words.. and ultimately YOU had to realize it right?"

and like it was acutally ridiculous. I just let him have it I ripped on him so hard full out yelling, and I was like “if you care about this friendship at all you will come talk to me” so he obv came with me, so we go to my room completely ripping each other apart like “your so fucking retarded” kind of statements. And then I burst out crying and go, “i am so so sorry. We can't be like this.” and he was like “ya ya its okay” but it wasn't at all.

it was so nice. he was someone new. and I was like “why do you always want to see me? I don't get this.” and he was like “i don't know your different. You actually have character. You make me laugh.” and like he'd say all these things, but I didn't buy them.. So I played it off so smoothly and I was like “whatever. I don't care.” but i think i did. As did he.

I mean im not angry or anything. I just need answers. I need to be happy again. I was in my devotional thing and i found this quote, "It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand." and that makes me feel better. Because I am not doing whats right all the time. But I am still on a path that God is leading me through. I really dont understand whats going on right now, and it feels like more than just temporary but im sure ill figure it out soon.

sunday drive.

2010-03-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

Today was a bad day. Today I made it to the gym, but lied in bed watching tv for the remaining day light hours. Today I missed class. And you.

I got lost in the mess of life and i lost my direction for a moment. I always think of you when i lose it. But when i find it again... well you're gone.

'It feels so much worse when you expect more from somebody.'

2010-03-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

Green eyes, blue skies, natural disasters when she cries.

Green eyes, their mine, it's only a matter of time.

Oh if we could only treat people the way in which they deserve to be. He is so nice and respectful and that kind of person you want to find. But I am my own, I can't be re attached to anyone. I don't like that it took me this long to realize that. It's not fair at all.

2010-03-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

dear whom ever may read this: After thinking about my previous statement i stand corrected. Cancer is, in fact, not the devil. This is because cancer can have many redeeming qualities, and there is nothing redeeming about evil.

Sometimes when things seem really dark, sometimes there is a bright light behind them. Sometimes you have to change your perspective to see it.

2010-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

dear whom ever may read this: Cancer is the devil.

bc and photos.

2010-02-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

My brother, Johnny baby, lives in Vancouver. This means that he gets to be in cool pictures all the time (like the one below.) He asked me to creep his pictures and use them in my blog. So johnny this is for you. I will be in Vancouver sooner than you know it. And i want to be in a ton of cool pictures too. Word. ps since when do you wear plaid shirts?!

"there's a place i'd like to go somewhere out west, it's not specific, and the pictures show it best.

i know there's trees i know there's sand and i know there's grass, i know it's somewhere in the past.

there's a girl out there who's lookin for it too, she's not sure when she'll go or exactly what she'll do.

am i doomed am i the first one of the last? am i just someone from the past?"

2010-02-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

I cut all my hair off. I think it makes me look like 20 years older. Too old. I started buying more sophisticated clothes, but i realized i could never really be sophisticated with the stains all over them. I will always drop my food everywhere. I will never be able to wear heels. I will always wear un matched clothes. More importantly, i am terrified to turn 20 years old this summer.

"I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on."

time.

2010-02-24T13:33:00.000-08:00

'All those evenings on the back deck of our first apartment. They meant everything but the wind just carried them off. '

I got a phone call from an old friend from my highschool-ish years. It's always bitter sweet to hear from them because its sad to realize how you hardly talk anymore, but its nice knowing that you can always pick up just where you left off. I like having friends that you have known forever, because they just know you. I am kind of seeing where things go with this new guy, and he's mentioned once or twice that he "likes me". This frustrates me because he doesn't know me. He knows nothing of my past of my family or my friends, he really only knows this person i am at university. I've always wondered if you can get to know someone without first knowing their past, i guess for some people it's possible but not for me. Who i am is so deeply routed in the places i have been growing up and the people i spent those years with.
I always feel a bit lost when i don't have a piece of home with me. It's hard to explain living in a small town has had such a large impact on the person i am. I love coming back to where i've been. I love coming back to the people who have always been there. Time after time, it's always the same. Whether its the times we've sat around and remembered our old adventures, or the times we're back out there relieving our old adventures. It's who we are. It's who i am.

2010-02-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

My family & I got separated in New York City when I was little. Scared, I sat crying on the sidewalk as tons of people passed by. A homeless man picked me up, comforted me, & carried me to a police officer, who found my parents. He had a long beard & I asked if he was Jesus. He laughed so hard he cried. He GMH. http://www.givesmehope.com/

people always leave.

2010-02-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

I am the kind of person who always remembers their dreams so vividly. I am that person who wakes up and has to text someone immediately telling them about what i dreamt. It happens all the time, it's soo annoying. But it's cool because i think dreams can tell you a lot about your unconscious self. Last night i had such a bad dream, not the scary kind, but the kind that makes you cry in your sleep. I wont go into detail but it basically had to do with four of my closest guy friends and all of them eventually telling me off and completely leaving me for different reasons. The one was really stressful because he left without saying goodbye or giving me a chance to even explain myself, he just peaced... and it was so painful.

I had the chance to hangout with good freinds from my highschool days tonight. I brought up my dream and they told me what they thought, and we all kinda made fun of me and ended up talking about pretty much everything. The topic of how our freinds moved out west was brought up, a familiar topic, one that has changed and effected all our lives. However i shut it down before it had the chance to flourish. They asked me why i always do this, and i tell them that i can't talk about it without being upset. That move took something so important away from me, something that made me so happy, something that i was now where close to being ready to let go of. It took it at the worst timing too, the time that it was crucial to my life. I remember the feeling before and after the move, the one of complete longing for something but knowing that you'd never be able to have it again. I can't really put that feeling into words; there are none that can describe it. It was almost as if half my self was split in two, the other half was taken far from me.
I realize now what my dream was about, my fear of people leaving. Peyton from one tree hill had this little saying, "people always leave." and thats all i've known so far. I know this world is a good place and i know there's plenty of people who do stay. But the experience of this one person leaving, this one very important person being forced out of my life unwillingly, has had a profound effect on the way i now see things. I guess that's why i now hold on as hard as i do. It makes sense.

2010-02-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

girl says:

I know,

I just wish that I had met him in like, a year, and I would have all of this behind me, but that isn't how it happened. I just don't know what to do...so I am not going to do anything

raaach. says:
exactly.
this is either gonna make you and him stronger and make you realize how much you want him, or its gonna make you realize you want to be on your own
like right now being on your own seems so... amazing and free and wonderful
but its an awful lonely place out there.

girl says:

yeah, it really does

raaach. says:
but he is a rare one in a million

girl says:

I know!

raaach. says:
i just dont want to see you let the best guy go and you not be ready for it.

girl says:

I know

raaach. says:
you can let him go, but only if you realize all your letting go.

girl says:

thats why I can't let him go right now, because I am not ready to

girl says:

but I wish I could have the chance to experience that for myself, I feel like this is an important part of life that I am missing out on.. going through finding out who I am without being attatched to someone,

raaach. says:
very true
raaach. says:
well its kinda like, you either miss out on this part of your life, or you potentially miss out on the best part of your life... him.
but not really.

girl says:

I know

raaach. says:
i dont want to be biased here
im playing devils advocate to your thoughts

girl says:

I just wish I could have found him later in life when I was ready for him

raaach. says:
well you could always ask to put things on hold...
but speaking from experience
i think he will end up being too hurt to get back into a relationship w you

girl says:

I don't know, He was saying last night how he would wait for me no matter what

raaach. says:
thats how i feel sometimes. as much as i want that guy back... i could never go back.

girl says:

But I don't want to hurt him. And I son't want to be the person who can't make up their mind, and it going back and forth

raaach. says:
exactly
so its like once you make up your mind you gotta stick to it

girl says:

exactly

so I don't want to end things with him unless I am sure that is what I want

raaach. says:
good idea.

girl says:

I know, I am so smart

raaach. says:
S-M-R-T

Why can't we just know these things! Why does it have to take forever, why do we struggle so much with knowing the difference between what we want and what is good for us? Why do hearts always break in the process?! It's because it's our journey. It's how life goes. If everything was for certain this world would be an awfully boring place. There would be no adventure, no beauty in uncertainty, it just wouldn't be life. We always live for some ultimate goal, as if certain steps will lead us up to everything that we've been looking and striving for. But in life, the process is the product. These little steps mean everything. These conversations, these decisions... this is the product. Embrace it.

2010-02-07T17:34:00.000-08:00

I just noticed this today... One of my biggest flaws is the fact that i am so so pessimistic.

"I’m afraid of time… I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time. Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgments or mistakes everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time. I’m afraid of seeing snapshots, not movies."

2010-02-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

I think that the word love, and i don't mean eros, but brotherly love, is a tricky word. I think that this word often falls victim to being over used and never really meant. I also believe that love is not just a "feeling" or some thing you feel for people, but it has to have some sort of action attached to it. I feel that love can be expressed in words but it is often best expressed through actions.

Girls use love as means of gaining popularity. I see this so often, girls being all 'i love you' to their friends, because when you say you love them they feel all validated and known and it's like "yeah i love all my girls"... But really they just say that so that people will like them and want to be their friend too. I can't explain that very well. I would just rather be shown love through actions like, taking a friend out to lunch, helping them write that essay they just remembered was due tomorrow, staying in with them when their too sick to go out. Love speaks volumes through actions.

2010-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

Particularly, i don't want to have to go through all the effort of getting to know someone new. I wish i could just meet someone from my past, or someone i already know, and be with them for the rest of my life. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to explain why I am the way I am to that guy; I want him to already know everything. Like, how could i explain to some guy that my irrational fear of the dark/monsters/serial killers stems from back to back weekends of my brothers babysitting me and telling me about the boogie man who lives in the downstairs closet? Really, try explaining that to a 20 year old man without having him run as fast as he can away from me.
I want to have someone who just knows, he'll check in my closet and under my bed for me before saying goodnight. I want to have someone who knows that i shouldn't be allowed to eat popcorn without supervision otherwise i will eat multiple bags without even realizing. I want a guy who understands my inability to sit still and do homework, who will literally duck tape me to my desk chair until I am done. I want that guy who best understands my past to carry me to my future.

"I was at a funeral the day I realized I wanted to spend my life with you. Sitting down on the steps at the old post office the flag was flying at half mast and I was thinking about how everyone is dying and maybe it is time to live."

redemption.

2010-02-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

I had the biggest battle with myself this morning over being human, and the reality of the human condition. For me it all comes down to the fact that we're all incredibly flawed and painfully broken.It just kind of hit me that i am part of this race who's genetic makeup somehow makes it impossible for us to exist without ultimately destroying every good thing around us. Not to be pessimistic, but i mean we walk around all day unintentionally wounding the people around us. I think its because we have small brains and not big enough hearts or something, but we all have these desires to be greedy, to backtalk our closest friends, to basically live focused on ourselves. I mean, we have a drive to do good things as well, like we want to love and be loved, we long to be known and to know people, we want to have friends, good friends that have your back, we want to love and support our families, we want to make things change for the better. But more often than not we fall subject to the demands of our bad desires.

It's funny, and ironic, how so many of us want to be loved unconditionally but fail to show that love to others. It's funny, and sad, how after one fight you can turn around and without thinking bash your best friend, which so often leaves giant emotional scars on that person's life. One bad action can forever change the way a person views themselves, but one good action has limited effect. You never know how big someone's scars are until you hurt them. I hate the cold reality of this world. I hate how divorce leaves tremendous effects upon an innocent child, i hate how one person's mistake effects so many others. I just hate and hate and hate, but all i want is LOVE. I want to be an exception, i want to tell people that i will love them unconditionally, I don't want to be jealous, or angry, or hurt, or willing to hurt others. But i always will be these things, simply becuase i am human. I need to see a lot less giving up, and a lot more redemption.

"I don't know what to do anymore. Life seems like a series of infinite nothings. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm just lost."

2010-02-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

My favorite moments are always the ones that occur in ridiculous hours of the morning. You know, those 2am car rides home, the msn conversations that lasted till 4am, the camp fires that kept going till we were too weak to fight sleep off any longer. How I Met Your Mother (the best tv show ever) says that no good decisions are made after 2am, and although i agree with that, nothing tops those late night / early morning conversations. Maybe cause they make no sense but so much sense at the same time.

It probably was never the best decision to go on the 2am skinny dipping adventure, or that midnight hike for some unknown destination that left us lost in the country for hours, but they were the best memories. I could use more of those.

2010-01-30T09:14:00.000-08:00

They always ask, how is university? I always just shrug, i say, oh you know. Why, they ask. I hate it, i tell them, i hate it more than anything. Why? they ask me again..

...becuase there is a life outside this city block with real people, and i want to find it. I'm sick of the smell of decay here, lives are wasted, and i refuse to be one of them. That's why.

you tell me to live.

2010-01-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

The past sunday at church my pastor asked the question, in passing, "does the way in which you live bring life to the people around you?" He didn't elaborate much, but i think it's such a thought provoking question that, if asked by ourselves every morning, could bring a lot of changes in our daily lives. In order to bring life to the fragile barren lives around us, i think we must:
-have a servant's heart. Help people without being asked, be willing to do annoying or mundane tasks without complaining. Be willing to serve others in many ways.
-be energetic. I think a lot of people (especially students) fall victim to laziness, falling into a routine of going to class, watching tv and sleeping. If we were to be motivated, energetic, and task oriented i think that energy would be passed on to those around us. It's as simple as inviting people to go to the gym or for a run with you.
-be open and honest. I think when we're real with people and real with ourselves, a lot of respect is generated. Also people feel more comfortable around honest people who are willing to listen and who don't place judgment on everyone.
-be an example of love that is not conditional or shallow. I mean like, really love people.
-invite others along for the adventure. Live life to the fullest, and make a few good friends to help you live it out.

2010-01-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

To you, i give my life. Not just the parts i want to. To you, i sacrifice these dreams that i hold on to. Cos your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life.

To you, i give the gifts, your love has given me. How can i hoard the treasure, that you designed for free. Because your thoughts, are higher than mine. Your words, are deeper than mine, your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life. To you i give my future, as long as it may last. To you i give my presence, to you i give my past.

2010-01-17T21:48:00.000-08:00

I guess i miss you. I will most likely miss you everyday until that day arrives. But i don't mind it much. It's not overwhelming; It's something to work and look forward to.

I think of you sometimes. When i'm sad but most of the time when i'm most happy. I still want you there to enjoy the best parts of life with me. I think and hear about how your changing and how i'm not there to watch you grow and learn and become the person you were meant to be. Your still that anchor that pulls me back to home.

four word letter

2010-01-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

"I wrote a four word letter...with post-script in crooked lines,

"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."

And you know who I am...you held my hem as I traveled blind,

Listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,

Telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain as the handlebars crashed to the ground,

And the back wheel detached from the frame, it kept rolling, yeah,

But aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Oh, pretenders, let's go down...down to the river to pray.

"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"

But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.

"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."

No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Oh, Amanda, let's go down...let's go down, won't you come on down?

Mama, Nana, let's go down...down in the dirt by the river to pray."

- four word letter pt 2, mewithoutYou.

teach me how to live.

2010-01-12T22:06:00.000-08:00

I noticed this week/ had it pointed out to me, just how shallow i really am. I like to think i can see past looks and fake identities that most people put on, into the real person they are... but to be honest, most of my world is based on looks.I don't think i'm very shallow, not when it comes to other people but only when it comes to myself.

I have this tendancy to walk around campus and more often than not, i'll catch an "attractive" guy's eye, and then wait for the nod of approval. It's not necessarily a nod, but for lack of a better term, its that look you recieve, confirming my identity... "yeahh your attractive," is what this look tells me. So i walk around feeling good about myself and i continue this search and look for answers in the eyes of random, but goodlooking, guys around me. As i write this its so obvious how completley stupid it sounds, but it's a habit. My worry is, what will happen one day when i stop recieving these nods. What happens the day i stop getting my self indentity and confidence from complete strangers. Do i just fall apart? I'm so scared life will make me blind or knock out a couple of my teeth, or make my face all mangled from a freak car accident some day just to teach me to stop being so shallow. Life is sometimes a bitch like that. So my current new years resolution is to get over this damn shallow business.

"it is about waking up and realizing that at some point in the past we've gone to the toilet and thrown up our dreams without even realizing that society has stuck its fingers down our throat."

2010-01-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

I slept on your side of the bed last night. I don't know why I call it that, or how it even became your side. But it just is. I slept there so I wouldn't wake up and be disappointed when I turned to the right and you weren't there beside me. Instead I was greeted by my wall, which was cold and empty, kind of like how I felt without you there. It's funny how you have so much ownership over things in my life already. I find myself always waking up at 5am because that's normally when you'd start snoring, and when I would plug your nose, and when you would wake up laughing at me. You know your such a waste of inspiration. Because with you I can feel all these things and I could write for hours about it if I allowed myself to. But I can't, and I won't. I don't want to feel these things and then have to tell you. All I want is you back on your side of the bed.

2010-01-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

"A guy i know named Alan went around the country asking ministry leaders questions. He went to sucessful churches and asked the pastors what they were doing, why what they were doing was working. It sounded very boring except for one visit he made to a man named Bill Bright, the president of a big ministry. Alan said he was a big man, full of life, who listened without shifting his eyes. Alan asked a few questions. I don't know what they were, but as a final question he asked Dr. Bright what Jesus meant to him. Alan said Dr. Bright could not answer the question. He said Dr. Bright just started to cry. He sat there in his big chair behind his big desk and wept.

And when Alan told that story i wondered what it was like to love Jesus that way. I wondered, quite honestly, if that Bill Bright guy was just nuts or if he really knew Jesus in a personal way, so well that he would cry at the very mention of his name. I know then that i would like to know Jesus like that, with my heart, not just my head. I felt like that would be the key to something." - Blue Like Jazz, by donald miller.

still be my vision.

2010-01-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

"Be thou my vision oh lord of my heart,

not be all else to me save that thou art.

thou my best thought by day or by night,

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

riches i heed not, nor man's empty praise.

thou mine inheritance, now and always.

thou and thou only, first in my heart.

high king of heaven, my treasure thou art. "

still be my vision.

2009-12-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

There's a place I know of somewhere in the future, and there's a boy from my past, who understands it best.

"the mind may have forgotten, but the body remembers everything -

in the melody of a song, in a rip of a dress, in a taste stuck at the

tip of your tongue, in the freckled constellation splattered across

your light skin, in a look not mean to be a look, in the movement

of their hips against yours, in a graze between nervous hands, in

the loud beat of your beating heart. in one moment, the body

remembers everything so vividly, so wildly, as if it were experiencing

it the first time & the last time combined - an explosion of sorts that

will never seem to leave with time. these things have become pieces

of us, that have found a way to stay forever, as much as we deny it

ever happened. but the reality is that it was never a figment - in fact,

it was our realest dream somehow brought to life."

2009-12-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

People always joke around about how blond i am .I always get ripped on. Like it's this joke, and i know they don't mean it, but yeah most times i believe it. But you know what, I may be simple, and i may be small and relatively powerless. I may have blond hair and i may not always say the smartest comments, I may have ADD, and i may make a lot of mistakes. But i think once i set all those things aside, i like to think i have a lot to offer people.

I may trip and stumble at work, i might screw up your orders but at least i can always raise a few good laughs. I may not be able to sit and study for hours on end, i may not be able to get the best marks on midterms, but give me an essay to write and i'll own it. I may have poor taste, i may wear clothes that don't always fit together, so maybe i like to wear converse shoes with dresses, but at least i value creativity. I may not be able to draw or paint master pieces, but my stick figure drawings make the best birthday cards ok.

I may be shy and act snobby and anti social, but sit me down with anyone and a cup of coffee, and i will listen and try and understand until you run out of things to say. I may not be the best at singing, or playing guitar, and my attempts at piano might be sad, but i believe in the power of music, and i will probably sing very loudly, and still play my guitar and piano because music heals. I may not be the best at writing, but it's my outlet.

I may not be stunningly beautiful, but i'm starting to see that none of that stuff matters anymore. I may not be your average girl at university but i'm learning its okay to be different; it's ok if you don't loveee going out to bars every single night and using the terminology "bitchesssss". I may not have my hair or makeup perfectly done, but i am real. I may not be in on all the happenings and gossip, but quite honestly i don't give a shit.

I may fail a lot, and i mean a lot a lot, But i believe in grace. I may be simple but i believe in love and i believe in joy. I believe you can change things if you really need to. I also think being simple and small and blond and clumsy and all that i am, i think that's ok. I like life is simple; and should be lived as such.

loose everything.

and find yourself.

be thou my vision.

2009-12-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

I didn't have the chance to know this guy, but he attended the church that i sometimes go to. I really don't know anything but i heard he died and someone posted this video on facebook, and wow.

i always tell myself someday i will be that person, that change that i want to see in this world. but i dont know why im waiting for that someday, or when that someday will be. I just know i want this and i want it know.

2009-12-13T22:01:00.000-08:00

"I'm looking for something empty, im looking for something real, and I can see you faded now, lost my strength when you lost your thrill. Honestly im better of lonely, promises are just pretend. God damn this faith i'm wearing, god damn this place. We can run, we can hide, we can show off our guns and put on a fight, if its love, hold on tight, hold on tight, and maybe we'll make it out alive, maybe we'll make it."

everyday i see my dream.

2009-12-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to love this place and my life here a bit more and more each day.

I always try to find the perfect picture, quote, and words to describe my mood, but all are failing me right now and it's so fustrating. I wish i had words for this, and for you, but i just don't. I wish you could know. Oh, and i wish you could be here. But you will be. And we'll just know what it is when we see it.

"so young and full of running. tell me where is that taking me?

just a great figure eight, a tiny infinity"

take it ALL.

2009-12-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

I sat there and wanted to plead with God for my life. I always used to pull the whole "God do it my way, and i promise, you can have my future." But it didnt take long to realize asking him for my way was not surrendering my future. It was taking a strong grip on it away from his plans. I sat there and said that no matter the outcome of what laid before me, my future was his. If it turned out okay, it was only by his will, and i would make a conscious effort to live my life differently becuase of the grace i'd been granted. If it turned out not okay, then that was his plan, and the only way to live my life would be within his plan, becuase i tried once making it on my own and look where it took me. It was as simple as that. It came down to all or nothing, and i was so sick of chosing luke warm. it has to be all from now on.

I worry my inspiration left when you did. I have not much to write about anymore.

leave.

2009-12-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

I wish i had something to show for my life. Like, i wish i was in some far off country living the dream. Instead i could only you show a thousand midterms and essay's i've done okay on. And really that's not much for me and the life i want to live. Two more years.

And then the world is mine.

Here's to sailing in sydney, surfing in tofino, and building orphanages in... somewhere still undecided. I know my life is now but i can't wait till the real part starts. I don't know what exactly it holds yet but i can almost feel it now, and it's going to be legit.

bring it.

2009-11-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

i don't know if this is the possible case of swine flu i have talking, or maybe its due to the fact i've been bed ridden all day, but as i sit here, thinking im in my last hours of my life haha, i've realized something...

i am utterly and completely happy with the way everything has turned out this year. Don't get me wrong, this year was and still is a complete piece of shit. But i've come to see it for what it really is.

all the shitty things that have happened this year have all been for a reason. They are shaping me into the person i am going to be, the person i need to be and was created to be. it's all part of the bigger plan and scheme of things we often fail to see.

But i see it now.

and im so thankfull.

come what may.

2009-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

"create in me a clean heart, oh God.

and renew a right spirit within me."

"The sky was made so clear that sometimes, at night,

you can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns.

Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."

use somebody.

2009-11-21T11:41:00.000-08:00

i just wanna know that i'll be remembered.

i mean there's a thousand other blondes out there, and i know that sometimes my personality can be kind of bland. But i just want you to always remember me, and who i was to you.

i just want to be somebody.

that somebody.

i'm sure you know the one.

"There were things I knew for sure.

That I had loved, once, and was loved back.

That a person could find hope.

The sum of a mans life was not where he wound up.

But in the details that brought him there."

restless.

2009-11-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

I wish i had a thousand words for how i am feeling.. But i don't.

I wish i had a thousand answers to the thousands of questions in my head. But i don't have that either.

It's funny. I always thought i was the exception. Never thought this sort of thing could happen to my family. But it did. And it's kind of funny how supportive some people are. And how supportive some people aren't.

But it's not funny at all really. I'm just happy becuase i am able to see that good is coming from my mom's cancer.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. -To Write Love on Her Arms

dont say a word.

2009-11-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

The honest truth is i am completely happy with the way it all turned out. I am glad to see him go and live his dream. People keep asking me, and hardly believe my answer. No, i don't need closure, i don't need to talk about it, i'm not going to dwell on it, and yes i'm over it. The truth is, some things are better left unsaid. I like it this way. He can make what he wants out of it, and i can't make what i want out of it, and in the end we're both happy. I couldn't ask for more. The timing is a perfect ending to the beginning started last year. But i'm ready for new adventures and beginnings now, i have been for a long time. I'll miss you friend.

When they ask me what I liked best, I'll tell them it was you.

music lives.

2009-11-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

watch this whole video..

And through his fingertips, and through their touch to the cold ivory keys,

and through all the pain that inspires him to write music, and through the emotions that drive his soul,

and through the words that have been put so carefully to paper, and through the late nights spent teaching himself to play guitar,

and through each string he gently plays, through every note he hits,

through the warmth of the melody breaking the cold silence,

through the sound of his voice in the hallow room,

through the look of passion I see in his eyes,

through it all,

he makes the music come alive.

His music lives.

It resounds through my soul.

it heals,

it inspires,

it teaches,

it lives.

don't look back.

2009-11-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

I would never wish for the something of the past, only because i believe that things in the past should stay in the past, and the only way to ever move is forward..

but i'd be lying if i told you i don't want those days back.

"You know that feeling?

That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place,

not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?

I want to believe that."

just breathe.

2009-11-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

We made all these promises to become better people,

it was a time we were in control of our lives and thought we knew what the future held.

Now look at us, can you even blame them ? We're a mess.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find you’re way again."

new beginnings.

2009-11-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm no longer afraid.

I'm excited to see where i end up.

and it's so good to have you back.

thanks for reminding me that the possibilites are endless.

"Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind."
//
"we're both pretty sure but neither one can tell,
we seem difficult, what we got is hard as hell.
a hundred thousand words could not quite explain,
so ill walk you to your car, and we can talk it out in the rainnnn"

hotel rooms.

2009-11-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

Note: half of what i write is real and going on in my life. Half of what i write i make up from ideas and conversations i have with people. This post is not me speaking.

After a while i got tired of living in that hotel room. You always asked me why i called it that, when really it was a tiny room in a five story condo with no evidence of ever having room service. But it was cold like a hotel room. The thermostat worked fine, my room was always a comfortable temperature, but i could not escape the chills that caressed my spine. That room had seen so many people come and go,it was like i had a two night policy, cos no guest ever stayed longer than that. I let these strange men walk through the door and i was okay with that. I never locked the door, never turned on the no vacancy sign, it was always open. They always left in the morning right before check out time, before i could wake up and see the mess they had made my life. The sheets were always colder the next morning, lingering with the memories of someone new, but someone now gone. I had nothing permanent in my room. No posters on the wall, never any food in the fridge, no pictures, nothing showing that someone actually lived there. Because no one did live there. I wasn't living in that apartment, i was dying.

It was then that i decided that i was sick of hotel rooms and finally i wanted a place i could call home. I locked the door, something i should have done months ago, and i started making it home. I re-arranged the furniture so as not to be remided of the previous way things had been. I printed off photos, hell i even hung them on my wall with little quotes underneath that spred hope throughout the room. And yes, it was my room. I unpacked, i bought groceries, i even bought a welcome mat to decorate my lonely door frame. And on the couch i draped blankets and pillows so people could stay the night, not in my bed. Everything i had known untill then was that everyone always left. But i was ready for something more permanent. I began to learn that some people do come back.

moving forword.

2009-11-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

There's so many people i don't want to let go of, but how can you move forward when being pulled back? I'm not sure what the life i want looks like any more. It could be so many different pictures in so many different places, i just can't decide.

"it's amazing, because when you're a kid, you see the life you want.
and it never crosses your mind that it isn't going to turn out that way"

october air.

2009-10-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

It was around this time last year. I remember the phone call and the email, the anticipation and everything you told her to tell me. I remember the feeling, words can't explain how my heart lept, and how i had a permanent smile for days. The cold weather reminds me of you, the rain and the gusting wind, the leaves that cloud the ground, everything i felt that day...

But today is a new day. And today it's raining and the wind gets mixed in with the leaves and i can hardly tell what is ground and what is air as i walk across the street. And today i hardly remember what if felt like last year. I was so young and naive. I no longer believe in words like the ones you had for me. I don't believe in most of that stuff, not because of you, but because it's easier not to. It's easier to live with your heart in your own body not in someone else's.

deafining silence.

2009-10-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

i've been wrestling with myself for so long.
but you, you opened my eyes.
you helped me see beyond the miles of pain i thought lined my life.
and you replaced it with joy.

I stress so much. about everything,
but you, you calm the waters that flood my restless sleep.
you show me the path that leads to life,
and you help me walk along it.
"ill be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouettes dreams"

refine me through the flames.

2009-10-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

these hands are yours, teach them to serve.

my God, i'll only ever give my all.

"i love the feeling after a good run. or the feeling when my favorite song is on full blast in the car, driving through the country air. i like when my mom makes my favorite meal. i like traveling to nowhere, getting lost, and then the best part, being found. i like being held by someone who means a lot to me, especially when i haven't seen them in awhile. We always complain there isn't enough time. or that these moments never come around enough. it's true that we never stop growing old, and we mature faster than we'd like. but time is the essence of life, and it brings change and surprise. i like watching the people i care for get older, change, become who they're suppose to be. sometimes we all wish to go back, to repeat a moment, or pause it forever. but we need change, even when we don't want it. the cards are placed and time brings us closer to our destination. all the while as we travel through.. the things we love doing, the people we share our life with, that's the destiny. we're not suppose to end up anywhere, we're suppose to make the best of this journey."

takeitback.

2009-10-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

I see how they are, i see how they're talking, really talking again. I see how they're friends again and honestly it gives me hope that someday we will be too. I think we've got this friends thing going okay, but it's just awkward. I hope there will be a day when its not this awkward sort of what do i say / how do i act friendship, but a real legitimate one. I don't know how or even where to start to get back there though, but i need too. She needs him and in time i'll need you too. But i couldn't tell you that right now without you flipping your shit. you can't see i don't need you as en ex boyfriend. I need you in that way we were before all of it ever started. Just like how they are now. But maybe in time i will just forget about this friendship and maybe that will be a lot easier.

We used to talk. We used to talk on the phone till i'd run out of dumb things to say and you'd get bored and kick me off. Picking up the phone and calling you.. that seems like such a foreign idea to me now.

there's always a few people you don't want to do life without. and your one of them.

story.

2009-10-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Before it all happened he sat her down and told her that bad things will always happen to good people, no one knows why, but when these things happen you are not to push people away. Keep them close, he said, because you will need those few good people more than you have needed anyone before. But it wasn't me who pushed them away, she told me, they opended the front door and bolted out of my life faster then i could finish speaking. You don't shut people out, they shut you out, that's how it happened, she explained. She said she didn't turn her back on life, it was the other way around. She was blinded the moment life pulled the curtain over her eyes and no one dared lift it up. Too much baggage, she said, they didn't want to have anything to do with someone who acutally needed something from them. There was always a few who i thought would be there, she said, people who were so much apart of my past who knew me and my sturggle, but where were they when it happened? Not so much as a text, an email, a phone call. And then those who promised their time, their shoulder, and their open ears, never followed through. I would rather not have empty promises at a time like this, she said, it was false hope.

And it was then that i realised, she continues, that my life didn't matter. I mean it's not as if i was some psycho depressed suicidal person, but in reality one life doesn't matter. I had this moment where i was walking down the street and i slipped off the curb into the street becuase i am so damn clumsy. And it got me to thinking what would happen if there was a car there when i fell, what if i got hit. The idea almost seem relieving to me. And that scared me even more. What kind of people will let their friend walk aimlessly around town with heavy traffic and fast busses etc, with the thought of dying in her mind. What kind of people don't give enough of a shit to make sure their friend's head is in the right place. But that was a revelation in itself. The fact that if i die no one will care, yet if i live no one will care. And it was like all the frost was gone from the cold car window and i could see so perfectly. I can't keep living for people, with the thought that they should be so much apart of me. if i decide to live, if i decide to pick up my lazy ass and just get on with things, it will have to be for myself. And really that is the only reason to make decisions, or live really. For yourself. Because beyond that most people have their priorities completely backwards so why would you want to live for such screwed up people anyway?

where are you now.

2009-10-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

And it's hard to believe, but it was not too long ago when the sun still shown and the days were long. When it was late we used to walk down these streets, and we could see every star above us, and I didn't shiver so intently under the night sky. I don't know if it's because it's fall or if it's because your not there beside me but it's just unbearably cold. We used to be alive those nights, every breath we took was like a breath of adventure and we always breathed deeper because we couldn't stop.
And when you exhaled it was so contagious, I swear I could feel life dancing on my finger tips. Your eyes were wild and your heart was always so warm, but you were always a bit too out of reach. Your walk, always a step ahead of mine, waiting for me to catch up, but I was never fast enough. Yet you always came home with me and and asked to stay longer because I think you knew it was where you belonged. I let you go like a paper plane, effortlessly and softly, a glimpse of a dream come and gone. And some days I am reminded of those nights and some nights I long for those days, but most of the time I just don't remember. I know ill lose you and find you in some other person, and I know ill lose myself just as much and find me in another too.

lucky.

2009-10-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

i forgot to be thankful on thanksgiving.
hell. i forget to be thankful everyday.

i have soo much to be thankful for. like how do i forget that. how do i forget that i have so much love surrounding me all the time. i also need to start loving myself. because apparently i don't know how to, and i will never get anywhere in life unless i do.

"ive seen things here that, some men never see. the lucky ones, oh the lucky ones know exactly what i mean"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuwFSVb0Gis

"You can never lose yourself so much that I won't find you.
And remind you of what it felt like to be here."

death.

2009-10-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'm throwing up. and we have no toilet paper left. and its almost midnight and i have 3 chapters left to read before my mid term tomorrow. I just worked a six hour shift at work. and i smell like my work uniform but i don't have time to take a shower. and my roommates are always missing and not home, and there is this bowl of custy rice sitting on my desk but i can't look at it becuase i think i might puke again. and i still haven't unpacked from the weekend. and i have no food (except for rice) becuase i've had no time to go shopping. and my mother is very sick, and i should be home taking care of my family, because that's the only place i feel really needed right now, and everyone at school seems so fake and empty, and no one takes time to listen, really listen, to what you are trying to say. and people are committing suicide because there's no one there to love them or to accept them, and hearts are breaking because people are just plain careless. and good people are wasteing away to nothing becuase they have no motivation, and good people are throwing their lives away for way to much drugs, and some people are so blinded from what's real, and some people i just can't get a long with no matter how hard we try to mend things we just can't and i've lost and freind and it sucks, and we all live with a thousand regrets, and we all have unspoken words that need to be let out, and some of us just can't feel things anymore, and i am turning into a cold hearted bitch, and half the time i just dont care anymore. and i keep going through hot flashes, but no i am not menopausal, and i'm starving but can't stomach anything, and i really need to sleep but i just can't.

sorry i needed to vent. and now i will stop being pathetic. but i really wish we had more toilet paper.

i want to be in BC.

hope.

2009-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

i know i already posted this once, but i need to again.i think they are some of the most powerful words i have heard. and i need to remember that there are people left like this in the world...

"Lord, make me a channel of your peace;
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
-st francsis of asisi

i just want to be strong.

save your heart.

2009-10-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

i swear.

i'm legitimately done with this.

with all of this.

i'm always trying to win.
im a 19 year old girl of course i'm going to battle with this everyday.
but...
i win because i give up and i dont care anymore.
i have so many little random things that belonged to past guys scattered in my room. His hat, his necklace, his sweater, etc. They are stupid empty reminders of boys who were so insignificant they couldn't leave any valueable mark in my life except for a useless necklace. i'd rather spend months trying to earn a heart then two weeks and all i get was his sweater. i mean, that was fine for a while. but i'm tried of empty emotions.
"and you give, and they take, its love that you want, but not love that you make"

question,

2009-10-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

i just have to ask,

where was everyone when it was all going on? were they there beside him? or did they desert him? what was going through his mind at that moment? could a kind gesture from one person have changed his mind and his decision? did they still love him like they should? did they, could they, love past the sin, and love the real person under neath it all? it's just sad.

if love conquers all, why didn't it conquer this?

whats real.

2009-10-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

We sit on the curb, almost oblivious to the party and the people moving on around us. People stumble out of the house and step on our toes as they walked past, too drunk to see or really care. It makes me mad to see this, it makes me realize how most people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they can hardly see anyone else's.

"are you okay?" i ask her. Of course she is ok, she says, it is just some stupid boy. It sucks but shits happens and she's says she's stronger that this, and i know it's true. I tell her i hate the state of the world, how people treat eachother. But most of all i tell her how i hate guys, and how they only seek one night stands. And if that is all they think girls are good for, and that's the only way to treat them, then they are fucked. Because there is a lot more to life than physical gratification, and beneath that body there is a soul, but they would have never known that unless someone were to point it out. It's not like i'm some feminist here. I just say it how it is. And that is exactly how it is. Yet no one cares, we all just go along with it.

"that's the thing" she says to me, "i will never cry over a boy. because of what happened i now realize that there are important things in life to cry over. but boys are not one. if a boy breaks your heart you can still see him and talk to him. He is still there and alive even if he is a jackass. but when someone dies you never get to see them again. Their just gone. For good. You've lost that person forever. And that is something you can cry over. Not boys."
i realize her strength comes from knowing what's real in life.
and that's a gift and vision that not many people have.

yeah she got her own.

2009-10-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

Things are always going to change. You have to figure out who you are apart from what surrounds you. You have to find that strength within your own soul, not someone else's.

You are not that kind of girl. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You are so much more than they could ever be.

"so here i am to take back everything you've ever taken from me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oOKMSbaVH4

aloneee.

2009-09-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

"Baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,I used to live alone before I knew you. "

"What about the plans that we had. We'd been crazy not to go."

Yeah yeah. It's all for the best. And the best part is i really know it is.
You can't really stop something you never started anyway.
That's just the way it works. You can't love too much one part.
or, like.
But most of all, i love this feeling, this drive,
this freedom.
I could get lost in it.

sunday night.

2009-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get, when your with someone you don't really care what your doing as long as your with them. But when their not there doing nothing beside you, it's almost as if everything stops mattering. It's as stupid as it sounds, but it's like they're life and without them you feel dead. And useless. I know that's not true, and i know it's probably a really unhealthy thing to feel. But every night's a sunday night when you're not here.

Just tell me the feeling goes away. Cos i really do not like it.

"You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence. So why do we go through all of this again? Your eyes are fluttering. A moth, flying into the same old flame again. It never ends. It takes fighting day and night to make such a good thing die."

let go.

2009-09-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

be still and know.

"We're all lonely and scared. We all have problems. Big ones. We all love someone way too fucking much."

words fall short.

2009-09-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

Where i used to spend my summers at camp, in the forest there is a tiny wooden chapel between clearwater site and AC. As a camper i used to love going to it, there was something so magical yet powerful about that chapel. As a staff i would spend the majority of my hours off in that chapel, still captivated by it's quiet beauty. I always thought it was the perfect size, just big enough for a man, his thoughts, and the presence of God. It had these giant windows that over looked the surrounding lake and forest, it was perfect. I can recall countless hours spent sitting on it's tiny pews, wrestling with God, but in the same time being humbled and brought to a place of peace. I wish i had a safe place like that here.

"Your grace has found me just as i am.
Empty handed by alive in your hands."

take it back.

2009-09-23T10:27:00.001-07:00

Some days you need people, and some days you don't. Some days those people will be there for you, and some day they won't. It just sucks that the days you need them and the days their not there are always the same days

"So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell you it's all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment. One serene, beautiful moment when the world and everything in it makes sense. It's rare. And it doesn't get handed to you on a platter. "

It's kind of funny how you can lay out all your life events and see how one directly and indirectly affected the other. Like a chain of events, and butterfly flaps its wing in your life and suddenly you have a hurricane. You know how so often we do stupid things and after we think, why would i ever do that? looking back i can see why i did. And not to say it's your fault, but you taught me a lot of good and bad lessons in life. You didn't force me to do that, but what you did to me made me make that decision. It's still entirely my fault, and i can't take it back. That's the worse part.

the mess i've made.

2009-09-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

For so long i've been looking for some sort of sign telling me i should be across some distant sea helping out orphans, or building schools, or really anything that did not involved being at university. I failed to see the significance that my life can have here, and that was a big mistake. Sometimes we ignore the place we are in life, looking for something better, but what we don't realize is that we're put where we are for a reason. And upon realizing that purpose... we can do so much with our lives.

Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades.

"That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day."

let me go.

2009-09-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

"Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems i'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me Go.

While i wait for the new year
To introduce new fears
While i'm wishing that i could be
Anywhere, but here." -calendar marks by my favourite highway

i wish i could say what is going on.
But honestly i have no idea.
i don't want this to be a waste of a year like the last.

a delicate frame, a fragile design.

2009-09-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

So much confusion. Where do i even go from here?
"It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand."

And when you move ever so slightly, and when my skin touches your skin, and when you breathe out, that's when its magic. Its like these sparks, these little tiny sparks escape from the fire in your heart into mine. I swear on cold days I feel warm just from being around you. Tell me you can feel it too.

second year.

2009-09-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

i do believe.

help me overcome my disbelief.

ahh, second year.

so the adventure statrs. no electricity, no hot water, no internet, no food, living out of boxes.

great.

people always leave.

2009-09-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

forever is such a long time, if you think about it.
the term scares a lot of people.
it scares me even more.
at the time forever didn't feel so scary or far away.
but now, it's a whole different story.

i hate leaving good things behind, especially when i am so uncertain of what comes next.
look how it turned out last time...
can you understand my fear?

leave the memories alone.

2009-08-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

And if asked, i really wouldn't know what to say. I think i was fine before i met you, sure there were a few things here and there, but i was always okay on my own. But you, you just came and changed everything. I'm okay now, there's no question in that. But there is this piece of me missing that i know only you have, and i desperately want it back.

"You think you know what you want. You have a picture in your head.
A pleasant noise in the background.
But what you're really looking at, is a stepping stone. A point in a time.
Because once that picture becomes real, you can see new things.
A new picture emerges. A new point. Just a little bit further away.
And so you find yourself wanting this new, better picture.
There is nothing wrong with this."

inspiration.

2009-08-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

I love when we sit in the car and just ramble on these bullshit ideas that come out of our head and try to make sense of the way life moves around us. I guess there's not really any words to describe that, or the way we are, or that feeling. I love those two so much. We sit in a time of awkward transition between our summer from hell ending and even more uncertainty awaiting us in the new school year. My hope is we can find happiness before its over and see how good of a summer we really had. I also want great things find their way into our lives with this new year, because they really deserve it.

"You won't see the greatest moments of your life for what they are until they've already passed.
It's being able to look back at them for what they were, and are, that makes them great."

nothing compares.

2009-08-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

"Remember when we used to fight over whose music we’d listen to in the car?
I was too this and you were too that. And so we compromised and sat in the silence.
I haven’t heard that in a while. "

Today i realized scars heal. I also realized scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.We all have scars that tell different stories. We all are given opportunities to redeem and work through the past. You were apart of that past when i went way off course.
But i know you'll also be here for the future to lead me.
Thank you for that.

everything out of place.

2009-08-20T19:23:00.001-07:00

Life has this funny way of always moving on even when every part of my tired heart wants it not to. No, this is not okay. This really sucks.

A very big part of me would like to leave and not come back.
My heart is already half way across the world, just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

free.

2009-08-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i was brought back to a place that i thought would be difficult for me to face. It's funny how sights, colours and smells can be stronger than a memory, just one glimpse and it takes you totally back. I was terrified to go back and remember, memories are one thing, but being there again is another. All the pain i had anticipated left the second i walked in the room. There was no pain, no regret, no bitterness. All that, that bullshit emotional stuff was stripped away, and i was free-d. And happy. Sometimes i forget how just how strong i am. I need to stop thinking of myself as weak.

"I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days have their sunsets. "

next year.

2009-08-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

She says she's excited, and i say i am too, but we both know we are both half lying. We have no idea what this year will hold. I tell her she is what gives me hope for this year. She reads my mind when she says that we both have no idea if this is where we should be, but all that matters is that we're there and we have each other. There are going to be days we will break down crying, but we can make it through. We laugh now even if we may not laugh then, but we know somewhere within ourselves that it really will be okay.

It's hard to do this day by day thing, always waiting and never knowing whats coming next. It's intense, and all too real to handle. Sometimes it feels like your whole heart is being ripped out and held suspended in the air, waiting for anyone to just come around and create a home for it. I get that it scares you, believe me it scares me too. But i need you to help me face my fear. We can avoid it together or we can conquer it together. I think we could find something great if we just fought it, you know, tooth and nail. We'll stare it in the eye until life realizes that we're too strong for that kind of thing. I can almost see the end now, like the morning glow, the sun on the horizon. There's something great just beyond what we can see. I need you to trust me on this one.

"And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh and if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black."

get up.

2009-08-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

At work the other day i got in trouble, because at the bottom of our bills it says "tell us how we did!" and you fill out this lameee survey online, and this person filled it out on me. However, this customer apparently didn't like me.. at all.. and my boss called me into her office expressing concerns about my "attitude" at work, and my lack of "care". This customer said i gave them attitude, and i turned them off the idea of ever eating at the restaurant again. I kind of laughed because i don't really give attitude to people i don't know. Whatever. I worked that shift completley devastated and not attitude-ish. You see this summer has been some of the hardest four months in my life. I work two jobs and every day it's a struggle to get up and get on my feet, especially when your shifts are 9am to 10pm. There's no one around to tell me how proud of me they are, my parents are acorss the country, and i never get any verbal affirmation and that's what i need. The only feed back i get is from some customer who filled out an awful (yet probably honest) report on me. I almost quit that day... but instead i just walked around feeling extremly sorry for myself.
But then i realized just how pathetic i was being. Dear self, get the HELL UP and stop with the pity parties. I realize that there are two types of people in life: people that make life happen, and people that let life happen to them. I can't say for sure which one is better, but once in a while you have to take action and make things happen. There are those who sit around and list off reasons why their life sucks, and then there are those who take action and are able to right the wrongs. Or at least, find redemption. There is freedom, there is beauty, there is life!, beyond these pathetic pit falls of life. Where does it all begin? We're always looking so inward when really we should be looking outward. When you start to notice the other six billion people that live around you, your problems tend to start to look very insignificant.

"I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me." "They will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will [replied], 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'-matthew 25.

you just know.

2009-08-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

"How do you know when you should go after someone?" he asked me. "I mean, is there a certain number of weeks or months you should wait? Is there a rule to this kind of thing? Not like the three day rule, man if it was only a three day rule i think we'd have broken lovers making heart wrenching confessions on our door step everyday. But legitimately, how long do you have to wait before you know that she's the one and that letting her go was a mistake? I know this already, i know this with every part of matter that is within me. But how do you know when to finally act on this, and get in your car, and drive the five hour drive to her house and tell her that she shouldn't date that guy because if she stepped back for one second she'd realize that I'm the only guy she was ever meant to be with. And how do i know that she will believe me when i tell her this. What if she turns around and slaps my face and walks away. What if she doesn't feel this way?"
I thought for a long time on how to answer this, but i realized this was not something i knew much about, let alone held the answer to. I believe that if you love someone you should tell them, and that when your heart knows things, you should also let your head know, becuase sometimes your head stops thinking. Your head doesn't always understand, your head leads you in paths guided by fear and reality, but your heart... your heart takes you to the best but sometimes most painful places in life. How do you know when you've found that person? And how do you let them know? And what if you are wrong to tell them you love them, what if your just meant to let them go. What if you screwed it all up?
I thought back to my past, and all that i thought i had let go, but i guess i will carry with me for some time. I looked at him and knew exactly what to say. "If you love her, you love her, there's no denying that. But before you take that leap, you have to make sure that this is not something you will regret next month, next year, or even ten years down the road. Picture your life without her, picture being 40 years old with a family wife and dream house, if you can't picture that without her than you'll know. What you say to her will have everlasting effects. It will affect your tommrow, and everyday after that. Make sure there are no girls that you left things undone with in your past. Take time to clear you past histories and clear any future girls from your possibilites. Make sure you know who you are, and you know exactly what you want in life. You can't start something and end it just as easily. Make sure you're not leaving after you tell her this. Be there for her, be by her side, be that person to hold not only her hand, but her heart too. And when you have her heart protect it like hell. It's the most valuable possesion you will ever own. Fight for her, make sacrfices for her, be a better man for her, love her, be honest with her, never regret anything you do with her. And just stay true to your word. And if you can't do that then i don't think your ready. There's too many broken hearts in this world, don't go break another becuase at one point in time you thought she was the one but it turned out she wasn't. You don't need to lay claims on people. If she's meant to be, she'll be yours in time. You don't have to have her right and not let anything else touch her. You'd suffocate her that way. Let her go. Focus on yourself and your dreams and carrer and life, and it time it will just come to you. And you know how you will know? You won't have to ask anyone... you will just know."

You have my attention.

2009-08-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Quiet now, your voice seems miles away. but somehow i hear your song resound a little bit softer each day, and from my tired heart a little bit farther away.
You have my attention. Like you've had all the while. Since that first day when you made my heart smile with loving eyes and tired sighs that followed, you have my attention, like you shout through the empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper...
I'll hear a sermon."
-you have my attention by copeland

take it all.

2009-08-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

There are some days that i can't help but get so frustrated with everything. Today was one of those. I don't know why, or even how i can get like this, but i just do and it all hits me at once, and suddenly i'm swept under this suffocating wave of anger. It's not that i'm an angry person, or even a bitter one. My middle name, Joy, is always a prominent part of my character. But I just look around me and i see so much that i want to change and i know that it's not my responsibility, but i can't help it. I hate how she's so judgmental, and i hate how he just doesn't think, i hate how she just pushes everyone away, and i hate how he's so selfish, i hate how she doesn't realise the effect her words have on people, and i hate the way he fails to see how he hurts people. I hate how she is so stubborn, and i hate how he thinks he's the shit. I hate how they are so wraped up in their own world to notice anyone else, i hate how they don't care about anyone but themselves, i hate how they lie to get what they want, and i hate how they can get so fake.

I can keep listing off all these things in my head of things that i don't like about people, but the worst part is at the end when i realise i can see every single one of these un-desireable traits within my own character. It's a painfull reminder of how far i still have left to go. Change does not come easy...

welcome to wherever you areee.

2009-08-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

/ / / / /

For the first time in a long time i am content with exactly where i am. With who i am. And where i am going. this is big.
this is going to be amazing.

"He said something that didn't mean as much then

as it does now. He told me that things happen in life
that you can't stop, but it wasn't a reason to shut out
the world. I realize that I have been so afraid of the
bad things that I missed out on the good, you know?
I didn't want to come back here, but I'm really glad that I did.
I have forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends...
really lucky to have this place and each other.
There's a part of me that would like to stay here forever."

reason.

2009-07-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

"You will show me the path that leads to life" psalm16. I have to trust that there is a greater plan for my life, and that there is purpose in continuing education at university, even if every part of me doesn't want to go back. My life starts over, first semester of second year. These hand's are yours God. Teach them to serve. This heart is yours. Teach it to chase after You. Teach it to love.

"This is your life, right now.

It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

summsummmaa

2009-07-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's 2am and after laughing our asses off we realize we can't sleep. Forgetting the fact that we work early the next day, we run down to the kitchen and grab popcorn and gold fish, supplies that keep us awake for hours longer. We lie sprawled out across the bed, our favorite songs playing, looking at pictures from our past summers together and reminiscing. Our hearts are heavy, but our spirits are light. We stupidly decide to text the boys that make and break our hearts, and we get mad together when we both get no reply. We get all philosophical and talk about how our lives should be, or how things could have been had we've done things differently. But in the end i realize there is no place i would rather be than sitting on that bed, making fun of our ex's, eating empty calories and acting like we're eight years old. This is our summer. Our houses with no parents, our cars running on empty, our jobs with endless hours, our wasted bank accounts, our memories. it's like it belongs all to us.

"i will never know the right way to say thanks for all these nights and days spent hanging out, but that's what this is all about. and i, i am not into, the idea of living without you. No, i am not into that idea"

roadtrip.

2009-07-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

it's those long rides in your car, with a couple best friends and a handful of intention. it's the wind that whips through your hair, and the way the sun shines in through the sun roof window breaking down all the boundaries of the day. It's the promise of adventure that a tank full of gas holds, and the circled destinations on our map that expectantly await our arrival. It's when that perfect song escapes through the car speakers, it's when the dashboard becomes our drumset as we keep time with our hands, it's when the base rattles the whole car making it hard to see out the rear view mirror, it's when we tilt our heads back and scream along. .. its infinite. its perfection in our teenage world.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

hey unloving..

2009-07-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

I have so much trouble with this upsidedown kingdom, this counter-culture, that the bible teaches. I try so hard to do good but i end up doing wrong, i try so hard to love but i end up hating, i try so hard to forgive but i end up holding grudges. But i read these Words, these words that contradict everything that i've been taught by society, and it's like i can see this truth emerging. The life i'm striving after isn't the life i was meant to live. You see that's the problem, i do it all on my own. I try to live and find my own answers and my own direction in my own life. But what if there was real life out there, one with real ansewers and real truths, and I just need to lose this selfish life first in order to find it. I've already been shown I can't do it on my own.

'hey unfaithfull i will teach you, to be stronger
hey un loving,
i will love you" -underoath.

everything works in your arms.

2009-07-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

My best friend is back in town for a week. I forgot what it was like having her around. After i left her house tonight to finally come back home, i just sat there and realized how legitimately happy i am with life. It just kind of all hit me at once, you know, the over whelming feeling of being perfectly content. Moments like that are rare and fleeting sometimes. But this was just what i needed. I forgot how she just makes everything seem that much better. She makes life come alive.

/ / / /

it's not that i'm weak. And no, it's not that i'm holding on. It's just those little things you know? You let go of someone and you think and know that your okay, but then you find an old photo, or note, or you turn over the bottom of your shoe which has permanent marker all over it because they drew it there and then it hits you. It's those small reminders that get you all the time when your not looking for any reminders whatsoever. He was was there when my grandma died in the spring, he was the one to hug me and talk about it. At Christmas my aunt got me a picture frame of my grandma in it, that said I love you. It was sad to see this and it just reminded me how this was our first Christmas without her. It was hard to understand. I went to his house later that night and it was only him who was able to cheer me up. It was like i didn't even need words, he just made things better. I see that picture frame and I feel the sorrow but i think also of how he had the tenancy to make everything better. I see it everyday and sometimes i'm tempted to move it or turn it face down but I don't because sometimes those small reminders are what we need. We need to cling onto the hope that there will always be someone out there who can fix things. I mean i can fix things myself, but it was as simple as that, things just worked in his arms.

a servant's heart

2009-07-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

This summer i am working at a camp for intellectually disabled adults, and to say i love it would be an understatement. I love getting up for work everyday, i love the work, the guests, the camp, the co workers. Charly and i are on the maintenance team, and we often come across guests who want to help us out. They are all hilarious and i have stories about each one. My favorite is daniel. Daniel has this huge smile that could warm even the coldest heart. When we drive the golf cart he will run infront of us, and his arms just flail everywhere and he just runs and runs and laughs the whole time. He's our fearless leader. He also loves to help us when ever he can. Things like taking out the garbage, sweeping, re stocking the maitenance closet etc. The thing is, he is always so willing to help, and while charly and i complain and drag our feet, he does all with this giant smile acorss his face. His favourite sayings are "i can do it" and after completeing a task, "i did it!". Acutally that's all he really says.

Just the other day Char was having a bad day, and daniel runs up, this giant smile across his face, "i can do it!" and she said just seeing him smile made her day thaaat much better. And when we tell daneil he can't help us, he almost gets this sad face, which is a big deal becuase i mean, the guy never stops smiling. and he's like "okkkaaaaayy" and we just feel so bad, we find a job where he can help us again. I just wish i could have a heart like daniels. One that's so joyfull and willing to work. One can learn so much from intellectually disabled people. It's a shame that most of the time they are kept to the side lines, out of the big picutre of society. They have such beautiful lives and hearts, the passion some of them have for life is amazing.

"Begin to look around, see things in your world and right now, you'll find beauty in the strangest places; in backwards glances and passing faces, in familiar landscapes you've seen all your life, in the peace of the quiet, and the sky of the blue."

through painted deserts.

2009-07-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

"All I’d wanted for so long was for someone to explain everything that had happened to me in a simple way. To label it neatly on a page: this lead to this which lead to this and this."
i want life to make some sort of sense for just once.

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and i, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? "
through painted deserts, by donald miller.

we.

2009-07-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

it was a glimpse of something beautiful.
it was a little bit of perfection found in a broken world, it was a little bit of warmth held between between our cold hands, it was a calm we found in an awful storm. it was the sun hitting the window in the most perfect way, that we could see the frost dance. it was the redemption we found in what we had created. it was our favorite song on the radio that played as we were lost in deep conversation. It was laughter among the painful tears.
it was the smile on our faces that gave it all away.
it was the pull of our hearts that made it that way.

"when all was gold and you two touched and felt the flutter underneath your skin. You stood in glowing rooms, the light dripping from both of you, and nothing since has felt as radiant or real."

19.

2009-07-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am officially legal. I finally feel like a legit adult now. It's all too wonderful but scares the hell out of me. Being this old probably means i should start acting my age. And it probably also means that my massive fear of the dark/serial killers/ etc. is now irrational and should be gotten over. There is so much to work on this year...

To accomplish on my 19th year:
-start a budget, (and acutally stick to it) and save money for once in my life
-start folding my clothes, do laundry more than once every two weeks
-work my ass off in school. Go to all classes, all tutorials, and have a study schedule for exams
-look into transferring universities for third year
-spend the next summer in a random city with a friend or two
-find a shade of blond that wont kill my hair and stick to it
-stop straightening my hair everyday
-paint my toe nails more often, get more nail polish
-get into mountain biking
-buy my own mountain bike, tent, sleeping bag, and MEC backpack
-date a black guy
-get into new bands, go to concerts more often
-write a book about my 19th year, or just document it
-get involved with the soup kitchen at school
-go to the gym regularly, and acutally use weights even if the intimidating football players are always around them .. oooh, and, stop being intimidated by people
-buy more expensive clothes/ have more of a sophsiticaed wardrobe
-keep room clean
-learn how to cook
-get my level one ski instructors
-go on a legit hardcore canoe trip
-go camping
-roadtrip to the USA
-go to a casino
-read more books
-go to church more often and get involved
-get a tattoo
-see the 2010 olympics, and ski on whistler
-go surfing
-work on managing my free time better
more to come later.

break my heart for what breaks yours

2009-07-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

I think there a couple of people in life who you meet, and all of a sudden you get this feeling, like they are home to you. I don't mean home in where you came from, but home in where you will end up. It's like these souls hold your destiny, and with them you find your path in life. They bring out this new light from within you, and suddenly your just glowing with life, with joy, with love. Maybe that's called friendship, or maybe it's called love. I guess it can be whatever you want it to be, but i think it's something that some will never experience. I just know that when you have it... you know.

you still feel like home to me.
"We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes we hold onto things that are safe and predictable even if they are bad for us."

waiting.

2009-07-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's like I'm just here spending these last two months waiting. But i'm never sure what i'm waiting for. Maybe just to go back to school, maybe for things to be normal again, maybe for change or maybe i'm just waiting for answers. I just don't know, but I know it's out there and I know I don't have it yet. There is so much uncertainty in what lies ahead of me.

I wish i could view my life as one big picture instead of the little boxes and time chapters i place everything inside. I see now as a time of transition, from one unknown to the next. But life is now! You know if you don't stop to realize these small things, life will just as easily pass you by. It's so fleeting these tiny moments. These moments spent in waiting, in anxious waiting... they should not just be simply gotten through. They should be lived. If only.

"Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it's been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied."

///

new favourite song...

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move. Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Cuase If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet and you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street...So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

-the man who can't be moved by the script

you change everything

2009-07-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

but i am constantly reminded that we are nothing if not for the Love of God and his guidance and blessing over our lives.

damn BC.

2009-06-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

It was a weird sight, with the boxes everywhere, the kitchen empty of furniture, the trucks in the driveway, the people around every corner. I stood where a piano used to be to catch a glimpse of the lake. Not just the lake, more like their lake.. our lake... because their house was home to so many. Their family was family to all of us. I can't explain the emotion the hung in the air, i felt like it should be one of sadness considering the circumstances, but it wasn't. It was peace that touched our hearts and the conversation, it was peace that stopped the worrying, it was peace that filled that house. And it will be peace that follows them as they leave on their journey. I am excited for the opportunity that lies before them. It was selfish of us to think we could have them all to ourselves forever... Now we're just trying to find our own way. I'll admit it feels a lot emptier, but it's all for a reason. I believe that now.

"Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit the feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can’t and you know it can’t. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you when I see you."

2009-06-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men"

breaking up by classified

2009-06-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

"it's been a while since we last conversated, still can't believe we never made. looking back at the way it was highschool love both of us embraced it. let me take you back a bit to the place where the whole story starts, before we had a clue or even knew how hard relationships are. we were in the same class and i, used to try to make you laugh, and i tried to make her more than a friend but she was just a little hesitant. it took longer than i thought, yeah i admit it but i stayed patient...

after about a year or so, a lot of bickering and fighting came. everything we had together fell apart slow, never seemed worth the pain. more hating than there was loving, both arguing about nothing. neither one of us appolgized, i guess the two of us were too stubborn. still lived together though, though decided we should take a break. i never wanted that, i just wanted change, but that was my mistake. i never thought we would break up, i never thought i'd find another like her, but i still think if we get back together then these loose ends would become tighter.

but no way, no luck, we threw the towel in and broke up. i moved out, choked up, despressed every day i woke up. i found out she had another man, and this is when it really hit home. fuck i lost everything i had, and i aint the type who likes to be alone.

now i'm trying to move along, and i found it difficult to stay strong, but dark days always brighten up if the fight in ya keeps moving on. couple months after all of this i bumped into another girl i knew, had a couple dates in highschool, the type of girl you don't forget simply beautiful. we talked for a little bit, we took some time out and reminised, and i forgot about my dark days, she told me heart break can lead to happiness. when i was down and had no faith, she showed me everyting was ok. my soul mate, i never thought a break up could end so great. "

summersummersummer.

2009-06-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe here is where i need to stay. I have fallen in love with my tiny hick town all over again. I love the farm fields, the ponds we swim in, the forests we bike in, the country roads we walk carelessly along. I love the love and the heart of this place. I love the serenity and the beauty.

go.

2009-06-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

lately i've been thinking that i shouldn't go back to school next year. A few people have suggested that university is not for me, and that maybe i should find an alternate educational experience. I've been looking for a sign and listening for answers from God, but i must be very blind and deaf at the moment. Today i opened my internet explorer and there was an extra bar added onto it, it is blank, except for a tiny button that says "Go!!" So i clicked on it, but it did nothing. It's no where near the adress bar either... it's just there. Everytime i open firefox... it says "go!!" Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm looking to hard for one. I don't know. I am all too excited, where shall i go from here?
give me a word and give me a sign,
show me where to look and tell me what will i find?

freedom.

2009-06-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

a lot of the time, the things we want most in life will not set us free.
we're always being held captive to worthless desires.